Journey of Discovery

A New Journey

2011-03-16T11:07:00.002-06:00

I am a very selfish, self centered person. And I have a deep problem with PRIDE.

Some of you may be shocked to hear me say this.... as you have been a witness to my selfless, caring, and extremely giving side. I do admit that it is there. I do know that at times *myself* is the absolute last thing I am thinking about. But I am also sure that each of you who knows this side of me can relate to that inner struggle we all face-- the ugly side of us deep inside that we all struggle with. That side who is really only thinking about ME.

I have come to a very important conclusion. I am selfish and self centered because I do not have enough Jesus in me. Well, He is there, don't get me wrong. But I block Him out each and every time I make a choice to follow my will and to focus on myself instead of Him.

I do love to help others and give to others... but am I doing it for Jesus? Or myself? Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I know it is for Jesus.... but there are plenty of other times that deep down inside, I know it is more for me- how I will feel, how I will look to others, how I will be "appreciated", the list goes on.

I love to help and give and do for others when I know it will be easy, when there is not a lot to sacrifice. Others may see it as a sacrifice on my part- but to me that loving just comes easily and without much thought or effort. It does not really cost me anything. So I wonder- isn't this like the wealthy man whose large offering really did not mean much because it was of no real sacrifice to him? Should I not rather be like the poor woman who gave everything she had in an offering that was practically nothing? Her tiny gift was glorified much more than the large gift of the wealthy man, because she was truly humbling herself before the Lord. Am I exalting myself, or humbling myself in these offerings?

Matthew 23:12 (New Living Translation)

¹² But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.

I want to be humbled before my King. I want to be an open and clean vessel that He can flow through to love others. But there is a huge part of me that hangs back... never fully committing everything. Because I am afraid. And if I am really, really honest.... it is my pride that fuels my fear.

My pride says: I do not want to be rejected!
THE TRUTH OF THE WORD SAYS: all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution. (2 Timothy 3:12)...You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. (Matthew 10:22, Mark 13:13, Luke 21:17)

My pride says: I want what I want when I want it!
THE TRUTH OF THE WORD SAYS: The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; Who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9)

My pride says: I can do it by myself!
THE TRUTH OF THE WORD SAYS: I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)

My pride says: I can't do it! I will fail!
THE TRUTH OF THE WORD SAYS: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)

So who am I going to listen to? My pride? Or my Jesus?

This blog was an amazing outlet for me when I created it as "Journey of Healing". I was in need of much healing. I think in many ways every person on this earth will be in need of healing in one form or another until we leave this earthly life. Over the past two years, my interest has waned, and I have not been filled with pressing topics to write about/ work out in my life.

I believe that in many ways I have outgrown that "need". I no longer need to focus on my "healing", because quite frankly, I think (hope) that I have matured enough in the Lord these past few years to move on to a new journey. Instead of focusing on myself-my healing- which again, just to be clear, is focusing all on ME..... I want to shift my focus on God.

I have been thinking a lot lately about my "relationship" with God. Do I have one? Yes, I know I do. I hear His still soft voice whispering to me when I am willing to listen. But is is a deep relationship? A strong relationship? A relationship worthy of sharing with others, especially unbelievers? I am afraid that I must say no on this one. Yes, I have had a few "seasons" in my life where that answer was a little more optimistic. Seasons where I really let God in as I surrendered to His will. Seasons where I yearned to learn more about who He is, where I let Him come in and change and remold me. But those seasons have never become a lifestyle- a permanent feature/reality in my life. And without this strong vibrant relationship with my Lord and Savior, won't I keep falling back into the selfishness and self centeredness of my prideful living? I think so.

I have come to realize that I have viewed my relationship with God the Father much like my earthly parental relationships (including in-law parental relationships).... keep them at an arms distance (or further in some instances) so as not to disappoint or be disappointed. I don't want to be hurt or judged or criticized. I don't want to feel unworthy or unlovable. I don't want to be told what to do, or how to do it, or how not to do it. (I don't want to be driven my their motives and values that may or may not be in my best interest.) But I also don't want to be ignored or neglected. All of these issues have presented themselves in my life through the years in my earthly parental relationships. So to "protect" myself, I keep a distance- emotionally and physically. And this is also what I have learned to do with God.

But God is NOT like my earthly parental figures. He knows how to love me unconditionally, humans-even parents- can't. He does not see me as unworthy or unlovable, and He will never make me feel that way (despite what my feelings may tell me!) He will never reject or neglect me! And His ways ARE perfect, so if He tells me what to do or how (or how not) to do something, I can be confident in the fact that it IS for my own good. He is not out to get me or hurt me, only to help me.

Please do not get me wrong here.... I am in NO WAY trying to say that parentals are out to get me or want to hurt me.... I know their intentions were/are never to hurt me. But the truth is that hurting people hurt people, and most people in this world are hurting from one thing or another. I am simply saying that God's love is perfect! And I can trust in Him in ways that we sometimes cannot and should not trust in our human relationships, even parental ones.

So that being said.... I need to stop being afraid of a deep relationship with God the Father. And the only way I can see to do that, is to let down my guard and surrender to Him. I know I have tried to do this many ties. And I have written about doing this... many times. SO I am adding step two. Step one- surrender. Step two- DO NOT PICK BACK UP THAT WHICH IS SURRENDERED! Although step one is very hard, I think step two is much harder. Because, quite frankly, I am very good at picking back up whatever it is that I wanted to surrender.

Father GOD, I thank you that you are an ever patient God who loves me no matter how many times I fail. I thank you that I need to do nothing to warrant Your love. I thank you that You "love me just as I am, but You love me too much to leave me just where I am". Please fill me again this day with the power of Your Holy Spirit.... for I need YOUR strength and power to complete step two! Lord, help me as I shift my focus from myself to YOU... I love you, Lord Jesus! Amen.

2010-08-25T11:11:00.004-06:00

Psalm 27:7-8 (NLT)

Hear me as I pray, O LORD.
Be merciful and answer me!
My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk to me."
And my heart responds, "LORD, I am coming."

How often do you pray? I mean, really pray?

I have to admit that prayer is a very weak point in my walk with God. I mean, I think about God a lot. I think about what Jesus has done for me. I really enjoy listening to sermons and having wonderfully insightful spiritual conversations with friends. I like to watch teaching dvd's and read Christian books. I am all about learning. But when it comes to taking that next step of living it all out, I seem to lag behind.

The word tells us to pray without ceasing. We should be talking to God ALL the time. We should be turning to Jesus and asking for His help. We should consult Him first before making big decisions, pray for the lost around us, praise and worship our Lord through our communications with Him.

Does this sound at all intimidating to anyone else? Does anyone else feel really bad inside when you get three fourths of the way through your day to realize you haven't talked to God even once? Does it make you feel like a bad Christian? Do you ever feel intimidated by the Lord and wonder if you even want to know what He has to say about this or that in your life?

I guess somewhere deep down inside I have always looked at prayer as something I had to initiate each day- maybe like God won't want to talk to me unless I come to Him first- that prayer is a mental task that is required of me that would prove beneficial if only I would do it.

But as I was reading in the Psalms this morning, this verse jumped out at me and just kept pressing on me.

My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk to me."
And my heart responds, "LORD, I am coming."

I am not really the initiator- God is! This is not a mental chore to be done each day, it is the invitation of the heart... God's heart speaking to mine- and my heart longing to receive and return this invitation. The Lords wants to hear from me, to have that fellowship with me.

I have spent a whole lot of years in my life blocking out the needs and desires of my heart, learning to not even listen to matters of the heart. After all, our logical minds work so much better in life, especially when we are trying to desperately protect ourselves from the hurts and dangers this world and the people in it can inflict- or at least this is the lie that is easily believed.

God has brought so many changes and much healing into my life these past six and a half years, but somehow I have still managed to cling to this last battleground- my heart. I have not fully surrendered my heart to the Lord. If I had, wouldn't I hear Him calling to me, "Come and talk with me."? And I still rule much of my life with my mind. If I didn't, wouldn't I hear my own heart's reply, "LORD, I am coming."?

Lord Jesus, I confess this day that I have held back pieces of my heart from you, choosing to "do it myself" rather than to completely trust in you. Lord, I thank you that You are loving and merciful, that You call to my heart each day and ask me to come and talk with You, and that You will hear me when I pray. Please help me break down these last defenses- these almost invisible walls I have built around my heart that has kept me from fully experiencing You. Help me to rid these fears from my life that keep me from wanting to hear You. May Your will (not mine) be done. I love you! Amen.

Surrender, Surrender, Surrender

2009-10-19T10:48:00.003-06:00

Surrender is a popular subject in both sermons and worship songs. God wants us to surrender everything to His will.... our lives, our decisions, our family members- everything. However, surrendering our will is usually a difficult thing for most of us to do. Yet, have you ever met someone who lives out a surrendered life? Have you seen the peace and joy that radiates from these truly blessed people? They have somehow learned first hand that a surrendered life accomplishes so much more than trying to make it on our own.

Yesterday, I listened to a lovely young woman from Kenya talk about her childhood, living with a mother who was surrendered to the Lord. She spoke of how common it is for Christians to talk one way but act another, but that her mother always lived out exactly what she spoke. She (the mother) believed in the Lord, and walked with Him every single day. This young woman grew up learning to live with and for the Lord every day. He was included in every aspect of life. It was not until she came to America that things began to change. She said after being in this country for awhile, she realized that she began to live her own life, make her own decisions.... only considering later that maybe she should ask the Lord what He thinks of her plans- hoping that He would either agree, or if not- given enough time He may change His mind. God was no longer the main source, He was an after thought. Can you relate to that? I can.

I, of course, have lived my whole life in this country.... in the self centered, me-oriented culture. My mother raised me to be "independent"! I was a master of "I can do it by myself!" Surrender and reliance on others is a weakness. This is the legacy my mother passed on to me. And my father just stepped back to let my mother "handle me", choosing to remain a passive influence in my life. The world I grew up in was one where men stayed out of the way, and the woman ran the show- she was the one in charge. Very feministic, and very backwards to the life I have now chosen for myself.

It took me YEARS to realize that I could not do everything myself.... I was not (and am not) superwoman. It took years and very hard circumstances for me to learn that I could not control everything. I needed my husband's help. I was not strong enough on my own. It took a couple more years to learn where that strength and help I so needed should come from---God. It was quite a process to shift control of my family from myself to my husband (where he is called to be the head of the household). I had to learn the truth behind biblical submission. And I have to say that our family runs so much better- I am so much better- living under the authority structure that God developed for families. I have learned how to surrender to my husband, and since I know that he has his best intentions at heart for me and our family, I can trust in his authority and decision making.

So shouldn't I be able to do the same just as easily when it comes to God? He has my best at heart as well, doesn't He? But somehow, those self sufficient ways that were so ingrained in me growing up- the "Me, me, me, I can do it myself so stay out of my way" thinking that prevails our society- this still clings on. Often I don't even recognize it. I'm just too consumed with running my own life to stop and think about where God is in everything I am doing. And this is because I am not currently surrendered to His will.

I had a period of surrender. It was difficult and challenging. At times even painful-- because God was doing healing work in me. But at the same time I have never felt better in my life, because I knew I was in God's will for me. I opened it all to Him and said, "Have your way, Lord!" Unfortunately, I don't live there. But shouldn't I? I have stumbled off that surrender path, and sometimes feel like maybe I've lost my way a little. But I can see the Lord in the distance, calling out to me, "over here... I'm over here. Let me help you find your way back!"

Jeremiah 4:1-4 (New Living Translation)

“O Israel,” says the Lord, “if you wanted to return to me, you could. You could throw away your detestable idols and stray away no more. Then when you swear by my name, saying, ‘As surely as the Lord lives,’ you could do so with truth, justice, and righteousness. Then you would be a blessing to the nations of the world, and all people would come and praise my name.”

Coming Judgment against Judah

This is what the Lord says to the people of Judah and Jerusalem: “Plow up the hard ground of your hearts! Do not waste your good seed among thorns. O people of Judah and Jerusalem, surrender your pride and power. Change your hearts before the Lord, or my anger will burn like an unquenchable fire because of all your sins.

Lord God, thank you that you are a patient God full of love and mercy. Thank you that You have a perfect will for my life, and You are eager to share it with me. Please help me be still before you. I want to step back from my busy, crazy world of self sufficiency. I want to learn to wait more on You, to listen for your soft, still voice to guide me. I want to live a surrendered life where my preoccupations rest only on You- on a relationship with you- and not on my problems. Please forgive me for my pride- I want to surrender this power I have tried to hold onto. Soften my hard heart so that your seeds can be properly sewn into my life and then on into the life of others. I love you. Amen.

Tomorrow Never Comes

2009-10-16T11:43:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow is a fantasy world that we addicts cling to when we are aware of our problems and our need for change.... BUT... we are not really willing to give up that which holds us hostage.

Each night I think of all the changes I will make.... tomorrow.

I will start exercising..... tomorrow.

I will eat proper portions..... tomorrow.

I will give up that yummy soda I love so much but I know is a real problem.... tomorrow.

I will start my serious bible study.... tomorrow.

I will concentrate on developing a consistent and productive prayer life.... tomorrow.

I WILL PUT GOD FIRST IN MY LIFE............... TOMORROW.

But the very sad truth is, TOMORROW NEVER COMES!!! Each night I go to bed with the very best intentions, but upon waking, I simply decide that I am just not quite ready.... I need ONE MORE DAY...... so TOMORROW is the lie I listen to once again.

Here is the truth in my life. I love to eat. And although the amount of food I now consume is much, much less than say, three or four years ago.... I am still eating more than I need, and often for the wrong reasons. I love sugary sweet drinks. I simply have about zero self control. I know I shouldn't drink them, especially not several times a day. But I like them, so I do what I want to, ignoring the check in my spirit that tells me that having no self control is the real problem. Pop and iced coffee drinks are not and should not be idols in my life. I am afraid to feel.... really feel- so whenever things get hard and I subconsciously think I will have to deal with some unpleasant feelings.... I slip into numbing mode, which usually involves food, drink (though nothing alcoholic) and some sort of mindless, time passing entertainment.

And the sad thing is, because I know exactly what I am doing, instead of feeling any true relief (like I did when living completely in a world of denial).... instead I feel guilty. I feel shame. I watch the weight creep on a pound or two at a time, and I hate myself for being so weak and uncontrolled. I have to wear my husband's clothes cause mine are mostly too tight, and I condemn myself some more.

At first I seeped into denial for a little bit.... not recognizing what I was doing, but I couldn't stay there for long, not really. But living in reality doesn't really help either, unless I am willing to stand up and courageously face my issues. I have to get real with myself, and with God. I need to totally realign my thinking with God's word.... because without Him, I can do nothing.

Our family agreed to host an Alpha group, to step out into a ministry program.... but ever since this began, I have been under an immense amount of internal attack. And I have to say that I am loosing this battle horribly. I have let negativity creep into my daily thinking because I have not been taking my thoughts captive. I have been running from God, because deep down I have let fear over run me- and I am afraid of the things that He will ask me to do. I have allowed myself to creep back into a rut, to forget all the things the Lord has done for me, to forget just how far I have come these last couple of years.

The Bible tells us not to worry about tomorrow, for today has enough troubles of it's own. But I think there is more to it than simply not worrying about the future. I think it is a reminder to live completely in today, to make decisions today instead of putting them off till tomorrow. We have to take responsibility TODAY.

My flesh does not like this. It wants to remain disobedient. It wants to cling to tomorrow. But my spirit knows the truth-- tomorrow never comes.

Dear Lord, without you I am lost, though still I run away. Lord, help me stop running. Help me be still and know that YOU are God. I want to surrender it all to you, but it is SO difficult. I need Your love and Your strength. I am nothing on my own. Thank You that You died for me, You have paid the price for my sins, and You have set me free. Help me walk in this freedom! Help me take my thoughts captive and focus on what Your word says of me- not what Satan says. My focus has been on the wrong thing for two long now, and I need You to help me back onto the right path-TODAY! I love you. Amen.

"A Good Servant of Christ Jesus"... part 2

2009-07-23T11:09:00.002-06:00

Do not neglect the spiritual gift you received through the prophecy spoken over you when the elders of the church laid their hands on you. Give your complete attention to these matters. Throw yourself into your task so that everyone will see your progress. Keep a close watch on how you live and your teaching. Stay true to what is right for the sake of your own salvation and the salvation of those who hear you. (1 Timothy 4:14-16)

This passage in 1 Timothy really stood out to me as my husband and I venture into the world of ministry. He grew up in a Christian home, but did not really come into a relationship with the Lord until shortly after I did 5 1/2 years ago. In this time, we have taken on roles in the church (he on the worship team singing, and I was the events coordinator for mid 2007-2008)... but ministry work is still very new to us, and I think we are both a bit apprehensive.

Our current pastor asked us to host an Alpha lifegroup in our home on WSMR (30 miles outside of Las Cruces), and we immediately accepted the challenge. We did not really need to discuss or think about it.... I think we both knew immediately that this was something that the Lord wanted us to do- to reach out to the lost military stationed at our post. We will be presenting the foundations of our Christina beliefs, in an atmosphere without pressure, to those who are seeking spiritual answers. And we know that there is potential for a continued group meeting in our homes after the course is over for those who join the faith. Although we are hosting, and not leading, the Alpha course... we would most likely be in the leadership role for whatever the group decides to continue into.

I wish that I could remember all the things that were spoken over me (as the passage advises), but I do have a pretty good idea of some of the spiritual giftings that God has placed in me. And I know he wants to use these giftings in me and through me to reach and help others around me. And I have to admit that this is a bit scary. But I know from experience that when the Lord calls us, and we step out in obedience, He will build both our faith and our confidence.

I like what Paul says here...

Throw yourself into your task so that everyone will see your progress. Keep a close watch on how you live and your teaching. Stay true to what is right for the sake of your own salvation and the salvation of those who hear you.

It is a good reminder that we need to be doing what God is calling us to.... and to focus on living the way He wants us to.... because the consequences of not doing it is not just that we mess up our own lives. No, Paul makes it quite clear that what we do affects those around us as well.

The main focus the the sermon yesterday at church was... "It's not about me!" We all tend to get so self focused sometimes.... and when we are only thinking about ourselves, we are leaving God out of it... thus we are unable to hear Him or really work for Him in His Kingdom. And I think that ultimately, even when we are not focusing on ourselves, but on God and serving Him... and things are going well in our lives because our focus is inward... it is still amazing to recognize that it is not about us. Even though we are getting blessed, our blessings are a testimony to reach others for God.

It is amazing how He works!

Lord God, I want to be a good servant of Christ Jesus. Thank you that you have saved me, pulled me up from the muck I lived in for so long, and cleansed me for your glory. Work through me and my husband as we seek to reach out to the lost. Help us keep our focus on you Lord, and not on our own troubles and anxieties. Help us to always remember that our lives are a living testimony that can determine not only our walk with you, but influence the walk of others as well. Please soften the hearts of those you will call to our Alpha group, and give us strength and courage to continue to take each new step as you call us into ministry work for the Kingdom of God. I love you. Amen.

"A Good Servant of Christ Jesus"...part 1

2009-07-23T10:14:00.005-06:00

1 Timothy 4 opens with Paul's warning to his spiritual son, Timothy, that in the last days, many will turn from the faith (and sound teachings) and will instead turn to deceiving spirits, and their consciences will have been seared.

Now the Holy Spirit tells us that in the last times some will turn away from true faith; they will follow deceptive spirits and teaching that come from demons. These people are hypocrites and liars, and their consciences are dead. (1 Timothy 4:1-2)

He goes on to talk to Timothy about staying true to God and Christ by how he teaches.

If you explain these things to the brothers and sisters, Timothy, you will be a worthy servant of Christ Jesus, one who is nourished by the message of faith and the good teaching you have followed. Do not waste time arguing over godless ideas and old wives' tales. Instead, train yourself to be godly. "Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come." This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it. This is why we work hard and continue to struggle, for our hope is in the living God, who is Savior of all people and particularly all believers. (1 Timothy 4:6-10)

Wow...how many times do we waste our time with people arguing over those things that have no eternal value? We allow ourselves to get so wrapped up in stuff that really has no true significance, all the while ignoring the quest we should have... to train ourselves to be godly. When we put the world in its right place, and instead focus on growing in our spiritual life, we grow in ways that far exceed only this world.... we gain benefits in this life and the one to come.

But how do we grow spiritually? I would love to be able to say that we can all just be good little Christians and set our minds only on the things of God. We can put the world in its place, pick up our Bibles, and be warriors for God. We can pray and seek Him, and everything will go our way... nothing bad will ever happen to us because of this wonderful relationship we have with our Lord.

Unfortunately, this is what I think many believers believe.... and this would be some of the false teaching from deceiving spirits that was aforementioned in the text above. If you believe this, then I am telling you right now that Satan is lying to you, and you are lying to yourself. Paul says right in this text that we have to work hard and struggle (or suffer) in our pursuit of godliness.

Because the truth is that it is in our struggles and our suffering that we grow in faith and character, thus "training for godliness". Without struggles and suffering in our lives, we tend to think we have it all together. We become prideful and self sufficient, and we do the exact opposite of turning to God and trusting that He will provide for us.

Oh, we may do it for a little while, but sooner or later (just like the Isrealites), we all forget the wonderful things the Lord has done for us in our times of great need... and we stop turning to Him constantly (if we even did to begin with), until the next time our lives begin to fall apart and we get overwhelmed. Then once we get to the absolute end of ourselves, we suddenly remember how God came through for us the last time, and we take our trust in ourselves and move it back to a trust in God.

So this is what suddenly occurs to me as I write this....

We should know when we do not make pursuing godliness our ultimate goal, exactly where that leads..... sin, temptation, pride, self sufficiency. We allow the world, and Satan, to get a hook in us for awhile, thus causing pain and suffering. At this point, we have two choices. Either turn away from God and give into the world (though this will ultimately lead to more pain and suffering)... OR... we turn to God, repent, learn to depend on Him again, and ultimately grow in our character and godliness.

BUT... what of the thinking that life would just be wonderful and rosy if we did learn to always turn to God first? If we stayed in His word each and every day? If we prayed and communicated with our Lord and Savior at times other than when we are in trouble? What happens when we set ourselves on pursuing godliness instead of the world? (as Paul suggests in this text?)

I can tell you.... persecution and spiritual warfare. Last month, my family experienced much of this during a time where we were pursuing God and his godliness in our lives and in our God given quest to help my longest and dearest friend.

And let me tell you (as I am sure many of you already know), spiritual attack can be just as tiring and painful as the times we get ourselves in a mess with the world. But it is through the struggles and suffering of this spiritual warfare that will grow our faith and character, just as with the struggles we face in the world. However, when I take a hard look at these experiences, I can see how much greater my faith grows when my struggles are combined with my pursuit of godliness, rather than my struggles with the world. When I am seeking after God and godliness, I am "a worthy servant of Christ Jesus, one who is nourished by the message of faith and the good teaching you have followed". My hope is in God!

So I must come to the dramatic conclusion that we simply cannot avoid struggles and suffering. Bottom line is this... you are either suffering for Christ, or suffering for the world. We can serve Christ, or serve the world. We can try to run away, or we can face it head on and let the Lord grow our character. I choose to be strong in Him!

Lord God, thank you for your true and living word that speaks to us each time we seek it with an open heart. Lord, struggles and suffering are not fun, but I choose to let you use these things in my life to strengthen and grow me to be the child of God you want me to become. Forgive me for the times I forget your faithfulness and try to tackle this world on my own. You are my hope and my strength. Use my life and my voice to reach your children. I love you. Amen.

Freedom Is Not a One-time Event

2009-07-06T10:41:00.003-06:00

This Sunday, I think in honor of our country's birthday and "Independence Day", my pastor gave a sermon on freedom, titled "How to be Totally Free".

We live in a "free country". We do not live under government oppression or dictatorship. We are free to choose how to live our lives, how to worship, who to marry, what career to follow, and so on. But the truth is, most of us are not really living "free" lives.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galations 5:1

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, "If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." They answered Him, "We are Abraham's descendants, and have never been in bondage to anyone. How can you say, 'You will be made free'?" Jesus answered them, "Most assuredly, I say to you, whoever commits sin is a slave to sin and a slave does not abide in the house forever, but a son abides forever. Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed." John 8:31-36

I have been trying to walk on this road of freedom for quite awhile now. I have gone through this healing journey where God has been setting me free. But somehow I think my thinking has gotten a bit off track... because lately I have been struggling to walk through this freedom. Maybe I had it set in my mind that once you have been freed, then everything will just automatically fall into place and there will never be another problem in that area again.

I know, I know.... wishful thinking. But how often to we really believe something deep down even though on the surface we may think we are believing something else? And we must look at our behavior to determine which beliefs we are really following. On the surface, it is logical to think that of course we need to keep turning to God daily, to pick up our cross daily, to say "no" to our flesh daily.... but if deep down we think, "once free, always free and I never have to deal with it again", then we are setting ourselves up for trouble.

Here is my personal example of this folly-thinking.... In 2007, God freed me of my eating addictions. For a year, I consistently walked out this freedom. Each day I picked up my cross and said "NO" to my flesh. However, since moving to NM, I have struggled. I got lazy. I got selfish. I began to indulge my flesh in tiny ways and used stress and uncertainty as my excuses. I chose to believe that I am free, therefore I need not do any of the work. Over time I somewhere gave up my complete surrender in this area.... I was not surrendering daily to my Lord.

Sure, when things are going well and easy in my life, it is much easier to coast through and think that I am still free. But when things get hard and/or challenging, the food becomes a subtle comfort I have come to rely on all the while still thinking in my head I that I have been set free, so I have NO problems. And the flesh has no trouble finding excuses.

My oldest and dearest friend came to stay with me (with her three daughters) for just under a month. During this time, there was much Spiritual attack going on, and much warfare on our behalf. It was a tiring time, though God was so working through these circumstances in such awesome ways.

My friend and her daughters eat... a lot. They have high metabolisms and blood sugar issues that require eating several times a day. So while they ate, I ate. Unfortunately, my body does not require the amount of food (nor as frequently) as what they eat... yet I was on some levels trying to "keep up with them".... or at least this is the excuse my flesh clung to. But the truth is, if I was still walking out my freedom from food issues, I would have said no each time my body did not need that food... regardless of the fact that it was almost always healthy food I was eating. My body didn't need it, but I ate anyway.

Then I told myself that once they went home, I would return to my "normal" eating habits and lose the 5 pounds I gained while they were here. But of course now that they are home.... my flesh still wants the food, because the reality is that I have not been free for awhile. If you feed the flesh, the flesh gets stronger. And the only way to defeat the flesh is to feed the spirit while starving the flesh. Well, I am sure that all you fellow food addicts will agree with me that STARVING is not a word that us food lovers like... AT ALL. But that is the reality. If I do not say no to my flesh, my spirit will not grow. And I want my spirit to grow... not my weight.

So here I am, finally admitting that I have basically walked away from my freedom, all the while somewhat beating myself up because of it, while still wanting to feed my flesh. And there have been emotional/spiritual things I have been putting off facing.... thus continuing my cycle of turning to my flesh rather than feeding my spirit. So let's just say that hearing a sermon on freedom was exactly what I needed to hear this past Sunday morning. And my pastor made a statement that reached deep to the core of me.

"True freedom must be fought for and maintained. Total freedom is not just getting free; it is staying free. Do you have a passion for freedom in your spirit?"

Wow! Did I need to hear that, or what?!!! He went on to talk about how God can free us, but we have the ability to fall back into bondage. Then he went on to quote a great patriot of our country, Patrick Henry:

(The cry of a freedom fighter)..."Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid I, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!"

This is what each of our hearts should cry out in the face of spiritual chains and bondage...."give me liberty, or give me death!" We should all have this passion so deep in our souls that we will do anything to find freedom, to break free from our chains. I had this passion once.... and I must find it again!

As I was reading in my Bible this morning, I read the following passage in the psalms:

"Who may climb the mountain of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? Only those whose hands and hearts are pure, who do not worship idols and never tell lies. They will receive the Lord's blessing and have a right relationship with God their savior. Such people may seek you and worship in your presence, O God of Jacob." Psalm 24:3-6 NLT

It occurred to me that when you look the chains of bondage that enslaves most of us, they are really an idol in disguise. We are worshiping food or television or material possessions or chemical substances or celebrities or relationships... the list can really go on and on. Our hands and hearts are not pure, and we are just lying to ourselves about who or what we are really worshiping in these chains of slavery. Everytime I choose to put food in my mouth that I do not need because it brings me comfort, I am denying the power of my Lord who died for me, and instead I am choosing to worship the God of this world, the father of lies, the enemy of my soul. I am saying that God is not enough for me, Jesus is not enough for me because I have to use something else (food, entertainment, possessions) to fill that hole that only Jesus can fill. And Satan has me right where he wants me.

Climbing the "mountain of the Lord" is hard work..... very hard work. But it is what we all must do to be right with the Lord and receive His blessings. I want to seek the Lord. I want to worship in His presence. Because the truth is, He is so much better than all other idols combined!!!

The thesis to Sunday's sermon was this: "To walk in total freedom we must face facts, reject lies and myths, and receive revelation of God's truth presently applied to our life."

Are you ready?

Lord God, thank you that you offer us freedom from all the slavery this world engulfs us in. There is no condemnation in you, Christ Jesus. You love us and died for our sins, to pay the price that we may be free. Forgive me Lord for falling away from the freedom You have given me. I choose to walk in Your ways, to climb Your mountain, to turn away from sin and take every thought captive as your word commands. Thank you for Your Word and guidance. Please continue to speak Your Truth into my heart and spirit, to dispell the lies of the enemy of my soul. I love you. Amen.

Confidence

2009-05-04T09:18:00.002-06:00

(italics added by me)

Jeremiah 17:7-8 NLT

But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.

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As I was riding home last night from a long day of church activities, I began to think back to the first women's retreat I went to hosted by the PVCF ladies (or maybe it was the second one.....).

I just remember singing this song where the words were something like this.... "I will give you a new name..... your name will no longer be.... (then there was a long list of stuff that we think about ourselves negatively)". The song went on to announce the new names that God calls us. At the end of singing this song, we got into small groups and prayed with each other. The name spoken over me was "confident". I made this big posterboard with the confident plastered across it diagonally. But the really neat part of it was that I used purple construction paper for the parts that outline the letters, so you had to read the white part of the board to see the word confident.

Anyway, one of the words God gave me about my trip to Virginia was confidence. It was going to be a time of letting go (finding closure for the pain of the past) and a time for stepping out in confidence. I had forgotten all about that past women's retreat and my "new name" from so long ago. But it all came back to me on my trip home last night.

I know many people who have a "life verse".... something they cling to that defines or represents their life. There are several versed I have always liked, and some I have clung to in difficult times (like James 1:2-4 really speaks to me during deployments...... "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.")

But after thinking about this "new name" God gave to me years ago.... and how He has brought it back up again recently, I decided to look up some verses with the word confidence in them. I think my favorite is Jeremiah 17:7-8.

I don't know if I would consider it a "life verse", but I know I want to be like that strong tree planted by the riverbank. I want to be so confident in and through the Lord that I can still produce fruit in my life in the midst of times of heat and drought, without worry because my hope is in the Lord.

Lord God, thank you for working in my life in such tangible ways. Thank you that you provide those opportunities to step out in faith, to build confidence and hope in You. Thank you that you want to build and equip me to further your kingdom. I love you. Amen.

Steps Taken, Faith Abounds

2009-04-30T08:56:00.002-06:00

God is so GOOD!

Can I say that again?

God is SO GOOD!

When I first got the call inviting me back to Virginia, I have to admit that along with being excited to get to see my friends, I was also very nervous and even a bit scared because I knew going would mean facing some things that I wasn't sure I wanted to face. But I also knew that the bottom line was, if I was really growing and maturing in the Lord like I thought I was, then this was my step of faith... my opportunity to show myself that actions speak louder than words.

I can say that I have grown and conquered my fear of rejection, but if I do not face those situations where I know rejection is possible, then what good are my words? I can say with confidence that God is calling me into ministry, but if I ignore His calling and let fear keep me back, then how will I ever build my confidence to do what God is calling me to do?

God has been telling me for a little while now that I have been playing the "healing card" for too long... that He wants me to step into more of a ministry role. And I have been afraid of that. I have been afraid to fail, afraid to be rejected (by both people and God), and I have allowed these fears to hold me back.

But over these last couple of months, God has been working on pulling up this root of rejection that was so deep inside of me that is was affecting how I related to people, challenges, obstacles, and even to God Himself. It was fueling my people pleasing and former codependent behaviors and depression, as well as my pride, judgment, anger and bitterness. It was challenging my confidence and questioning my abilities. But with God's help, I can say, "No more!"

Mo more am I going to let fear of a situation stop me, for I know my God is with me. Mo more am I going to let a human's approval (or lack of approval) stop me, for I know my God approves of me-and His approval is all I need. No more will I stand in my own way, letting doubts and insecurities and "worst case scenarios" stop me from moving forward, for my God fills me with his peace and love.

Two weekends ago, my daughter went off to an Encounter (retreat) and came home a new girl. God has become real in her life in a way He wasn't before, and He changed her. And now I feel like I, too, have come home a new girl.

I have learned to let go of the past. I have learned to face my fears head on. I have learned to work through uncomfortable situations and find reconciliation where in the past I would have just run away forever. I have learned that I can move forward and do what God is asking me to do, even when I am not at my own desired 100%. I have learned that I can not only hear what God is speaking to me, but that He does fully equip me to do what He is calling me to do.

In prayer before I made the decision to take this trip, the word I heard was "confidence". This was going to be an opportunity to fully step into the confidence God wants for my life. And on this journey I did amazing things.

I remained calm instead of allowing my own anxieties overwhelm me. I reconciled with the two women I was most afraid to speak to (and most afraid to be rejected by). I lead two sessions of worship (just me and my guitar) for a room full of woman I hadn't seen in months using some songs I knew they may not know, and singing with a voice that still crackled from my cold. (This in itself still amazes me because I used to be such a perfectionist that if I thought I could not do it 100%, I often gave up and wouldn't do it at all!) I prayed with my dear friend, letting the Holy Spirit come in and guide me, helping her find peace and direction for her situation. (That, by the way, was so awesome! Knowing that God is working through you to help your sister in Christ! It was ALL God, but I feel privileged to be His vessel!) And when I had no voice left to sing at church Sunday morning, I prayed instead, hearing God's Word that He wanted me to share... then I stood up and croaked it into the microphone for all to hear. What a weekend!

Again I say.... GOD IS SO GOOD!

Lord God, Your kindness is so great and Your love and mercy so overwhelming. Thank you so much for this opportunity to go back to Virginia. This trip brought closure where I needed closure, and confidence where I needed confidence, just as you had promised before I left. I thank you for this opportunity to grow in You! Please bless all my brothers and sisters in Virginia, who I miss..... but I know they are always near in Spirit. I love you. Amen.

A Step of Faith

2009-04-17T11:20:00.002-06:00

Have you ever noticed that when God calls us forward to do something new and scary, and we seek His will for the situation.... that often we have no problem saying yes, but only after we are committed do we wonder what in the heck have we gotten ourselves into?

I was asked about a week and a half ago to come out to Virginia to help with worship for a women's retreat. And by help, I mean lead. Two sets. Just me and a guitar. (Someone else will do the other two sets.)

Of course I am really excited about going to Virginia to see my friends that I have not seen in 8 months. But there are challenges and worries associated with this trip as well. Of course, for starters there is the actual worship part. Though I have felt somewhat recently that leading worship may be a future calling, it is still scary to step out in faith and do it. I have lead our Lifegroup here in NM twice, but singing for about 6-8 other people is a little less intimidating than 15-20.

I have gathered six songs that I am quite comfortable with, and I have been practicing. And I am excited that some of them might be new for the ladies. At least one will, cause I wrote that one myself. But I guess my point is that the actual worship seems to be the least of my worries right now, though I am sure my nervousness will increase as the next week goes by.

Instead I am worrying about my kids. My oldest (who will be 15 next week) will be the one in charge of her 10 and 7 year old siblings while their dad is at work. And now he might have to work over the weekend, too. So possibly all six days I will be gone she will have a lot of responsibility. And since we homeschool, they will be home the entire time.

So here is what goes through my mind.... maybe I'm being selfish in going! Maybe it's too much for Nikki! (Maybe so, but in reality I know she can handle it.) What if they fight the whole time and chaos completely breaks out with no parents at home? What if a neighbor calls base police because of children home alone? (I know this is leftover insecurity from my child services incident years ago in my pre-believer life.) What if one of them gets hurt? These are all the things that the enemy is throwing at me to try to steal away any peace I have about leaving my children for this 6 day trip.

And then on a very personal note, going to Virginia will mean facing a situation I walked away from eight months ago.... one that is uncomfortable and somewhat terrifying. In the past, I have shut down in uncomfortable and confrontational situations. Often I will just walk away and avoid it, preferring to live in denial or just withdrawing from it all together. And I have to admit this is a part of myself I do not much like.

Now there will be no running away, withdrawal, or denial. I have to face my fear head-on. I know this is a step God is calling me to do, along with putting myself out there with the worship. And because I know this is something God is calling me to do (Step up instead of run away), I agreed quite quickly. And now the reality is slowly seeping in, and again I am left to wonder what have I gotten myself into?

But here is the truth... God is only going to ask me to do what is good for me. He has my best interest in mind. He will be with me every step of the way, and all I have to do is rest in Him. Scary, huh?

Father God, You have asked me to step outside of my comfort zone in so many ways on this trip.... and I know I really have no other choice but to trust You. I thank you for being here with me as I face my fears, and I humbly ask you to give me your courage and boldness on this trip. Let everything I say and do be for Your glory! I love you. Amen.

Wedding: Take Two...... Marriage is a Covenant

2009-04-04T10:56:00.008-06:00

When we got married the first time fourteen years ago, things were much different in our lives. First of all, we were SOOO young. I could not even legally drink champagne at my wedding (not that I wanted to). And I did not know the Lord.

We got married in Paul's church, Epworth United Methodist, with his pastor giving a hilarious sermon on how advice about marriage doesn't always apply when the groom is already "married to Uncle Sam". Although I loved our little church wedding, there was definitely an element missing. I did not understand or believe in the covenant of marriage.

Paul knew he was marrying me forever. He grew up believing in the Christian values of marriage, and he had great role models in his parents, who will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary next year.

However, I was a child of divorce. And although I had no intentions of ever wanting to leave this man, I once told him that I could not say with 100% certainty that we would never divorce. Of course he did not like that conversation much, but at that time I figured I was a realist, and it just goes to show how different backgrounds can color each person's views.

We have gone through our share of hard times, and we made the conscious decision very early in our marriage that we were going to use the adversity to make us stronger rather than tearing us apart like we had seen in so many other Navy marriages. Because he was not always around (I figure we have spent at least a third of our fourteen years geographically separated from one another), we learned that time together is precious and we should not take each other for granted. And we grew stronger as a couple.

About 9 years into our marriage, I went through an Alpha course at the Peninsula Vineyard in Virginia... and that experience changed me forever. I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, and ultimately that drew my wonderful husband into a real relationship with the Lord. Over these past five years we have continued to grow closer, and we have been able to see how the Lord protected us during all those years we were living without Him.

When our current church began the "Love Dare", I knew that we were already on the right track with so many things in our marriage. And many of the dares we literally could not do because we have already been doing them for years. But I wanted to participate in this experience because at the end there was going to be the opportunity to renew our vows and our covenant.

I have wanted to do this for sometime now. I wanted to say my vows again to the man I love, the one I have commited my life to.... and this time I wanted to say them from my heart before God. I wanted to pledge my commitment, not as a marriage contract.... that can be nullified at any time the "arrangement" no longer suits it's purposes. But as a marriage covenant, a verbal commitment based on trust, assuring my love that my promise to him is unconditional and meant for life, spoken before God out of my love for him.

I made a cake for the event, which turned out beautifully. And the church put on this georgeous Italian dinner, transforming the Youth Chapel into a beautiful "Italian Bistro". We all dressed up, and my Prince looked so handsome in his Navy uniform (just like he did that December day long ago). I curled up my hair and wore my sparkley black dress. It was so much fun!

After dinner, they brought each couple up individually to ask them questions about what defines them as a couple, or how did the "Love Dare" change them. And then they gave each couple the opportunity to publically affirm their mate, sharing their heart. My husband said such sweet words to me as tears ran down his face, and I returned the favor. I figure that was fitting as well (He cried at our wedding, too). Then the pastor prayed over us and our marriage. We got to sign a Marriage Covenant document (which I plan to frame along with pictures from the evening) expressing our commitment to each other. And we got to enjoy hearing the stories of the other 20 or so couples in attendance. It was a wonderful night.

And half way through the evening I had a wonderful idea. I knew that my husband had only one regret about our first wedding.... I did not let him smear frosting on my face when we fed each other cake. He wanted to be a gentleman about it.... not wanting to smash huge amounts of cake in my face, only to smear a little. But when we cut the cake, the small piece broke into two. One side had frosting, and the other did not. So I had quickly grabbed up the piece with frosting (I do not like to eat frosting, but he does). And I left him only with a small piece with no frosting. So no icing could be smeared on my face.

But last night, I sliced two pieces for us... one with losts of frosting, the other with very little frosting. I handed my camera to a friend to capture the moment, and then told Paul I had a gift for him. I handed him the cake with all the frosting. We each broke off a piece to feed the other, and I ate some frosting. He was so sweet and didn't smear it at all.... so I told him to smear it. So he did. Then we traded the plates of cake and he finished the one with all the frosting and I got to eat mine without.

I figured this was a win-win situation! He got to relive what I didn't let him do fourteen years ago, and now I don't have to hear about it everytime we go to a wedding (or someone talks about their wedding and cake smearing). And I have to admit, it was funny.

And then after cake, the pastor had each couple face each other, and we said our vows to each other again, renewing our commitment to each other. It was such a wonderful moment.

Lord God, I thank you for this wonderful man you have given to me as my wedded husband for life. May you always help me be the best wife I can be for him. Bless our love and life together as we live to serve you. I love you. Amen.

An April Fool's Story

2009-04-02T16:29:00.002-06:00

Our church is having a sweetheart banquet tomorrow night as part of our "Fireproof Your Marriage" thing. The evening will be a semi-formal event with catered Italian food and the opportunity for any couple who wants to to renew their wedding vows.

So I have been working all week on a wedding cake for this event. It is also a trial run for a possible wedding cake order for this summer. So in my freezer yesterday was three and a half iced tiers of cake, plus my small completed birthday cake. On my counter cooling was the final layer to complete the half tier from the freezer.

I ran to the store to get a few things, and when I returned my 7 year old son comes running out of the house.

"I'm so sorry Mommy, but I accidentally smashed your cake!", he says to me.

"WHAT???!!!!", I exclaim. (At this point thinking he must mean the layer I just baked, and I was NOT happy about the idea of having to rebake it.)

"I accidentally smashed your cake. Maybe you should go look in the freezer and see if you can fix it!"

I hurried into the house, dropped everything I was carrying while yelling out, "What does he mean he smashed my cake????!!!!" At this point I am trying to imagine exactly what he was doing in the freezer in the first place, and whether or not this warranted a little talking to between my hand and his behind.

As I walk into the laundry room and open the freezer, frantically scanning each cake to see what the damage is, Justin screams at the top of his lungs..... "APRIL FOOL"S DAY!!!!"

He got me. He got me good! Of course it was not his brainchild, but that of his older sisters who were wise enough to know if they had told me the same thing, I probably would not have believed them. I most likely would have remembered the date and known exactly what they were trying to pull. So it really was pure genius to concoct such a scheme and get their little brother to do the dirty work.

And I have to say he is one good little actor. Not a smile or a giggle the whole time until the ruse was up. I'm really going to have to keep my eye on that little guy next year!!!

Venturing Forward

2009-04-02T15:59:00.003-06:00

I'm in a bit of a rut these days. I'm comfortable while being not-so-comfortable... if that makes any sense. I have been hiding out a bit. I have been listening to some of the things God is calling out to me, but I haven't been ready to go there yet.

It also seems like there is a lot of chaos going on around me, and I am trying to figure out how to balance being helpful and supportive of others around me without absorbing their emotional chaos. I am one who has been blessed to sense and feel what is going on in others. . The enemy has done a great job over the years taking something God gave me as a gifting, and turning it around to be used against me. And if I am not careful, that will totally affect me and change and darken my own moods.

So I have just been hanging out... and baking a lot of cake. Getting my portfolio up to date, and making more cake. I have absorbed myself in physical matters around me while hiding a bit from the spiritual ones.

I have spent the last (almost) two years going through a "healing process".... my journey. Over a year ago, I saw a glimpse of how God wants to use this journey- and me to help others. But I have comfortably clung to my "healing status". I know that God's plan is to eventually use me to help others, but of course that is down the road. I'm not ready yet. I'm not capable. I'll just mess it up. Right?

But God is telling me that I have been playing the healing card for too long, and now it is time to move forward into more of a ministry role. Can I say........ SCARY!

And I realized this past month that part of the reason I have been hiding out is because I am afraid that God will not accept me or approve of the job I do. I have always leaned on the side of "discouraged perfectionist"-if you think you can't do it perfectly, then don't do it at all.

So stepping out and doing something that to me feels so huge, it is scary to think that I will fail and somehow only receive disapproval from God. My earthly family pretty much does not approve of my life and beliefs, and I have transferred that onto God as well. But He showed me that I do not need to worry about screwing up and not receiving His approval, because I already have His approval. Now I just have to accept it and believe in it. I need to have faith.

So I have been sitting in my little rut, slowly getting more uncomfortable while trying to gather up my nerve and take this bold step forward. I have been taking some baby steps, though. I did lead worship at my lifegroup two Sundays in a row. That was pretty big for me.

Paul and I have been reading some healing books by Neil Anderson. And I finally bit the bullet and ordered his book on Discipleship Counseling. I'm a research gal. If God is going to call me into a more active role in ministry, then I gotta know what I am getting into. I want to be prepared.

So I guess I've got some reading to do!

Lord God, thank you that you have a plan and a purpose for my life. I ask that you would fill me with your strength, wisdom, and courage. Give me a boldness to go out and follow you no matter what. Help me to focus on you and not all the obstacles around me that whisper that I can't do it. Let everything I do be for your glory, and not my own. I love you. Amen.

More Cakes and Updated Photos

2009-04-02T13:16:00.001-06:00

Sorry that I have been M.I.A. lately.... but I wanted to let everyone know I have added more cake photos to the side photo gallery, and also a couple of photos from 2008.

Hope everyone enjoys!

My Love Story

2009-03-12T09:30:00.002-06:00

Hey Everybody..... I am trying to win a book.... so check out Jessica's Romantic Giveaway on her blog Intense Blessings , and you could be my competition! Thanks!
...................................................................

It's fitting that the request was to share our love story, cause my husband and I are participating in a "Love Dare/Fireproof Your Marriage" group, and we have been asked a couple of times to share our story... how we met.

Paul and I grew up in the same hometown, half our lives living only 4 or 5 minutes from each other, then only about 15 minutes apart during our older school years. We may have even played together (near each other) when we were like 4 or 5... cause my mom was friends with the mom that lived on the corner of his street. I remember visiting there and having neighborhood boys running around playing with the boys that lived at this house (I went to preschool at the same church Paul's parents now attend, with the older boy Chet, and three years later my little sister went to preschool with his brother Michael).

But we official met at Ball State University, 90 miles away from our hometown, in November of our freshman year. The gal who lived in the room directly below mine (Tammy), was in marching band with Paul. She brought him over to our dorm one day and was introducing him around. That particular day, I officially gave up on the guy I had a crush on (he wouldn't ask me out because he didn't want to mess up friendships in our circle of friends... complicated story), so when I saw Paul across the room, I thought, "He's cute, I'll go talk to him!" He immediately said something funny and twisted, and we hit it off right away.

My mother had been encouraging me to "play the field", so I was excited that week to have two dates with two guys (I was asked to dinner by a different male friend).... but after my date with Paul, I canceled the other. Shortly after, we became almost inseparable, and within weeks he moved into my dorm (it had the girls on one side and the guys on the other with a big lobby separating the two).

We spent two more semesters together at school before we both went back home. I continued with school at a local branch while having our first daughter, and he joined the Navy. We married at the end of that year.

We spent the first 21 months of our marriage separated, as Paul had gone from one Navy school to another school in Virginia to a ship that deployed for 6 months.... so I stayed in Indiana and finished my degree. Nikki was two and a half when we finally were able to live together as a family.

In the years that followed, we had two more children, along with a few more moves (to Illinois and then back to Virginia, and now to New Mexico), and we went through our share of hard times. But through it all, we have had a strong relationship. Five years ago, I became a Christian, and Paul began to have a real relationship with the Lord. Since then, our marriage has gotten even better and stronger.

I feel so blessed that we somehow figured out at an early age how to really listen and communicate effectively. We have had so many circumstances stacked up against us that would make many think a healthy and strong marriage would be near impossible, but somehow the Lord preserved our marriage through all those years we lived without Him. Thank you, Jesus!

I think the thing I love the most about our marriage is how perfectly we seem to have been made for each other. We often know what the other is thinking before it is even said. We have many similarities and common interests, usually agreeing on most things (that helps eliminate fights and disagreements). And where there are differences.... we usually compliment each other. Where I am weak, he is strong (and visa versa)... we balance each other out.

I know my husband loves me, faults and all... and I am so amazed at times how well he really does know me. And I am sure that he would say the same thing. He is my best friend, and I am his. We share everything together, and neither of us would want it any other way. He is my shoulder to cry on during my hard times, and I am the emotional support he leans on in his hard times.

Everyone should be so blessed as to find a spouse as wonderful as mine.... to have God fill your marriage with the love and skills needed to love each other unconditionally, and work together through the hard times (coming out the other end so much stronger than you were to begin with)... as well as enjoy the good times!

One thing that Navy life has taught us is this..... don't ever take the other person, or the time you have with them, for granted. Cherish every day together. Love each other and focus on the positive instead of letting negative circumstances tear you apart.

May each of you be blessed wildly in your marriages and relationships!
God Bless!

A Heart Breaking Experience

2009-03-05T09:51:00.002-07:00

Two weeks ago, Paul came home from church with a prayer request for a family from the Picnic in the Park (the ministry we are involved with that feeds the poor and homeless of Las Cruces)... to pray for a family who were about to lose their kids. He did not have details, other than the there was a court hearing that week.

Last night, this couple joined my table at our Wednesday evening Bible study at church. Fitting enough was the topic of the evening... the storms of life. This family is going through quite a storm right now. The husband is trying to stay strong for his wife, and the wife is trying not to fall apart with the absence of her small children.

At the end of the evening, during prayer time, this mother of two broke down in tears. Let me just say, that in the past, I would have run away from this situation as fast as I could. I would have felt badly inside, but yet so uncomfortable I would have no words to say to this hurting mother. I would have been so afraid of my own repressed pain and emotions, that I had no ability whatsoever to show compassion to another hurting soul I did not know.

But last night, the Lord broke my heart for this woman. I cried with her, and I tried to comfort her as best I could. I felt the Lord telling me to tell her that He was there holding her hand, that she could lean on him during this painful time. It could have been easy for me to walk away without saying a word.... actually that would have been the comfortable thing for me to do. But instead, I walked around to the other side of the table, and I whispered to her that Jesus was there holding her hand. She broke down more and began to tell me a little bit about her kids. I cried with her and told her how sorry I was that this was happening to her, and I asked her a couple of questions, like how old her children are. Then she had her husband show me their picture. Most of all, I just tried to listen with compassion.

Even though this was an uncomfortable situation to be in, I really felt the Lord stretching me and changing my heart. I know that God is walking me through my own healing knowing He wants to use me to help other hurting people.... and in this process, I have to step out of my comfort zone and let Him use me.

I do not know if I helped this woman at all during this painful time in her life, but I know that at least in some small way, the Lord has changed me through her pain.

Lord God, I do not really know most of the circumstances behind what is going on with this family, but You do. You know their pain and their needs, and I know that ultimately You are in control of this family's situation. Bless this family with Your peace and comfort during this storm in their lives. Thank you for changing my heart and growing me more in You. Give me strength and courage to step out in uncomfortable circumstances to show compassion to your hurting children. I love you. Amen.

Parental Freak-out

2009-02-26T11:58:00.002-07:00

Ok, so I had my first real "my baby is growing up" freak out last night. My baby, my firstborn is about to be 15. She's getting ready to get her driver's permit (scary in itself, but I won't be the one teaching her to drive).... and to me it seems like I can see the end of her childhood staring me in the face closer than I want to realize.

In three years she will be an adult (at least according to the law). She looks at me like I'm crazy cause to her three years is still a lifetime away. But I'm not so young anymore, and to me three years flies by before I know it. I enjoy seeing her change and grow, but I can't help but think I am much too young to be facing the reality of letting go of my baby. But she's not a little girl anymore.

Maybe it's hitting me a little hard because I am about to be 35. By no means do I see myself as old, but I am at the point in my life where I am facing the reality that I am not that young anymore either.

It is also hitting me that my husband only has 5 years left in the military. When I was still oh, so young, and time passed a bit more slowly... retirement was a lifetime away. I have always liked the security I feel knowing Paul won't lose his job, and we always have health insurance. I know twice a month, like clockwork, his pay will be there no matter what. And there was always so much time left before facing the "real world".... but now that real world is calling out to me.

I see the end of his career looming closer and I admit it scares me a bit. I know he will have good job prospects when he gets out of the service, but we will be facing the unknown. Of course I recognize that God will have something great for him (and probably even way better because there will be no more deployments... yippie!). But still it is hard not to cling to the known... the comfortable.

I have to remind myself that the Bible tells us not to worry. Don't worry about tomorrow, for today has enough worries of it's own. Don't worry about the future, because God has a plan for a hope and a future, a plan to prosper not harm.

I think about our economy and the spiritual state of this country. It can be saddening and overwhelming at times. But I know God is in charge. He is in control. A friend recently told me that she believes that our country will have to fall apart before Jesus can return. You know, that kind of made sense a bit. She said that America is like that codependent rescuer... out to save everyone else around the world, and how is the world going to be willing to follow a one world rule (the antichrist mentioned on Revelations) unless we as a country fall apart and can no longer be the ones to keep everything and everyone "together"?

I wonder about what kind of world will be here for my children to raise their children in. We live in the Land of the Free, however, conservative Christian faith is being subtly attacked and our rights are being chipped away little by little.

All these thoughts and feelings cascade my mind.... but I know the answer is simple. I need to keep my eyes on Jesus. I need to serve him with my life, and focus on working for His kingdom rather than focusing on all these "what if's" of the world.

Lord, thank you that you bring peace and comfort even during uncertain or scary times. Help me stay focused on you, Lord, knowing that I cannot really do anything about my circumstances other than to surrender to you. I love you. Amen.

Because I Want To, Not Cause I Have To

2009-02-18T10:25:00.002-07:00

So there are all of these great things going on around me that I have wanted to be a part of... joining in my church's "Year of the Bible" where I committed to reading a chapter a day and journaling once a week, the "40 Day Love Dare" based on the Fireproof movie, along with working on the Thin Within/Thin Again and other healing processes. These are all things I wanted to commit to. However, I am realizing that once I commit, I shut down. I don't do it. I am behind. I am overwhelmed.

So why is this happening? I am reminded of Romans 8 when Paul refers to doing things I don't want to do and not doing the things I do want to. This is where I am at. I want to read my Bible each day, but I don't. I want to journal each week, but I don't. I want to pray with my husband each day, but I don't. I want to do family worship and devotionals, but we don't. The list goes on and on.

But today I realized that each time I decided to take one of these things on, especially if I have officially "committed to it" (our church uses commitment cards to encourage participation)... I change my "want to" into a "have to", and this is powerful ammunition for my flesh. My flesh rebels... HARD against "have to's". If I think I have to do something, I set myself up for failure time and time again. I think I cannot do it or follow through, so I don't. Then I begin to feel guilty because I committed but then don't do what I said I would. With the guilt comes condemnation, which in turn fuels the "I can't do it" thinking which feeds the feelings of being overwhelmed.

But here is the truth. I NEED to be fed by the spirit of God each day. I WANT to be fed by the spirit of God each day. I have the FREEDOM to choose to be fed or go hungry, there is NO "have to"..... no guilt, no condemnation.

Lord God, fill my heart with you this day. I want to be consumed by your spirit to the point that I want to seek you out each morning because I know I cannot truly live without you. Turn all of my "have to's" back to "want to's" and my "all or nothing" thinking into balanced thinking. Thank you for your unconditional love and grace. I love you. Amen.

Pouring Out God's Love

2009-02-09T12:08:00.002-07:00

Did you know that God wants to pour his love out on you? Do you feel it? Can you receive it?

For five years now I have been learning and reading about God's love... that He loves me. But I (as well as many others out there) have had a lot of trouble really believing it deep inside. It is head knowledge that has been lacking deep in my heart.

I grew up in a less than nurturing home where the feelings of love were hard to give and receive. My parents were not able to fulfill my deepest needs, and as a result I thought it was my fault (as many very young children do) and spent much of my life feeling unworthy of love.

I would be continually amazed as I got older when someone would want to spend time with me (because so many more did not) or would show interest in me, because deep down I felt disqualified somehow to be liked or loved by anyone else. I could not see what others saw in me. I didn't even know, or want to know, who I really was because I was so busy trying to please everyone around me in hopes of finding the love I so needed. I thought I had to be what they wanted, and perfect, for anyone to want to be with me.

So it really is no wonder why I could not accept God's love when I could barely accept it from my peers. I also had an unhealthy need of approval coupled with an extreme fear of authority. And who could be a greater authority than God Almighty?

How could I be good enough or worthy of God's love? I had equated love with approval and did not understand that someone, especially God, could love me simply for who I am, faults and all.

Over the years I have grown to trust in the Lord more and more, and that has helped me to grow closer to God. I have come to be able to see value in who He has created me to be and to embrace the giftings He has placed in my life.

But I was still being driven by this deep fear of rejection. Do I really believe that God loves ME? That he will NEVER reject me? I know it in my head, but can I really believe it in my heart? In the depth of my soul and spirit? Can I rest in the Father's love? Can I walk through any trial or times of trouble knowing I will come through it with the Lord's strength because of his incredible love for me?

I have been afraid to let go of my whole heart and surrender every ounce of it to God. I have been afraid because of feelings of rejection and criticism from my earthly parents. I had thought I had to make them happy and earn their love, that I had to be perfect.

Well, knowing I am not and cannot be perfect, nor could I make them happy (as if their happiness or unhappiness was based on me).... you can see the damage that can do to a small child. And my mother was not happy in her life with three small children. She was living a life she had "settled for", rather than the one she really wanted. And there was so much hurt in her that came out on us kids through critical words, judgments, and bitterness. That translated over into my psyche as rejection.

And I know that my father loved me, but he himself has told me that he "didn't know what to do with me (because I was such a sensitive child), so he just left me to my mother to deal with". Again, this left a scar of rejection imprinted on my soul.

So if deep down inside you feel rejected by the two people who are supposed to love you no matter what, then how can you possible trust or believe in God's unconditional love? We tend to transfer our feelings and experiences of our parents and their parenting onto God. And if you do that.... then maybe you see God as critical and judgmental or passive and uninterested. You either fear that He will hurt and lash out at you, or maybe you cannot believe He will really be there to meet your needs. If you did not know how to feel or receive your parents' love, then how can you believe that God loves us?

But He does! He loves us in ways that even the most loving parents in the world could never do. Isn't that amazing?

So this weekend, I have begun to open my heart.... my whole heart to God, to receive the love that He wants to pour over me. He has told me how worthy I am and how much He loves me. But more than that, he has given me a wonderful gift!

He told me that my parents did not reject ME, they just did not know HOW to love me!

That was such a powerful statement that I cannot even begin to fully express it in words. But somehow, it has lifted a weight.... this veil covering my heart and shielding it from rejection. A veil meant to shelter me from hurt but ultimately preventing me from receiving the good as well.

It gives me hope that I can completely free my heart from the anger and bitterness that has taken root over the years because of that deep feeling of rejection. I can release it to God and bask in his love for me!

Father God, thank you so much for this wonderful gift.... this gift of your love being poured out on me! I want to bask in it forever, soaking up its healing power and strength. I ask that you reach out to everyone reading this and touch them with your love. Open their hearts to receive you so that they, too, can learn to rest in the Father's love. Give me the wisdom and strength to be an encouragement to my family as they, too, learn to rest in your love for them. I love you. Amen.

Letting Go of Labels

2009-02-09T09:26:00.003-07:00

For years I have been living under various labels... some given to me and some self imposed. But this weekend, I realized the labels that I have allowed to control my life and determine my self image/value have always been negative ones.

I'm a perfectionist, a control freak.
I'm an addict, out of control and/or fat.
I'm unhealthy and codependent.
I'm depressed and wounded.
I am a slob and unable to keep my house clean.
I am lazy and selfish.
I'm this... or that.... It doesn't really matter what I fill in the blank with.

I have some dear friends (and you know who you are....) who have called me on this on several occasions. They gently, but lovingly remind me that I am not whatever label I have given myself. They remind me that I need to let go of that label instead of claiming it.

"Kim," they would say, "You are not codependent! That isn't WHO you are. It is a problem God has brought you out of, and you really need to stop claiming that!"

Of course I often listen and apply it to that particular occasion. But I had never connected it to the bigger picture... the pattern I have been living in. I somehow hadn't realized with complete comprehension that it isn't something I do here or there.... it is reoccurring over and over in different aspects of my life. It was said this weekend by our guest speaker at the retreat that "there is a greater reality than our limited perceptions." And this is exactly the reason a recent acquaintance said to me that "I am healthier than I give myself credit for".

So this weekend, GOD has called me on it! He has shown me how I have continually clung to the negative labels. Through the words of our guest speaker, God has given me the only lable I have ever needed or will ever need again...

I AM THE DAUGHTER OF THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE! (that makes me a princess, by the way.... just as every single one of His children is a prince or a princess!)

Wow! Imagine the strength and power of that statement if we really believe it and apply it to our lives!

We are children of God. Our purpose in this life is to serve and love our Lord, and this is what we need to cling to. This is what should define us. Not our successes or failures. Not our jobs or titles or accomplishments. We are treasured by God because He loves us. And we are free by God's grace to be anything and everything He has called and created us to be!

How amazing!

Lord God, thank you for this amazing word in my life this weekend. Please forgive me for clinging to titles and accomplishments (or lack thereof) to define who I am. Lord, I lay all the labels down before you at the cross. I give them up to you, Lord God, and instead choose to define myself with your label.... Daughter of the King! I love you! Amen.

Something So Obvious!

2009-02-06T10:41:00.002-07:00

Have you ever known something about yourself for a long time, at least on the surface... yet find yourself so suddenly amazed at the truth behind it?

I have always known that I fear rejection. To be honest, I think almost everyone does on some level.

But I am talking about a fear so ingrained that it literally controls you and changes who you are and how you respond to God and the world. I did not realize how deep it is, how much of a root it is to the strongholds of my life. I didn't realize that it is this fear of rejection, stemming from my very early childhood-even before I was born, that has completely shaped my self esteem, my relationships, my attitudes, my anger and bitterness, my judgmentalness, and my social anxieties and people pleasing problems. In a nut-shell.... all of the codependent behaviors, anxieties, addictions, and depression in my life is based a great deal on my fear of rejection.

It makes sense to me now, all those years of hiding.... wanting to blend in or be invisible. I didn't talk to people unless they talked to me. I was filled with so much anxiety in social situations that I kept people at a distance, rarely letting anyone in to see the real me. I didn't even want to know for most of my life who I even was, maybe afraid that I'd even reject myself. My whole life I would say, do, or be what other people wanted so they would not reject me outright, all the while almost never receiving the love and acceptance I so disparately wanted.

It also makes sense why I spent so many years numbing myself with television and food. They were my friends. They would NEVER reject me. They brought me comfort and companionship when I thought I was unworthy to deserve that from legitimate sources. They dulled my pain so I wouldn't have to live in reality for face the fact that I had difficult things to deal with.

And then here is the truly ironic part of it all, and I know all of you fellow food abusers will understand me here..... the exact thing I was using for comfort was also driving me further into my world of rejection, a sort of self-sabotage. Heavy people are not popular or looked at by the world with respect and love. They are condemned for being fat and out of control. "We don't have will power or we must be ignorant for living in our unhealthy lifestyles." I think very few people stop to realize that someone who is obese (and I was there at 243 pounds) is a person who is really hurting deep down inside. And I think way too often they are in many ways only surviving and not really living.... at least that was where I was.

Even after I became a believer in Jesus, it still took me a very long time to start living and stop "surviving". Looking back, I can see that it took me a very long time to believe that God would not reject me. God loved me no matter what, even at 243 pounds. Of course He wants to heal me and help me move towards a healthy weight and a healthy life... but along that journey (and even if we never end up setting foot on that journey), He will ALWAYS love us. No Matter What!!!

Lord God, thank you for saving me. Thank you for opening my eyes to the roots so that I can be free from them. Thank you for all the work you have already done in me, freeing me from addictions, codependent relationships, social anxieties and depression. Lord, you have broken my heart for the heavy.... the heavy in weight and in spirit. My heart cries out for those who are stuffing their pain with food, like I once did.... and I cry out for them that you would bring them release and healing, strength to face their pain and release it to you, Lord God. I love you. Amen.

The Food Addict in Reverse?

2009-02-04T13:19:00.002-07:00

20 months ago I embarked on a journey called Thin Within. A support group was started in my church, and we met for about 8 months. I was the "success story" of that group, losing 40 pounds in that period of time. But more importantly, I was well on my way to the real journey of healing.... a journey leading to Jesus himself.

Unfortunately, the group withered and eventually ended, but I continued on my journey. I have battled losing and gaining the same 8 pounds ever since the group ended... but I continued working through, as best I could, my issues that were causing me to turn to food.

Once arriving here in New Mexico, I had no support system, and definitely no Thin Within support group. I began to fall away a bit as I struggled adjusting to a new place. But now I am back on track, and so grateful that my former group leader is now my "desert buddy". We are out in this wilderness together, supporting each other and talking weekly as we work through our issues (many are the same for both of us).

This past week has been very challenging for me as God is really bringing up some deep roots. I am discovering strongholds in my life and the roots to those strongholds. I am trying to walk through releasing this deep, deep inner junk to my Lord and break free.

As a result, I am experiencing much opposition and warfare. I have sliced up my thumb, experienced a good depression spell sending my hubby into a bit of a tizzy, had problems with our van starting that come and go at seemly random and inconvenient times, the toilet flooded the bathroom one instant but then was just fine the next, oh and we can't forget the mice! I also have been fighting migraines... and this is just been the last week and a half!

I am also getting ready to go on a women's retreat at our church.... a retreat that I expect will really bring about something awesome in my life. So unfortunately, I am expecting the warfare to continue. I just remind myself whenever it seems that I am under attack, that means I am on the right track and making incredible progress for God.

Usually, as a recovering food addict, anything emotional or stressful sends me running for food. I admit that when Paul was on his retreat last month, I had a lot of trouble with food and television. I am used to him being gone, he is in the Navy afterall. But he has been here every day for over 5 months, and I have become quite used to it. But having him leave sent me back in that old pattern of numbing myself through the time to try to make it go faster. (Doesn't work, by the way!)

But a funny thing has happened to me this week. Amist all the stress and mental and emotional turmoil, I have not wanted to turn to food. In fact, the exact opposite has plagued me. I have not wanted to eat. By the time Paul arrived home around lunchtime on Saturday, I was not only depressed but also becoming physically ill because I had not eaten anything. Between the emotions and the bottoming sugar levels, I was not really even able to talk to him (thus sending him into a tizzy... he doesn't like it when I can't/won't talk to him and am not acting like myself cause he doesn't know how to help me).

With my migraines and revelations these past couple of days, I have had to focus on making myself eat so that I do not make myself ill. I normally don't have too much trouble with my blood sugar, but not eating or drinking anything for longer periods of time will mess anyone up.

But who would of guessed? A food addict who doesn't want to eat? Hmmmm...

Lord Jesus, thank you for being right here beside me for every step of this journey. Thank you for your comfort and understanding, as you know exactly what it means to suffer. Thank you that food has not had a huge pull on me this week, but I ask that you protect me from the pendulum swinging the opposite way.... for not eating is just as unhealthy and dysfunctional as eating too much. Help keep me balanced as I continue to move forward in you. I love you. Amen.

My Confession of Bitterness...

2009-02-02T13:12:00.002-07:00

This week I have had a major breakthrough in my journey of healing. I am getting to the root, and the Lord is showing me things I need to face to find the healing I am striving for. Once again I have looked at "symptoms", not quite seeing how they all work together.

I have been a professional number (numb-er... as in to numb myself. Just had to throw that in cause it looked like number, as in a numeral) ...for the first 34 years of my life, but I have completely abandoned that profession (so to speak) this year. Ok, I haven't completely abandoned the behavior (still walking that one out each and every day), but I have given up the title.

I am not numbing myself with drugs (antidepressants) or addictions (food, tv, etc.), so that leaves me with a choice every time I begin to feel the pain I have been running from.... because stuff comes to the surface when you are feeling everything. I can choose to move forward and ask God to show me what I'm dealing with so He can walk me through it and heal me, or I can return to my numbing ways and avoid it.

Of course I do not want to move backwards, so in that sense it is not a choice at all.... I have to choose to move forward. So I have been learning to grieve things in my past that I had no control over... things that hurt and damaged me. I have had to start facing anger that sits under the surface mocking me.... this anger I have been so afraid of for so long. I have been trying to figure out how to let go and forgive. All these things I have looked at, one at a time as they have come up.... not seeing the bigger picture.

I grew up with a controlling and critical mother. She was not a nurturing person by nature, and her dysfunctional upbringing did not prepare her to be the loving mother of three babies in three years time. I know in my heart that she did the best she knew how. And she loved us as much as she knew how. But we three kids grew up without a lot of what we needed to live emotionally stable and healthy lives.

As different events happened in my life, as hurtful situations happened and hurtful words were said... they were filed deep inside because I could not handle dealing with them. I did not recognize or process anything through the years, and now I am left with 34 years of hurts and memories.

I have tried to forgive, but as each new memory comes, I feel the pain again and again. But worse than that, I have allowed years of repressed anger to fester. This festering anger has turned into a huge amount of bitterness in my heart. And this bitterness is keeping me in a place where I cannot move forward.

I knew I was angry. I have been angry with my mother on and off for 10 years. But I had not realized how avoiding that anger has allowed it to turn into something even uglier. Years of judgment and resentment have cascaded into a bitterness so strong that it has completely hardened my heart. It is a horrible thing to admit, but right now this bitterness is so strong that it has almost completely blocked off all feelings of love and good will. I want to love my mother. I want to show her the love of Jesus through me. But right now I am so shut down that I cannot even imagine a day when that can happen.

I recently posted about my confession of judgment and how I have clung to my judgments rather than to move forward. I did not realize then how it is being completely fueled by my bitterness.

At an alter call yesterday, my pastor encouraged anyone needing to let go of "bad grief" (the kind we cling to to look back and scorn and criticize- to allow us to harbor resentments) to come lay it at the alter and ask Jesus to help let it go. Because as long as we hold onto it, we will not move forward... it will continue to hold us back.

So I knelt at the alter, and I cried out to the Lord.... "Why can I not let her go? Why can I not forgive her?". And the Lord showed me the bitterness in my heart. He showed me that until I release the bitterness to Him, my heart will remain cold and hard. I have to let it go to Him. I have to surrender my mother and my judgments to Him. I have to forgive to release my heart from this stone prison.

Today I printed out and read some notes from a conference a friend of mine had attended at her church. (She had emailed them to me Saturday evening but I had not had the opportunity to read them until today.) One of the topics was on strongholds. A stronghold is like a prison in our lives that Satan uses to keep us from God. They come about when we hand over ground to the enemy of our souls... allowing him the access he needs that binds us..... through lies, doubt, temptation, and sin. And the longer we allow access, the stronger that stronghold gets in our life. Then it listed three main areas that gives Satan ground; bitterness, greed (idolatry), and immorality.

DING, DING, DING! The bells are ringing now!

Before I became a Christian, there was definitely immorality prevailing in my life. But after coming to the Lord, He changed my heart in many areas. I repented of my past and now live my life for the Lord.

Since beginning on this journey of healing, I have come face to face with my addictions (idolatries), and again the Lord has been changing my heart. I have been learning to turn to Him, not to things of this world to satisfy my needs.

But bitterness..... here is ground that I have not turned over to God. I have wanted to, but I have not been able to let go. They call it a stronghold for a reason! And in the notes, it refers to how God gives bitter people over to tormentors to afflict our souls. These tormentors can include: fears, doubt, anxiety, uncontrolled anger, eating disorders, depression....

Hmmm? Sound familiar? These are all "symptoms" I have been battling. But they aren't really individual problems to conquer.... the root cause of all these things is a stronghold. And right now, that stronghold is bitterness.

Here are two passages I found in the Bible referring to bitterness (I added the italics and bold print for emphasis)...

Hebrews 12:14-16 (New Living Translation)

A Call to Listen to God

14 Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. 15 Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. 16 Make sure that no one is immoral or godless like Esau, who traded his birthright as the firstborn son for a single meal.

Ephesians 4:30-32 (New Living Translation)

30 And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Here the Bible refers to bitterness as "poisonous". I just read an article that called bitterness "cancer of the soul". The Lord wants us to #1... PREVENT bitterness from taking root in our lives.... we do this by not harboring anger, by resolving conflicts and processing our crap as it comes up. I experienced a situation last year that was very difficult for me to go through, and a friend warned me to not allow bitterness to take root in the situation. I took that to heart, and although it took me many months to resolve my feeling in that situation, I did not allow my anger to turn to bitterness.

But what happens when the anger has been denied so long that it is already bitterness by the time you deal with it? That's were the #2 comes in... the Lord wants us to get rid of the bitterness! And of course the rage, anger, harsh words and slander... because that's what leads to the bitterness. As long as we continue to dwell on the anger and speak in harsh words, it will continue to fester that anger until bitterness is the result.

In my reading today on bitterness, it was stated that "the irony of bitterness is that it ties us emotionally to the person we are bitter toward". How true that is. I have been trying to separate myself from the dysfunction of my relationship with my mother... to process the pain and grief and move forward and heal, to figure out who I am outside of who she wants me to be (after years of trying to be who she wanted).... but instead I am completely drawn back to the pain and dysfunction... I cannot break free. I couldn't see before now that my inability and unwillingness to forgive her is what is binding me to her. The bitterness has been eating me alive, and I could not see that I have to let it go, or else I am letting it grow.

And the absolute worse thing about bitterness is that it can build a wall between you and God... it can prevent you from feeling God's love. It can drive God's grace from your heart. It is the "soul cancer" that can kill our souls just as cancer kills our physical bodies. The article talked about how God's grace and our bitterness cannot live in the same heart. Either God's grace will push out the bitterness, or our bitterness will push out God's grace.

I think I prefer God's grace!

Lord God, thank you for the painful truths you have brought into my life this week. I will rest in your courage and strength as I ask you to search my heart and show me what you want me to change... what you want me to let go of. Lord, take this bitterness from me, I give it to you. Help me walk through this process... to let go of it all and release it to you... to give forgiveness so that I may find my freedom in you! Soften my heart and fill me with your peace and comfort, Lord God. I love you. Amen.

My Finger Woes....

2009-01-29T16:03:00.002-07:00

... or should I say, my thumb!
CAUTION.....graphic content... if you get whoozy hearing about bloody medical problems, you may not wish to continue reading.

So....Last night I was using a very sharp serrated knife to level a still somewhat frozen cake. Usually I level a cake before freezing, but as you may remember from my last post, the afore mentioned mouse in my kitchen caused the sudden need for cakes to be placed in safe and secure places... like the freezer.

Well, before I knew what had happened, the sharp knife slipped somewhat and went flying up through the cake and right through my left thumb. I calmly called out to my husband that I had cut myself, and badly. We wrapped the thumb and headed off to the post clinic. Did I mention it was already pushing 9 p.m. and after the time he wanted to head to bed cause he had to be at work at 5 a.m. this morning?

So we head into the clinic, and a young soldier greets me with a, "Hi, what can we help you with this evening?" I announce my folly of trying to hack off the end of my thumb while trying to decorating a cake. The second guy says, "Cool, can I see it?" while the first asked me if the cake won, to which I said, "No, the knife did!" It was all quite the humorous start to an unpleasant evening.

I could tell that this clinic is not used to much evening emergency action. Although everyone was very nice and friendly, there seemed to be a bit of bumbling around. It actually took them quite awhile to figure out what even to do with my thumb.... stitches, Dermabond, or even just wrapping it tightly without doing anything at all.

It was decided to try the Dermabond, and they numbed the thumb so they could really move it around to see what was going on. Then it was determined that I had sliced through a chunk of nail, so that was removed. After that, they could not get the bleeding to stop and didn't think the glue method was going to work. But with the nail gone, there was a place (and room) to stitch.... so two stitches I got.

And a tetanus shot. YUCK! I thought they were good for 10 years.... but apparently the military clinic will give one to you if it has been more than five years since the last. And since it has been six years and one month, my file was red flagged to receive one. Of course I got that on the opposite arm as my hurt hand, so I was hurting on both sides. Made sleeping last night a little challenging.

Now my thumb is all wrapped up with bandages and a "gingerbread man", which is a five pronged, cushioned metal thingy that surrounds and protects my thumb, and it kind of looks like a blue gingerbread man hugging my thumb. I have to wear it for three days, and keep it completely dry for a week until I go in to have the stitches removed. When the wrapping comes off I will have some exposed nail bed, which I have been told will be the most unpleasant part of the experience/recovery. It has been throbbing a bit, but mostly it isn't too bad.

I got praises all around for being "such a trooper".... I guess some big guy had been in a week or so before me with basically the same procedure, and he did not remain so calm and put together. I just told them I try to keep things in perspective. If I can give birth to three children, the first an emergency c-section and the second a 9 pounder with an unmedicated VBAC (vaginal birth after C-section).... then I think I can handle some needles in my thumb... and arm. Yes it was unpleasant. Yes, it hurt. But it compared to childbirth and surgery? Not so much.

I am thankful that no greater damage was done... although I currently have a wrinkle on the end of my thumb.... the gal said to me, "you know how sometimes when you sew fabric together you get a little bit of a wrinkle at the bottom?" So you can guess the rest on that one. But the thumb will be fine, and may not even have much of a scar. And the nail will grow back eventually. I will have to be really careful in the bath for a few days. Paul will have to help me wash my hair in the kitchen sink. The girls will have to take over all the dish duties, and some of the cooking this week. And I get to take it a little easy.

But most of all, I am thankful this was a cake for Paul's work, and NOT for Picnic in the Park (where I make cake for 250 people). That would not have been good.

A friend of mine does a weekly post she calls "Not Me Monday" where she writes of all the things she "doesn't" do..... a confession of sorts. Personally, I have never felt the urging to post these myself. I often just fess up to said stupidities (such as in this post) with a, "Yup, I did it!" but I have decided this experience would be hilarious in a short UNofficial version of "Not ME".... so here goes.

It was NOT ME who was not paying atention while using a sharp knife. And of course I NEVER try to level frozen cakes because I am too smart for that. (And It was NOT ME who was so terrified of that little mousey that caused all this trouble to begin with!!!) And it was definitely NOT ME who then hacked the end of her thumb and part of her nail.

And it was certainly NOT ME who walked in my door and then picked up the same said sharp knife to finish leveling the cake that sat unattended on my counter while working around a hugely bandaged thumb. Of course I would NEVER chance cutting another finger off.

I know... pretty dumb, but quite funny! I hope the guys at the Desert Ship enjoyed the cake. Chocolate cake, plain white frosting. In fact, it was the worst looking cake I have made since I started decorating.... but I'm sure it tasted good.

Dear Lord, thank you for protecting me from further hurts and giving me strength through this experience. Thank you for a wonderful and supportive husband who loves me more than sleep. Help my thumb heal quickly, and help me be able to release control of my kitchen and get some extra rest. I love you. Amen.

My Confession of FEAR...

2009-01-28T10:27:00.002-07:00

Supposedly, the Bible says "do not fear" 365 times in the Bible. I tried to look them all up once, to see how many there were.... but alas that project never came to fruition.

But it is clear that over and over again the Lord tells us "do not fear"..... and I cannot help but wonder how we are supposed to do this (how I am supposed to do this) when I have a MOUSE crawling across my floor. AND IN MY BEDROOM!!!

I may have traumatized my teenager a bit as I hovered practically on top of her on the couch while crying uncontrollably. She's never seen this side of her mother before. But the fact is, I have an irrational fear of mice and rats that I had hoped I would never come face to face with. I had hoped and prayed I would never have to face the dilemma of "how to get rid of that mouse in your house", because I had always hoped to never see one.

Well, having that hope squashed, and spending an hour and a half in the fetal position crying on my couch because there was a rodent in my bedroom (and the living room, and the laundry room, and the kitchen...while I was in the kitchen, that little sucker went everywhere)... I began to feel a bit silly and ashamed for how badly and childishly I reacted. Coming to New Mexico, I thought my biggest fear would be the tarantulas.... but I stood a foot away from two different huge, black fuzzy spiders without freaking out at all. Nope, it was the mouse that completely unglued me.

My husband was quite sweet about it and chose NOT to make fun of me (smart fellow, that one). But he did ask me why I was so terrified. I said I guess it goes back to my elementary school days when they brought the whole school into the gym to watch this terrifying movie about how dangerous and deadly mice and rats are because of all the diseases they carry. I determined on that day walking home that I never wanted to encounter one. I guess you could say that school assembly scarred me for life.

So my sweet husband started researching about mice, and he has assured me that we have a pretty typical (but harmless) house mouse that is not disease infested. I guess knowing this has helped because the next afternoon when my mother-in-law announced, "Paul, there's a mouse under your couch... I just saw it crawl under there.".... I did not totally freak out. I shuddered a bit, and I left the room cause I did not want to see it again.

So Paul and his dad closed the pocket doors to keep it in that part of the house so they could try to find it. No such luck. It was MIA, at least for the moment. It was found a few hours later as Nikki came out into the kitchen to announce it had joined her in her room, presently residing under her bed. Although not completely freaked out like her mom (she was amazingly calm about the whole situation!!!), she did not like the thought of having said mouse under her bed.

So Paul and Tricia went off to get rid of the mouse. Nikki's room has a door that leads outside to the back patio, so they were able to close her bedroom door, open the outer door, jump on the bed while making all kinds of racket, and then ultimately chase the little critter outside. Of course there is no guarantee that it will remain outside. It did find it's way here in the first place. But I am happy to report that although our traps remain empty, I haven't seen any sign of mice. Regardless, Paul put us on the housing list for pest control.

So I am left to learn to turn this fear over to God, to let him comfort me when I feel terrified of this situation.... oh yeah, and to ignore the few who have thought it fun to tease me by reminding me that I am "so much bigger than a mouse... and shouldn't the mouse be more afraid of me, the giant, than I should be of it?.... blah, blah, blah".

Lord God, fill me with your peace, strength, and courage when I face things that terrify me... even mice in my house. Remind me that you are so much bigger than any fear I have. You are the ultimate comforter. I love you. Amen.

By the way.... for those who have known me a long time.... the complete irony of this situation is that in the last 2o years of my life, I have COLLECTED mice. Mouse stuffed animals. Mouse ornaments. Mouse statues and figurines. Anything cute and mousey..... JUST NOT THE REAL ONES!

My Confession of Obsession

2009-01-16T08:36:00.002-07:00

I have an unhealthy relationship.... with my bathroom scale. A day doesn't go by without my stepping on the thing several times, usually two or three times in a row. Each morning I wake up. Each time I take a shower after working out. Each evening before I go to bed.

Thin Within (a grace oriented approach to weight loss) will tell you to abandon your scale, only checking your weight occasionally. We know when weight is dropping by the feel and fit of our clothes. The author talks about how easy it is to use what number we see on the screen to affect our process of turning to God to heal us and allowing Him to bring us to our God given size. If our weight goes down, we may be tempted to "celebrate" by eating something. If it goes up, we may get frustrated and angry with ourselves, and eat something to make ourselves feel better.

Now I assert that these have not been problems for me. I have not celebrated decreasing numbers with food, nor have I eaten just because the numbers went up or stayed the same for long periods of time.

But I do admit that my scale has a pull on me so strong that I am now acknowledging that it borders on obsession. I have used it as an excuse to make sure that I am not getting off track and gaining too much. If the numbers go up, then knowing that will help me know to refocus. But if I am honest with myself, my clothes tell me without even seeing the numbers when I am heading in the wrong direction.

And now I am beginning to realize that maybe this is that one final step to complete surrender that has been holding me back. Because if I am always checking to see what my "progress" is.... than in those moments I am choosing to focus on my performance rather than my Lord's provision. I am thinking about ways "I can do better" rather than focusing on surrendering to the Lord.

My ultimate goal in this journey should be seeking God and His healing and growing in relationship with Him. Becoming my God-given size should be the joyous side effect of this.... not the destination of the journey. But each time I obsessively step on my scale, I am making my weight the destination, not God.

So this morning I got up, and while in my bathroom I ignored my scale. Let me tell you, that was not easy. I also did not weigh myself at all yesterday. I am realizing that it has been something I have "needed", and not in a healthy way but an idolatrous one. So the scale obsession must go. I know it will probably take me awhile before I don't hunger for those numbers.... staring at the scale like I used to at chocolate.... when choosing to walk away leaves you craving for the very thing you are denying yourself.

Ideally, I would like to reach my mind's idea of my weight goal.... about another 20 to 30 pounds. This places me right in the middle of my healthy weight range where I will no longer be characterized as overweight (I am only about 11 pounds away from no longer being considered overweight for my height).

However, more importantly I want to grow in my relationship with the Lord, allowing Him to heal me and make me healthy so that I can do His Kingdom's work that He calls me to do. I have tried to keep my focus on that goal.... not on how much weight I have or will lose. But it is difficult to NOT focus on weight, especially when I am worshipping my scale instead of my God.

Lord God, thank you so much for your grace and provision. Thank you for revelation You give to Your children when they are following the wrong paths. Lord, I surrender my scale to You. Forgive me for turning to my scale before You, and I now surrender it to You. Fill me with Your peace and comfort that I will never be able to find in the number I have allowed to define my identity. Let me find my identity in You instead. I love you. Amen.

My Confession of Judgement

2009-01-13T15:04:00.002-07:00

I had a very interesting conversation with a new friend today.

I walked by her house to thank her for her compassion that she had shown me during a meeting last week. I was upset but didn't want to talk about it there, and she apologized if she said anything to bring something up, and assured me with her words and actions that it was ok to not talk about it. Then she said something funny to make me laugh and put me at ease before the rest of the ladies joined us at the table where we were sitting. I felt the love and compassion in her gesture, and it touched my heart.

So I stopped by to thank her, and she invited me in for a chat. I then spent the next two and a half hours opening my heart to this new friend, this woman of God. She listened. She restated what she heard me saying. She encouraged me and opened my mind. I hadn't realized how much I was missing this sort of interaction.

As she sat there giving me hard truths to swallow.... accurate assessments of some of the things I was saying where I needed to change my thought patterns and attitudes, I looked at her with a very grumpy face. I really wasn't liking some of the things she was bold enough to tell me. I wasn't liking them because she was speaking truth that until now I wasn't wanting to hear.

I could feel the grumpy demeanor on my face and announced that I was not giving her that face because I was objecting to or not hearing or agreeing with what she was saying. I was giving the grumpy face because I was having to admit the truth behind her words.... truth that would cause me to reevaluate myself and make changes for the better. (She then told me she recognized the face for what it was... cause she, too, gets that same grumpy face).

As I listened to her tell me what she was hearing me say... (I was basically conveying the same message over and over in many different ways), I began to hear myself in ways I haven't before. I have had other friends, one in particular, who is quite good at this. I am just rambling on trying to figure out what is going on in me, but she could hear what lies beneath.... the message that comes out time and again that I was unaware of. She could connect the dots I couldn't see. But as I listened to her say "What I hear you saying is......", I was beginning to see those dots. And I have to admit that I did not like what I was seeing.

I have a judgment problem. I grew up in a very critical and judgmental home, and this way of thinking is so ingrained in me that it is second nature. But the Bible tells us to judge not lest we ourselves be judged. I try so hard not to judge people, but particularly in situations where I have been hurt or offended, this has been almost impossible for me to do. I may not necessarily act upon said judgments, or speak them.... but it is a sin in my life that I not only have little control over, but one I have not truly acknowleged, repented of, or turned over to God.

Case in point, the mother that came stomping over to my house when my son lost his temper and hit her child. I judged her harshly and want to keep my distance at all costs.... and there is no love for her whom I have set a grudge against in my heart. This is definitely NOT Jesus in me... this lack of love for what one might consider an "enemy".

I also know that I have harshly judged my family. I have not loved and accepted them for who they are. Instead I cling to our dysfunction that I so desparately want to be freed of.... and I use that judgement and the excuse of abandoning all dysfunction to stay as far away as I can. But if I am really honest with myself. This is not loving them or accepting them for who they are. And it is not showing them the love of Jesus either.

But dealing with my past is painful. The dysfunction is painful. Loving them is painful. So I have clung to my sinful judgment instead of working through my pain. And as I see it.... where judgment begins pride soon follows.

And I am now realizing that I have to take the same steps to conquer these sins as I have taken in my sin of overeating. I have to acknowledge the problem. I struggle with being prideful and judgmental of others. I have to repent. Lord, please forgive me for these sins. And I have to SURRENDER them to the Lord. Lord Jesus, please help me let go to love other people without judgment and criticism. Heal my heart, Lord God.

I walked away from my encounter this morning with wonderful encouragement.... and words of wisdom. My new friend told me today that I am way healthier than I am giving myself credit for, and I am holding on to a lot of garbage that I need to get rid of so that I can step completely out and be me. She also told me that when I can completely love myself, exactly who I am, faults and all.... that freedom will help me to love others the way Jesus desires me to.

So I guess it's time to take out the trash!

Lord God, thank you for placing someone here in my life in New Mexico that I was able to be real and honest with.... someone who was able to be real and honest with me. Please help me let go of this judgmentalness that has plagued me my whole life. I surrender it all to you Lord God. Fill my heart with your spirit and for your love towards all people. Give me guidance and direction to help me sort through my pain and emotions, and help me let go once and for all of all this junk that is bogging me down. I love you. Amen.

Sad Day

2009-01-06T21:50:00.002-07:00

I am having a sad day. I am grieving the loss of a friendship that meant very much to me. For months I have been trying to hide from grieving any of the lost or damaged relationships in my life. It has seemed easier to just push it all away and pretend it isn't real. But I live in the world of reality now. And I am trying to walk in it each day. And part of reality is feeling. And today I am feeling sad.

In reality. I am mourning the loss of two special women in my life (and their beautiful children that had come to mean so much to me). The first friendship I laid at the feet of Jesus. I must admit that in the aftermath, my human self did not handle the situation in the best way possible as I was barely surviving through that time. A lot of pain resulted, and I do not know if this friendship will be able to be repaired to begin anew sometime in the future. I pray that the Lord will be able to heal us both and repair the damage done. But only time will tell.

The second friendship, at least at the moment, seems to be a casualty of circumstance. I moved 2000 miles away. I love this dear friend so much, and I know she feels the same. But somehow, the sudden void of each in the other's life has been harder on each of us than we probably ever imagined. Kinda like that old saying, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone!"

We didn't really have a phone relationship/friendship in Virginia. We almost always interacted face to face..... and I have not made the transition well from close to long-distance friend. I have not been good about keeping in touch for a few reasons. For starters it seems her life is so chaotic with little ones that I am afraid to disturb her schedule.... along with a time change that seems to mess me up on good times to call.

But if I am really honest, I miss her presence so much that it hurts. I read her blog daily, hungry to know what is going on in her life. But trying to call is painful because it just reminds me that I cannot go see her whenever I want. We cannot hang out and eat Chinese food together and have wonderful conversations. I can't cry on her shoulder when I am having an absolutely horrible day, nor can I do anything to help her when she's having a hard time. And as she is a military wife who does not have a heart for settling in Virginia, I fear that by the time we make it back that way, she'll be gone. I wonder to myself if she will ever be a physical presence in my life again, and that thought makes me want to cry.

I haven't called because I haven't wanted to face the pain I feel.... like somehow talking to her will make me hurt more. Of course in reality this is nonsense. I was elated the one conversation we did have. I was so excited to hear from her and talk to her. But then time passes, and life goes on and the sadness continues. Then the guilt sets in because you can't help but think that a real friend would be calling. A good friend wouldn't just be silent for so long. And a whole new level of hurt and sadness settles in. And then paranoia.

See, my friend, she hasn't seemed to be able to call me either. And sometimes I can't help but wonder if I have done something wrong. Have I upset her? Is she mad that I haven't called? Is she not calling because she just doesn't want to talk to me anymore? I worry that I was too selfish at the end.... focusing too much on my own problems and being more of a burden than a friend.

But besides the fact that her life is just crazy and overwhelming right now, I know in my heart that the reason she is not calling has nothing to do with her being angry or mad at me. I do not think that I have done anything wrong to cause her to not want to talk to me. I think she is just feeling the same pain and emptiness that my move has created in me. Maybe the void that I feel in my life by her absence is mirrored in her life by mine. Maybe it is just too hard for her to pick up the phone for exactly the same reason it has been so hard for me. Maybe she is feeling the same guilt I feel by not actively staying in touch.

I know each of us has long time-long distance friends we are still close to from our school days. So there really is no reason to believe that we can't remain friends forever, until the end of time. I just do not want to jeopardize our friendship by foolishly allowing undealt with emotions to cause us to grow apart, all because I didn't want to face my pain.

So now, almost five months after I tearfully said goodbye..... I think I am ready to be honest with myself and allow myself to grieve these circumstances that has put 2000 miles between myself and one of the best friends I have ever had..... and want to keep, even if it means forever by long-distance and telephone conversations.

Lord God, please heal my broken heart. Thank you that You are a comforting God. Bring Your comfort to me, as well as to my dear friend I have left behind. Help us mourn the loss of the physical friendship.... of being there for each other in person, and help us transition into this new role of long-distance friendship. Help us learn to be there for each other even at a distance of 2000 miles. And Lord God, I ask that in your timing you would heal and restore my other friendship. Bring comfort to her as well.... to ease the pain of the current situation. I love you. Amen.

Reflections from a Hungry Gal

2009-01-05T16:14:00.002-07:00

I am hungry. I fasted breakfast. I partook in a yummy lunch. But now it's been almost five hours and my stomach is beginning to yell out for food. Unfortunately, it will not be receiving any until morning as I am fasting the evening meal as well.

This week I committed myself to a weekly fast each Monday where I choose the meal to eat, and the two to miss. I am seeking God's nourishment in prayer as I pray for my friends and family and their struggles. I seek ultimately to find that God's provision is enough, even in times of fasting.

This morning I was uncertain how this fast would affect my walk, and which meal I should eat. I wanted to make sure that I had enough energy to do my now two and a half miles. I tried to walk a couple of weeks ago with an empty stomach, and I barely had enough energy to walk home from the campground, let alone walk the two miles I was then used to doing. So of course I was concerned this morning. But I drank a little orange juice, and I prayed asking God for His strength to get through my walk and my day.... because I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I was pleased to not only accomplish the six laps around my block (almost two and a half miles), but I also had plenty of energy left over to clean up my kitchen before making lunch for the family.

I read in my Bible, and did my once a week journal entry for a more in depth study into God's word. I enjoyed some time singing and playing on my guitar. And I continued my cleaning by taking down the Christmas decorations and sweeping/vacuuming the floors of the common areas of the house. Overall, it has been a good day.

But as I sit here with a growling tummy that is begging to be filled, I am realizing something quite important to my journey. I feel this physical hunger right now for food and nourishment... but what I really want to feel is a hunger for God. I want to hunger for HIS nourishment of my soul, and not just on the days that I am fasting. I want to feel a hunger so strong that I just simply cannot wait to open up His Word to see what He will show me next.

I already have found myself looking forward to my walks each morning because I venture out with headphones and an Ipod playing praise and worship music, and I am fellowshipping with my Lord as I walk those six laps around my block each morning. I sing my praises, and I lift up my thanksgiving. I cry out my fears and worries, and I try to listen for the comforting words I know He is speaking to me. I have found a treasure in my morning routine, but I am hoping through this fasting to find myself hungering for Jesus more and more.

Lord God, You are so faithful! Thank you that you are so much better than any food I could fill myself with this day. I lift up my loved ones who are struggling with eating... those who want to surrender it all to you but do not seem to know how. Give them the strength they need to get through their days and keep their eyes on you. Thank you for the physical and emotional strength you are giving me as I surrender to you, Lord. I love you! Amen.

My Confession of Pride

2008-12-31T15:23:00.002-07:00

As 2008 draws to an end, I cannot help but reflect on this year, the successes as well as the struggles. 2008 has been a very challenging and difficult year for me, with many changes and trials.

In 2007, I lost a great deal of weight... physically, mentally and emotionally. I began to really trust the Lord and let him move in my life. I not only survived, but flourished in the absence of my husband during his deployment. In many ways, I was a very changed woman when he returned last December.

This year began both a year of trials as well as a year of learning how to wait on the Lord. We waited for orders. We waited for a new vehicle. We waited to move, and to see where we would live when we got here. Waiting has never been easy for me, so I guess I needed to learn some patience in that area.

The trials began in January when I went off my medication and began feeling things really for the first time in my life. At the same time, I had some things in my life that were very important to me come to an end. It felt in some ways as if my world was falling apart all around me. But I journeyed on.

Over the next several months, I continued to face obstacles and learn more about myself and what lay beneath... and it was a difficult time of growing. But I was enjoying the freedom that came with conquering some of my hidden pain. But as far as my weight loss journey, it had pretty much come to a screeching halt after Paul came home.

Once we left Virginia for New Mexico, I began to feel very isolated and separated from the family I had built in Virginia. I didn't feel like I belonged there anymore... like I had lost everyone that mattered to me. Even though I knew they were only a phone call away, I could not bring myself to call anyone. It was painful to be without them.... and calling felt more like the pain would get worse, not better from the short interaction. This spurred on my self imposed isolation.

I wanted to hide. I began to run.... from my problems, from my journey, and even from God. I slipped back into many of those behaviors I had worked so hard to conquer. I wanted to numb myself to the pain I did not want to deal with. I was afraid to face my pain here in my desert.... because unlike Virginia, most of my support system was gone.

I have a wonderful husband who loves me to pieces.... and he will always give me his shoulder to cry on. He will always listen to me cry and wail and talk, but he usually doesn't know what to say after. He tries the best he can to give me the support I need, but often that is done by suggesting I call a particular person who has more knowledge and experience in what I am dealing with.

It has been scary to even think of delving in deep and facing things here like I had done in Virginia, because to be blatantly honest.... I have not had to rely on God alone. He had placed people in my life to help me through things because He knew at that time I needed them there. But now I am on to a new part of my journey.... a place where I need to completely trust and surrender to God without that extra security blanket, and I was not willing to go there.

So instead I tried numbing myself again. But unfortunately, it no longer works. I am no longer living in my former world of complete denial.... so those old patterns did not really bring me any relief whatsoever. But this time when I tried to break back out of them.... my plan of attack really wasn't such a good one at all.

In the process of running from God, I have pretty much forgotten the right heart attitude that helped me last year. Last year I surrendered to God. I wanted Him to change me, change my eating, heal my deep wounds inside. And He did miraculous things in me. But somehow I was beginning to forget that it was HIM, not me.... so I started off on my journey again, only this time trying to do things my way in my own strength.

I'm sure that I don't need to tell you that it has not worked out very well. I was blinded to the fact that it was my own pride that was really driving me... not a deep desire to move closer to Christ. I didn't want to regain the weight "I" worked so hard to lose. I didn't want to regress into behaviors "I" worked so hard to alleviate from my life. I began to condemn myself for how "I" was eating, what "I" was and was not doing right. I tried to take matters, and my health, into my own hands.

I heard God ask me to give up my pop (soda), so I did all the while acknowledging that my heart attitude was not quite where it needed to be. I started to exercise everyday. I was making commitments to improve my health, all with the basic goal of finishing the weight portion of my journey. I want to lose that last 30 pounds. I want to feel good about myself again. I want to stop creeping up to the point where my clothes are tight and uncomfortable... and the yoyoing that takes place after when I continually go up and down those same 5 pounds.

I determinedly worked hard to build healthy habits that would get me back on track. But it wasn't working. I wasn't losing weight. I wasn't feeling better about myself. I was feeling discouraged, and I wanted to quit. And I kept hearing the Lord tell me exactly why I was where I was. He said to surrender, and I could not. He reminded me that the reason I could eat only when I was hungry, why I could say no to food, why I dropped 40 pounds so easily, why I could face the hard painful things I needed to heal from.... was because my heart was surrendered to Him. But it hasn't been now. And I have known it. And still I hear "surrender" and I say no.

But I think I have come to a point where I do not want to keep saying no to God. I know his way is right. I know that He is not able to work in my life and use me like He wants to right now because I have been resisting him. I have been too wrapped up in my own pride to truly give myself to Him.

I have begun to read my Thin Within books again. This is the grace oriented approach to weight loss that really focuses on such simple principles. First, God loves me just how I am. Nothing I do will change that. Second, He wants to heal me while I grow closer and closer in relationship to him. And third, it is hurt in my heart, not the food that I eat that drives my addiction. If I do not face what is inside of me, I will not conquer my eating addiction, no matter how hard I try. And I cannot heal from my pain inside until I have surrendered it to God and allow Him to do all the work.

I know these are truths, because I lived it for almost a year. I surrendered my heart to God, and through my faith in Jesus, He did miracles in me.

And now he is showing me new truths... I have realized something important about the last five weeks of my life. All of my behavior, my choices to "improve my health...aka lose weight".... have been performance based. If I exercise everyday I will burn calories and fat. If I focus on eating smaller amounts, I will lose weight. If I chose to eat one food over another maybe it will help me to lose weight. Thin Within would call this legalistic.

As a friend of mine once said, if you are doing something because you think your salvation is at stake, that makes it legalistic. But if you are making healthy choices that involve adhering to a program (rules based on performance)because you want to be healthy and lose weight all the while knowing that it has nothing to do with your salvation, then that is NOT legalism. I have to say in that sense of the definition of legalism, she is absolutely right.

So I do not necessarily agree with Thin Within that it is legalism.... but the Lord showed me this morning that everything that I have been doing.... the choices that have been performance based... they are not about legalism. They are about CONTROL. I want to be in control of the situation. I think that is why diets are so popular.... it lets you be in control.... In control of what you eat, and when you eat, and how much you eat. It is a way to keep a sense of control while following a set of rules based on your performance, your ability to do what is good and right.

And control is the exact opposite of surrender. The Lord showed me that when I am trying to control my situation, I am acting out of my pride. And this is why all of my efforts have not worked. It is not the choices I have made (to eat right or exercise) that is wrong, it is my heart attitude in the way I accomplish them that has hindered my success.

So it brings me right back to what I have been hearing for weeks now..... SURRENDER. The Lord wants me to surrender everything to Him. Because when I do, He is free to work through me.

Lord God, I confess my sins of pride to you and anyone else who hears my plea. Forgive me for where I have gone wrong, and help me back onto the right path. Thank you for your patience and your faithfulness. Thank you for not giving up on me. I want to surrender everything to you, Lord God.... but I am afraid. Please comfort me in my fear and give me your strength to move forward. And thank you for reminding me that even though my support system is 2000 miles away, they are still there for me... just as you have been with me this whole time. I love you! Amen.

Happy Anniversary, My Love!

2008-12-30T09:17:00.002-07:00

Today is the fourteenth anniversary of the day I became Paul's bride.

Although we have had our ups and downs, our relationship has always been strong and close, and it never ceases to amaze me how God could have brought us together in such a powerful way! We have had so many cards stacked against us.... so many reasons why this relationship should have never worked.... and through it all, God has kept us together and strong, especially during all those years when really neither of us knew Him.

I love my wonderful husband, and all the ways he is perfect for me. I am grateful for him every day.

Happy Anniversary, My Love!

2009... The Year of the Bible

2008-12-30T09:07:00.002-07:00

Our church has declared 2009 as "The Year of the Bible". They have been selling Life Journals to be used on this journey through the Bible. And this coming Saturday, Paul and I will be attending the Pastor's seminar on how to understand and interpret the Bible.

I have found on my journey that those times when I am consistently in the Word, I am really moving forward and seeing God work in my life. But when I am not, I kind of fall into a rut. I am in that rut now.

But I have hope for this new year to come. I am looking forward to moving forward again towards building a life long relationship with God and His Word.

There was a woman who stood up Sunday to share the vision the Lord had given her the night before..... she said she wasn't going to get a life journal this year since she did it last year, but then she heard it was "the year of the Bible" and she changed her mind. Then the Lord gave her a vision and showed her that everyone who takes on the commitment this year.... who delves into the process of seeking and connecting with God through His Word..... they will have mighty blessings bestowed upon them this year. God wants to move in our lives in powerful ways... and He will if we let him. This is an encouragement to me.

I look forward to sharing with you all how God continues to change me on this journey I am on. Stay tuned....

My Confession of Vanity

2008-12-23T18:24:00.002-07:00

I am going to turn 35 in just a little over 3 1/2 months. I always imagined that this would be a difficult birthday, and I have to admit that I wonder where the time has gone. It seems like just yesterday I was approaching 30. And actually, it was my 29th birthday that was so hard to take, because that meant I was going to be 30 soon. By the time I did turn 30, I was kinda over it.

I feel comfortable in my own skin here in my 30's. And the big 3-5 isn't really affecting me all that much..... if only there didn't seem to be the ever increasing number of white wirey hairs sprouting out of my brunette head!

Each day I look in the mirror, grumble, and I admit it.... pluck out half a dozen to a dozen pure white hairs (leaving many more behind). Of course I know it does me no good.... they keep coming back. And I keep thinking about coloring my hair. But I know once I start, it is a long term commitment I am just not prepared to make.... yet.

So I started to think about this increased vanity that is creeping into my life... and my mirror. Why is it so important to me to NOT have gray hair? Is it our society's youth obsession rearing it's ugly head in my mirror each day? Or a continuing reminder that I am not in my 20's anymore? To be honest, I am happy about not being in my 20's anymore... but it does seem like the older I get, the more quickly time passes.

All my kids are now school age. My oldest will get her driver's permit in just a couple of months. This three year tour (already a third of the first year gone) will fly by... and then Nikki will almost be ready to graduate and start her adventure into the world of adulthood. I am sure that the four and seven years for the other two will quickly follow.

I feel like I'm right at the beginning of a new stage in life. I am not old yet.... but I am not that young either. Maybe becoming a mother so early has helped me grow up quicker, but in some ways I still feel way to young to be thinking about coloring my hair and taking children for driver's permits..... and plucking out gray hairs everyday.

And I find myself watching the older women at church.... the beautiful ladies in their 60's and 70's with their gray and silver hair. I guess in a way I admire them for being simply who they are, gray and all, not trying to hide their faded youth behind boxes of hair dye. I would like to be like them someday.... I am just having trouble translating that into my life right now. I keep telling myself that everyone grows older and their hair turns white.... that is how God designed me, so why should I have a problem with that? Then I reach for my tweezers.

What Is It About Those Christmas Cards?

2008-12-20T11:31:00.001-07:00

So, I want to apologize to all my friends out there that they just may NOT receive their Christmas card by Christmas.

Every year, I think about cards. Sometimes I even buy them. But most of the time they are never sent. This year i really wanted to send cards since it is our first year away from Virginia. I bought them, though probably not early enough. And it seemed to take forever to get them ready. It didn't help that I kept putting them down and not returning for days at end.

But I did finally get them done.... and in the mail...... yesterday at 4pm. Even though they were supposed to post mark yesterday because they were in before 4:30, who knows.

So Merry Christmas Everyone! If you do not get our greetings in time, you'll have something to look forward to after Christmas!

Love to all.... we miss you!
Kim

Small Victories

2008-12-09T15:52:00.001-07:00

I have been working hard now for about three and a half weeks to change some of my habits towards healthier goals. I gave up all sweet sugary drinks (except my one glass of mocha ice coffee a day). I have begun drinking water on a regular basis instead of replacing my pop with other high calorie options. I am walking on average 5 to 6 times each week on my goal of reaching 10,000 steps a day. (I have quickly learned that I will not be able to come even close to that goal without the daily walk.) And I am taking a harder look at how often I eat, how much, and when I am turning to food for comfort rather than hunger.

After three weeks, I would have expected some progress on my scale to encourage me onward... but alas, that has not happened. I continue to hover at right about the same number week in and week out. It may dip down, only to return to the previous level.

I am trying not to get discouraged. In fact, I am trying to focus on making healthy choices, not on weight loss. But this has been a bit challenging. For instance, I really love my pop (especially Mountain Dew), and when I work hard with no apparent results, it makes me want to say, "well if I'm not going to loose any weight, I might as well drink the pop!"

But I have ignored this voice. I know deep down that it is an unhealthy habit, and even if I never loose another single pound, I will be healthier for not picking the soda habit back up. And I know the exercise is good for me. I am only on my fourth week, but I am already seeing more energy in my day. And it is helping to prevent the "winter blues" and other depression related problems.

So instead of getting discouraged, I am choosing to look at all of my small victories of the past few weeks......

Each day I wake up, and I actually walk. I don't just think about walking. I don't promise myself that I'll walk tomorrow. I am walking.

I began with three laps around my block. This took me about 24 minutes to walk about 1.2 miles. Then I moved on to four laps around the block, increasing my numbers to 32 minutes and 1.6 miles (about 3600 steps). Today, I increased my walk to five laps, 40 minutes, 2 miles, and 4500 steps. (The walking goal for weight loss is 4000-6000 of your daily steps coming from a brisk exercise walking session..... and I have now entered this range!)

I finally was able to get my elliptical, though the power supply does not work.... so now I am waiting for another to arrive in the mail. I plan to continue my walking while I wait, as well as while I work myself up to the same ability on the machine as I have outside. Most likely I will alternate between the two, because I know my walks outside in the sunshine also help with any depression issues.

My goal is to get up to 6-7 laps around the block, but I am taking it slow. Today was my first day doing five, and I have been trying to add another lap every week or two. The weight loss session on my elliptical runs 56 minutes.... 4 minutes of warm-up, 48 minutes of low intensity exercise, and 4 minutes of cool down. I know it will take me awhile to be able to do all of that.

I feel proud of myself that I am setting realistic goals that I can succeed at. I don't want to get so anxious or gung-ho that I set myself up for failure. When I first got the pedometer, I thought I would really have to struggle to get up close to 10,000 steps a day, but with the daily walk I am averaging between 8,500 and 12,000. I think that is awesome for only three weeks in!

The harder part has been with food. I still am not eating any where near the quantities I used to, thus why I have been able to maintain my 65 pound weight loss. But I have been struggling here in New Mexico with comfort eating. And my portions have increased. So now I am trying to put less on my plate, and I have to relearn how to put my fork down when I am satisfied, even if I still have three or four bites left. Why is it so hard to say no to those last yummy bites?

I also have realized that as soon as I feel even the slightest stirring of hunger, I have given myself license to eat. But even though I am not eating large portions, I am still eating more than I need because I am not waiting until I am really hungry.

But this past week, there have been a couple of occasions where I have felt just a little bit hungry and all the voices in my head started screaming, "Yah! Let's eat!!!" but I didn't. Last night, instead of snacking before bed, I chose to not eat anything. Not a thing! Two hours later when I went to bed, I was not really any hungrier than when I decided not to eat, and I felt very good about myself for saying no to the food.

This morning I got up and ate breakfast with my wonderful husband around 8:30, after his PT but before he had to be at work for the day. Then I went on my 40 minute walk. When I returned, I was feeling a little hungry, and mentally I was really craving some sausage links. But it was only two hours after I had eaten, so I decided to wait a bit. Before I knew it, I got busy with some stuff and it was almost 1. Now I was really hungry, but if I had eaten before, I still would have eaten lunch about the same time, thus eating more food than I need.

The Bible says that we should worry about each day as it comes... don't worry about tomorrow for it will have it's own problems... just focus on today. I think that is working well for me right now with this journey as well. If I just focus on each small victory each day, then eventually they will all add up to one large victory down the road. But if I worry about tomorrow... if I fuss and fret about my weight and whether what I am doing today even matters down the road, then I am definitely not going to succeed.

And I know that the real secret to my success here will be when I am able to fully surrender this whole thing to God. I know I am not there yet, but each day I get a bit closer. I guess it is like surrendering in layers. Some levels are lifted and gone while others are still being worked on. But isn't that just the story of life?

Lord God, Thank you for all You are doing in me. Thank you for encouraging me and motivating me to make healthier choices in my life. Thank you for softening my heart towards surrender to You. Please continue to give me Your strength and motivation to continue on this journey. Give me the wisdom to see all my small victories rather than any sense of defeat that is not coming from You. Change my heart to be more like You each day. I love you! Amen.

Cake Opposition

2008-11-30T07:45:00.003-07:00

Today is Picnic in the Park.... and the beginning of my new cake ministry.

This month, though, I did not need to make a lot of cake because we will be serving a Thanksgiving meal with lots and lots of pie. So I made a few pumpkin pies, and about a quarter of the cake that is normally needed. I wanted to make sure there was at least a little, because there most likely will be some November birthdays to celebrate.

So my original intention was to bake on Friday, but that just did not happen. My husband and I got up a little after four to make the 40 minute trip into town for Black Friday shopping. Then I decided to cheat. And I decided if I was going to cheat, I was going to cheat big.

So after a week and a half of no caffeine, I got a VENTI mocha frappuccino. Probably not the best idea since it did indeed keep me up for the rest of the day. After getting the house clean for the impending arrival of the in-laws the next day, there was no energy left for baking.

When I got up yesterday morning, I decided to do the pies first. It took several hours to get all the homemade crust and pie filling done and baked into four pies (plus two miniture deep dish pies). I had problems with my oven not working right, so the first two pies took 2 hours.... just to get baked. And I had to bake in cycles cause everything wouldn't fit in my ovn at once.

I finally got around to the cake about 3pm. Originally I wanted to do a turkey cake, but now I just didn't have time because this one required shaping. So I decided instead to go for a three layer (6", 8", and 10") decorated in fall colors.

Nothing seemed to go right after I started to decorate. It took me forever to get the sides smooth. The accent color didn't seem to be quite right. The tip was not cooperating. When my first idea didn't work, I tried to blend the accent color in for a marble affect and that turned out so-so. The decorator bottle wasn't quite going right, and at one point the top popped off and squirted frosting out. (luckily I caught it in my hand before it went flying all over the cake.) And I threw my ice coffee all over the table.... and the cake. That cup just somehow just went soaring from my hands and crash landed on the table right next to the cake. An ice cube even landed on the cake, denting the frosting on one side. All night I just kept saying that this cake didn't like me.

This was not going as planned! I just turned in frustration to my husband and complained about all of my cake opposition. He just smiled and sweetly said I must be doing something right!

I guess it was just a good reminder that when God gives us kingdom work to do, and we set out to do it, we will have opposition to face. This day, it was in the form of sugar. Oh, and lots of butter.

Lord God, I thank you that you have given me this creative opportunity to serve you and the people you love. Give me strength each month to face whatever opposition comes my way. I love you. Amen.

P.S. ..... and Lord, PLEASE protect my cake and get it to the Picnic in one piece! Thank You!

10,000 Steps a Day

2008-11-25T14:31:00.002-07:00

Last week I bought a pedometer. I came home and looked up what the suggested number of steps we should take each day. The magic number seems to be 10,000.

I of course had no idea how many steps I take in a normal day. I would consider myself mildly active... at least a step or two above sedentary, but I am realistic and know I am not as active as I should be. So I have set out on this challenge.

One article I read said that the average sedentary person takes 1000-3000 steps each day. So I strapped on my dollar store pedometer on Monday to see where I ranked. I had a somewhat normal day of activity... housework, school with the kids. By 7pm I had only reached 2500 steps. This was a bit discouraging as this is the time of day I am ready to become a couch potato. But bound and determined not to be labeled "sedentary", I invited my family members for a walk around the block.

So we set off around our large block, and on the second round the kids decided to stay home and watch the stars while Paul and I took another lap. It was nice to have a little alone time with him that was not locked up in our bedroom. We had a nice chat on our brisk second pass. I ended my day at about 4200 steps, and I was pleased with that as a first day.

My second day I decided to take three laps around the block in the afternoon, and without any real effort I managed to get my meter up to 5900 steps. I was quite impressed with myself. The article had talked about trying to increase your steps 500 a week.... and this was much better than that.

My third day was plagued with migraines, so I was content with the 3500 I put in, mostly after 3pm. There was no walk around the block on this day. However, Thursday was quite busy with a trip out to the store with Tricia. We parked in a central location and walked back and forth between our little exchange, the tiny commissary, and the thrift store. I took three laps around the block in the afternoon, and Paul and I took another trip to the commissary for his shopping needs. I logged a whopping 9200 steps on day four.

I was definitely enjoying this pedometer. I had had no idea that a little one dollar piece of equipment could be such a motivator. It is almost addictive to watch the little step number go up and up... checking my progress during the day. Day five I turned in a respectable 5500 steps.

Saturday morning I broke my pedometer. I snapped the little clasp right off when I pushed it open too far to hook it on my pants. I was very sad. This was my motivation. I wanted to see how far I could go. No fair!

I tried to repair it, but it was a feeble attempt that failed miserably. So Sunday, I bought a new one. Only this time, it tells me all kinds of neat information based on my own stride and weight. I now can see how many miles I have walked and how many calories I have burned. It tells me how many minutes I have been active during the day, and it keeps a record of your steps for 7 days.

My only complaint.... it seems to give me more steps than I really think I am walking. I would count my steps, then open up and check to see a number that was a couple steps more than what I had counted. I did do a lot of walking yesterday, but I do not think I did 11800 steps worth.... probably more like my 9000 step day. I guess that I will have to play with it's placement a bit to see if I can get it a little more accurate.

I am a competitive person, and I needed something to motivate me forward in working on my weight loss goal. I tried to get my husband involved with the idea of having a competition to see who could lose 20 pounds first. Unfortunately, he only cares about 6, so no motivation there. But this way (with the pedometer) it is like I am competing against myself. I can challenge myself and the numbers. And hey, I'm often all about numbers.

One of the articles I read said that 6000 steps a day was good for maintaining weight, but 10,000 or more a day is the goal for weight loss (and preferably 4000-6000 of those steps in a one time frame exercise walk). So whereas just a week ago I could barely force myself to go out and get some exercise, now I joyfully trot out each afternoon to circle my block and rack up some numbers. What fun!

Lord God, thank you for helping me find something to encourage me to increase my activity. Help me continue to work more towards complete surrender to you in all aspects of my life, including my food and exercise habits. Help me focus on becoming who I am in you, and not on my size and body image. Please help me keep my priorities straight. Thank you for your strength and encouragement each day. I love you. Amen.

Surrender

2008-11-18T15:52:00.002-07:00

At the end of worship Sunday, I felt the Lord whisper to me to "give up pop". Well, those of you who know me well know how much I love my Mountain Dew. So I guess that's the point... I love it too much. So God has asked me to surrender it.

I am a compliant person. Often I will know I should do something, but until someone firmly tells me to do it, I often won't. I need that authority sometimes to get my act straight and deal with something.

I knew for years I needed therapy, not just antidepressants, but I didn't do anything about it until one of the women from church (that I respected) told me I needed to seek Christian counseling. I had an appointment by the next day.

On my journey this year, my friend/mentor would often tell me I needed to do something (kind of like giving me an assignment)... and even if I already knew I needed to do it, I wouldn't march off into action until she firmly reminded me it was something I needed to do.

There have been many times that I think I have known that God has wanted me to do something (like give up my soda habit), but I don't do it until it is more than a nudging.... until I am told. And once told, I often energetically (and occasionally enthusiastically) set off to do whatever it is, because I have fully accepted it is what I need to do.

Last year when I started Thin Within, I was ready for the change. I not only accepted what God was asking and moved forward, I SURRENDERED to the Lord. I think this is why I had a fairly easy time changing my eating habits. Because my heart was fully surrendered to God, He removed all the physical obstacles, like cravings. My weight just started coming off left and right, at least until Paul came home from his deployment.

But lately it's been so much harder. I felt God's nudging about the pop before I came out here. It was my goal to switch to water and try to live healthier, but I just couldn't seem to do it. Actually, I slipped backwards with my eating addiction, so it became even more of a crutch than it was before. So of course I didn't want to give it up.

So I ignored the nudging and continued in my own destructive ways... until now. Now God has told me to give it up. So in true Kimmy fashion, I have accepted this is what I must do and have moved forward in implementing the change. No Mountain Dew or Orange Fanta for me (my two favs... but I haven't had any other pop either). I figured while I was at it I would chuck the caffeine as well. I used the last of my caffeinated coffee to make pumpkin ice coffee to take to a mom's get together.

Tricia asked me yesterday if I would have my ice coffee in the morning instead of my Dew, and I said no... I like to drink my one glass in the afternoon/evening, and my goal is not to switch one addiction for another. It would not help me at all to stop drinking pop with my meals but have iced coffee instead three times a day. So it has been water for me.

But have I really surrendered? I don't think so. I am somewhere in the middle of acceptance and surrender. I have taken one step of obedience in doing what God has asked me, but I know what He really wants is my surrender, not just my compliance. He wants me to obey with my heart, and not just with my actions.

I'm sure I will get there.

Lord God, thank you for your patience with me. Help me to move past compliance and into complete surrender. I know with my head that everything will work out so much better when I am surrendered to you, Lord. Help me remember this in my heart as well. I love You. Amen.

A Real Cake Ministry

2008-11-17T17:13:00.003-07:00

I have heard people refer to my cake making skills as a ministry. In Virginia, I brought cakes to church a couple times a month and to most of the church functions. I was the resident "cake lady". My cakes were mentioned as one of the things that would be missed when we moved away.

I know that God has blessed me with these skills, and in the past I have tried to used these skills in ministry ways. When a family was raising money for the medical costs of their sons' bone marrow transplants, I raised about $200 in cake sales to donate to their cause. I had never done cakes for money before then, and I eagerly gave whatever I made until they had raised all the money they needed.

I still do not sell many cakes. I mostly take them places for fun. And I never suspected that God would actually use my skills in a real ministry, but I suppose I should have.

The homegroup we have begun attending is part of a ministry called Picnic in the Park. Once a month they cook a large amount of food and go out into the local community to serve a meal to anyone who needs one. It is a local outreach to meet the physical needs of the homeless and poor. The focus of the group is not to preach at the recipients, but instead to simply live out the gospel by loving them in such a tangible way as giving them a good meal and a place to just hang out and relax, without anyone telling them to move on because they aren't wanted there.

One of the things they do every month is sing Happy Birthday to anyone who has had a birthday that month, and they serve cake.

So as I was looking down the list of areas to volunteer to help with, I of course notice the cake. I ask where do they get the cake? And the answer was someone throws together a couple of sheet cakes. Well, I say.... I make cakes. Yummy neat cakes.... and I volunteered to be "the cake lady" for Picnic in the Park. They seemed very excited to have someone wanting to take over this responsibility.

On the way home, and it's a 40 minute drive, I started thinking about my cakes. I like to put a lot of love and attention in them. I make my frosting from scratch, and everyone just loves it. They are so lovely to look at, and the really creative ones really bring out the joy of anyone who sees them.

So I began to imagine feeling unloved and unwanted. You start attending a monthly lunch where people come and feed you because they want to spend time with you. And to see a beautiful cake that you can tell someone spent a lot of time and effort on, and realizing that they did it for you.... how would that feel? I would think it would feel pretty good.

It amazes me that God has put a talent in me that to me seems so simple and unimportant, but He uses that to bring joy to other people. I have seen it in my friends and church body. And now I look forward to the joy God will bring to the people of Picnic in the Park.

Lord God, thank you for the talents and gifts that You have placed in me. I pray that you will show Your love to the lost through the creativity You have blessed me with. Thank you for this opportunity to serve You. I love You. Amen.

Give Me Jesus

2008-11-17T16:54:00.003-07:00

We sang a song at church yesterday that I had never heard before. The song was called "Give Me Jesus" and the chorus went like this...

Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
You can have all this world
Just give me Jesus

There was something about this song that really got to me. How often do we remember that it is not the world that will give us what we need? How often do we really say "you can have the world, just give me Jesus"?

I have been wrestling a lot lately with the idea of "if I lost everything else, would Jesus be enough"? I received a devotion on this topic recently, and it has been rolling around in my head ever since.

Sometimes the Lord asks us to give things up. Sometimes He asks us to give people up. And sometimes it seems like what He is asking is too much... that we cannot live without whatever it is that He wants us to surrender. The Lord is asking me to surrender some pretty important things in my life, and it feels as if there will be a void... a hole if I do.

But if we believe, really believe the words of this song.... then we should be able to surrender anything because we know Jesus will automatically fill that void... He will fill up that hole overflowing if we let Him. We will already know that what we get from Jesus is so much better than anything of the world. So why is this so hard to remember?

Lord Jesus, I want to fully know in my heart, and not just in my head, that all I need is you. You are the answer to all my needs, and I can just leave the world and its broken promises behind me when I have You. Lord, help me remember to keep my focus on you. Please give me strength to surrender what you are asking me to surrender. I love you. Amen.

Church Shopping Update...

2008-11-14T14:55:00.002-07:00

So it occurs to me that I have not updated most of you on our church shopping progress. As you may have figured out due to a lack of my complaining about more churches, we have settled down and finally picked one.

The week after our gospel experience, we tried out the former Vineyard church that Paul had wanted to go to a few weeks before. We walked in and found a seat. We were pleasantly surprised to know all of the worship songs, and it was nice to see people really worshiping the Lord. There was a call for prayer at the end of worship with prayer teams up front waiting to pray with anyone who wanted healing. One woman went up with crutches and a bad knee, and then she left jumping around and dancing, healed on the spot. There was another call for prayer at the end of the message, and we decided to wait around to speak to the pastor... afterall, by this point we mean business and want to get to the heart of the church to see if it is a real contender for our attendance. We waited for 45 minutes, but while waiting we watched one man slain in the spirit while hearing the pastor and another gentleman praying for a woman (I think his wife), commanding spirits to leave in the name of Jesus, asking God to heal her. It was definately the spirit filled service we were looking for.

Once we were able to talk to the pastor (and we were the last ones there), he talked with us for quite awhile and then brought us outside to meet some other people. They were having a fundraiser bbq, and he offered us free food since we were guests. He introduced us to his wife who talked with us for a long time. Then she introduced us to her daughter and son-in-law, who eventually introduced us to another couple who runs a lifegroup (a homegroup) on Sunday evenings. We talked to then for awhile as well. Paul also talked with the worship leader for quite awhile.

Each person we talked to was really interested in getting to know a bit about who we were and how we found their church. They asked real questions and not just meaningless chitchat. And they all said they hoped to see us come back again.

Our initial inventory of this visit was going quite well...

Genuine, meaningful worship- check.
Spirit filled- check.
Friendly and encouraging- check.
Great children's program- check.
Active Youth group- check.

They even had an open invitation for people to come join the worship team for a once a month mini choir... CHECK.

We decided to attend the next week, and most of the people we had met the week before remembered us. And some introduced us to more people. I even ended up meeting parents of a woman who turned out to be part of the homeschool group here on base (I hadn't met her yet because she had not attended the first two mom's meetings).

We have now gone four times, been to two lifegroup meetings, Paul participated in the mini choir the second week we were there and hopes to eventually become part of the main worship team, and Paul and I were both baptised this past Sunday.

I would say that things are going well.

It has been a little different getting used to a large congregation, but there are benefits to that as well. They have a lot more programs and resources than a smaller church, and it helps us to be able to support our home church (where our heart is). Paul even brought it up in our pre-baptism counceling with the pastor... that our heart was to keep supporting our church in Virginia. And the pastor was very supportive. He said that he completely believes in being spirit led, and if we feel that God is leading us to put our tithes there, then he doesn't have a problem with it at all. So I guess that's the final- check!

From the beginning of our experience with this new church, I have been able to see glimpses of how God can grow us here, and that is very exciting.... especially after 7 weeks of complete uncertainty.

Lord God, I thank you for leading us to the place you want for us in this phase of our journey with you. Thank you for all the opportunities here for us. Continue to grow us in your kingdom. I love you. Amen.

Motherhood Martyrdom

2008-11-12T14:51:00.003-07:00

I have a confession to make.

Sometimes I don't like being the mother. I walk around my house, picking up after the people who live here, angrily mumbling to myself about "Why can't anyone clean up after themselves? Why do I have to do so much for these people who are perfectly capable of doing for themselves? Why am I never appreciated for what I do?"

As I walked around my house yesterday, once again annoyed at one of my children because they will not put their things away no matter how many times I ask, yell or order them to...they don't appreciate how hard I am trying to keep things nice, and they don't realize how much harder they are making it for me.... God whispered something in my ear.

"You are not a martyr."

Wow! That hurt a little. But it is true. I am not a victim of motherhood martyrdom.

mar⋅tyr⋅dom

[mahr-ter-duhm]
–noun

1.	the condition, sufferings, or death of a martyr.

2.	extreme suffering; torment.

I am not trapped in an oppressing condition. I am not truly suffering, and I am definitely not dead. I am not being tormented (although at brief moments that statement seems questionable... only kidding!).

Truth be told, I am living the life I always wanted for myself. I wanted to be a mother... to have beautiful children. God tells us that children are a BLESSING! So why then, can it be so hard to see it this way? Why is it so easy to look past the blessing and focus only on the negative aspects... the selfishness of my nature?

As I walked around my living room feeling all self important, discouraged, unappreciated.... feeling like I should receive martyr credit... I realized this is the attitude of so many women in this world. This is the attitude I grew up seeing in my own mother. She walked around in anger all the time.... nothing she did was good enough for us...(really making us feel like what we did wasn't good enough for her)... we didn't appreciate her... we didn't idolize her... we didn't love her.... we should feel lucky just to have her there to do things for us. This was the message we received in her moments of Motherhood Martyrdom. And regretfully, I realized with the Lord's help, that I was putting out that same message with my selfish attitude.

We live in a world full of selfish women. Women who have children for the wrong reasons. Women who didn't really want to be a mother but was stuck with it... women who only wanted someone (ANYONE) to love them, so they had a child.... women who had children because someone else wanted them to.... women who would rather have other people raise their children than to do it themselves. These are all situations where it seems only natural for a mother to become somewhat resentful of what they do for others without anything in return. They didn't really want the job or the work in the first place... or maybe they didn't realized how much work was really involved. Maybe they see motherhood as more of a curse than a blessing.

But me? I'm living the dream, right? I believe with my whole heart that motherhood is the ultimate calling that God can place on a woman's life. It is a life that should be valued, a life that is worthy. It is to be respected and cherished. But it is exhausting!

And sometimes in my exhaustion and frustration I go somewhere I am not entitled to go.... motherhood martyrdom. And it is in this place that I do the exact opposite of what I should. I focus on the negative. I get all wrapped up in me... putting my desires first. I let my pride run a muck. I basically announce through my actions that my family is not good enough. They are not meeting my needs. They are not appreciating me, or loving me, or idolizing me. I feel like what I do for them is so great that they should be bending over backwards to help me because they are lucky to have me. But what I am really doing is putting conditions on my love for them..... conditions that should not be there.

And who am I that I should deserve such worship? This is the great lie that Satan tells us mothers..... that we deserve to be worshiped for what we do for others, for all the sacrifices we make in the name of motherhood. I think this is one of Satan's favorite lies. After all, wasn't it his desire to be worshiped above God that got him into trouble in the first place? It is an evil trap that will work its way through each generation, especially passing from mothers to daughters.

Even though I possess a nurturing nature and a motherly desire my own mother did not have, her martyr mentality shaped my young life and carried over into my adult life. I see a calling and a value to motherhood my mother was unable to see, but that alone has not prevented this particular downfall. I have over the years on many occasions displayed my martyr badge to my daughters through my little tantrums.

But God has spoken the truth..... He has dispelled the lie.

I am not a martyr!

Lord God, even though the truth often hurts, thank you for calling me out of my selfish behavior. Thank you for readjusting my perspective to remember that my children are a blessing, not a curse. Thank you that you want to break this cycle for my daughters. Please help me to everyday work and serve my family for your glory and not for selfish recognition. Help me teach my daughters with my actions (not just my words) that motherhood is a great and awesome calling. I love you. Amen.

A Call to Spiritual Growth

2008-11-12T13:04:00.002-07:00

Hebrews 5:11-14 (New Living Translation)

A Call to Spiritual Growth

11 There is much more we would like to say about this, but it is difficult to explain, especially since you are spiritually dull and don’t seem to listen. 12 You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God’s word. You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food. 13 For someone who lives on milk is still an infant and doesn’t know how to do what is right. 14 Solid food is for those who are mature, who through training have the skill to recognize the difference between right and wrong.

Do you remember being a spiritual baby? For some of us, that wasn't all that long ago or at least doesn't seem that long ago.... still others might still be there because of the newness of their commitment to Christ. And others may not even remember since they have been walking with the Lord for so long now.

I know I felt like a spiritual baby for a really long time. I was just soaking in as much teaching as I could. I was learning and developing and figuring out what was right and wrong in God's world. I had grown for almost 30 years in the world's view of right and wrong, and it took awhile for God to grow me up in His vastly different world.

And I remember when I felt like I was graduating into the world of Christian toddlerhood. I was stumbling around trying to find my own footing, needing more than just milk to sustain me. I was sampling some meat along the way, always eager to try more and more. I can think back to my kids becoming toddlers... when formula alone was no longer enough... when soft baby food was cast aside in pursuit of more "grown-up" food. It was an exciting time.

But what happens when our growth and maturity become stunted? When we do not continue to grow in our faith? When we do not step out in faith to do whatever the Lord is calling? When we do not reach out to the lost or teach those who need to hear? Do we revert back to being babies like this scripture says?

At the beginning of the next chapter, Paul continues...

Hebrews 6

1 So let us stop going over the basic teachings about Christ again and again. Let us go on instead and become mature in our understanding. Surely we don’t need to start again with the fundamental importance of repenting from evil deeds and placing our faith in God. 2 You don’t need further instruction about baptisms, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. 3 And so, God willing, we will move forward to further understanding.

I think the key here is understanding. It isn't just about listening to God's Word... we need to understand it. We need to grow and mature in our understanding. I don't know about you, but this can be quite challenging. I think it has become so easy in our culture to just shout out for the quick fix... "Just the facts". Give me the basics of the info, as fast as you can, with as little details as possible so we can move on to the next thing. We often do not want to stop and really take time to understand everything involved.

And have you ever noticed that if the partucular subject is not of great interest or importance (in our opinion), that our ability to stop and truly understand is even more inhibited? Take science, for instance. I hated science class growing up. I was a mainly A/B+ student my whole life, but I failed biology in college. On my second attempt I dropped the class to prevent a second F on my transcript. This subject was too complicated for me. I didn't enjoy it. I was not interested or passionate about it. It did not come easily to me. My natural understanding has been (and still is) hindered in this subject. My husband has to break things down to as uncomplicated explanation as he can come up with for me to understand. The bottom line, I have considered the effort needed to achieve understanding to be far more involved than the effort I am willing to put out. Therefore, scientifically I have been and most likely will remain a "science baby".

But do we sometimes take this same attitude toward God's Word? The Bible isn't always easy to read or understand. In fact, it can be very time consuming to pour over its pages and figure out what God is saying. Some parts can be outright boring. Getting through the building of the tabernacle and the Laws of Moses with my children was almost painful. It takes a commitment to put forth the required level of effort to achieve a mature understanding. And if we do not make that commitment, then we will remain infantile in our understanding of God, just as I have with science.

But what if I had met someone who was powerfully passionate about science? Someone who wanted to help me understand? Walk through each step and each level until I got it? Would that have made a difference in my scientific outcome in life? Would it have influenced my outlook and like/dislike of that particular subject? These are questions I obviously cannot answer because these are experiences I did not have.

But God has given each believer this exact opportunity to maturely understand his word. He has given us the Holy Spirit to help and guide us. The Holy Spirit will walk us through each step, giving us not only understanding, but I think encouragement and a passion for more. But the key is, we have to be willing to make that commitment.

Lord God, I thank you for Your Word. I boldly ask that you will give me a passion for its pages. I admit that reading my Bible has often felt like a chore, or a school subject I didn't like...something to "get through". I ask you to change this attitude in my heart. Grow me up into mature understanding so that I will not revert back into a baby who cannot tell right from wrong. Help me continue to grow and heal. I love you. Amen.

Today I Choose Optimism, Hope and Joy

2008-11-04T12:19:00.002-07:00

I have suffered from depression for a great deal of my life, although I wasn't diagnosed until 2003. In the years since, I have come to believe that there are three distinct aspects to depression: physical, spiritual , and emotional.

Physical- I know that there are people who have actual chemical imbalances that create depression problems. In this society, I think this is the most highly treated aspect. Many, if not most of patients diagnosed with depression are put on medication to help this imbalance. But most often, medication alone will never help because there are two other extremely important causes to look at.

Spiritual- Now I believe that there is a spiritual element to depression that is often overlooked. There are spirits of depression that can come on us and oppress us. I have battled against them, and I have (on more than one occasion) commanded them to leave. I have felt great relief at times when I was being oppressed by these demons and they have been forced to go in the name of Jesus.

Emotional- Depression has been said to be the result of anger turned inward. I am currently reading a book on depression that deals specifically with emotional healing and finding the connections between our emotions (anger, fear, anxiety, negativity, etc.) and how we react to them. In Moving Beyond Depression, Dr. Gregory Jantz says this;

"Depression is often an emotional reaction to overwhelming circumstances. We may find ourselves in a situation where we feel helpless, so we disengage emotionally. We feel angry but unable to show it. We may feel frustrated but afraid to vent it. We may feel burdened but inadequate to bear it. Since we can't seem to express what we're really feeling, we choose to feel nothing at all. The end result we seek is a cessation of the pain. But ignoring the pain does not make it go away, and minimizing the damage often leads to greater hurt."

I believe that a far greater number of people find their roots in the second two of these factors. Research has shown that medication does not really help except for those with extreme cases of depression. So for those who are only taking meds to help fix their problems, but they are ignoring the emotional and spiritual causes.... these are probably the statistics I have heard quoted (on an antidepressant commercial no less) saying that 2/3 of patients on antidepressants are still suffering from depression symptoms despite the medication.

I do not believe that my depression stems from an imbalance. I spent time on the meds, and they really did not help... they were more of a numbing agent for me. Now I am not trying to say that antidepressants don't work at all, I am just saying that in my case, the causes of my depression most likely are not medical.

As I previously mentioned, I have battled against the spiritual causes of depression. There were a few times last year that I commanded oppressing spirits to leave, and they did. Whenever you command in the name of Jesus, demonic spirits have no choice but to leave. But I am wise enough to know that every time I have an attack of depression, it is not always going to be a spiritual attack.

Just yesterday, I was having a particularly hard day... a "blah" day as they are referred to in our house. And of course Paul asked me if I had prayed about it. (I never do at first.... I always get too caught up in the blah!) So as I silently began to ask God to remove any oppressing spirits.... commanding them to leave, He immediately told me they weren't there. This episode was not brought on by spiritual oppression at all. This was an episode being spurred on by my emotional state.... or by my lack of wanting to deal with my emotional state.

God is currently asking me (again) to make some hard choices. He wants to heal me from the pain I am still carrying around inside of me, but to be honest, I have been unwilling to go there. Since I left Virginia, I have not wanted to face my pain. I have not wanted to work through it to find healing. I have been afraid of it. And now I am reaping the consequences of this decision.

I have been moody and angry. I have been easily annoyed and irritated. I have not been as kind as I should be to my loved ones who must put up with me day in and day out. I have woken up on many days feeling numb or apathetic and quite content to stay there.

But here's the problem. Just as the author stated above, ignoring the pain does not make it go away. In fact, over time it just makes everything worse. So now that I have been ignoring it, the depression that I have lived without for most of the last year has come back in mild episodes. Knowing that the meds aren't the answer... and now knowing that spiritual attacks are not the cause... that really only leaves one culprit to deal with. My Emotions.

So as I picked this book back up to read chapter two (I read chapter one in June), the chapter I came to is entitled "Emotional Equilibrium". Now that is fitting, isn't it? The part of the chapter that spoke the loudest to my ears is the one about navigating the flow of moods.

He talks about how we have a reaction to an event that we cannot control, but after that initial reaction, we can choose our attitudes. He says, "Mood is how we are feeling; attitude is how we respond to the mood." Often we choose (without even thinking about it) to react negatively, thus continuing in a bad mood. But he suggests that actively choosing a positive mood is the key to successfully changing the behavior that leads to emotional depression. He states;

"Choosing a good mood promotes optimism, hope, and joy. A good mood allows you to experience these life-affirming emotions. When you are experiencing depression, you must work at promoting the choice of a good mood. It can be hard work. A good mood won't come naturally- while other unconstructive moods will. Pessimism, negativity, sarcasm, hostility, even apathy, flow freely when you are depressed. To overcome depression, you must turn the flow of this negative tide and strive, even if it seems as though you are paddling against the current, to promote optimism, hope, and joy."

Wow! This is a hard lesson to learn. I can SOOOO relate to what he is saying about how hard it is to CHOOSE to be positive because the negative emotions are flowing. Boy, do my negative emotions flow. Ask anyone in my household and they will tell you I'm not fun when I give into this river ride.

Whenever Paul askes me if I've prayed about it, I just want to look at him and tell him I don't care. I know he doesn't understand how hard it is to look for the positive... how hard it is to turn away from the negative.... the apathy, the consuming irritation and heaviness that builds inside of me. I almost always give into the negative. And now I am learning that is my problem right now.

I have allowed the natural flow of negative emotions to be my excuse for not dealing with it. It is my cop out. It has been another lie of the enemy that whispers in my ear that I am just not strong enough so I should just give into it, and I have swallowed it without challenge. I want to think that I can't beat it so that I don't have to do the hard work. Because it is extremely hard work to push yourself past that negitivity that drags you down. It seems impossible in that moment. It seems insurmountable.... so why try?

So at the end of each chapter, the authors gives his readers a "Moving-Forward Phrase". This chapters phrase is... "Today I choose to focus on optimism, hope, and joy. "

I know this will not be an easy task. And in fact, I know I am completely incapable of doing it. So I must remember each and every time I am faced with this negativity, that I need to turn to God immediately and ask for His strength. I need to remember Philippians 4:13 that says,
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (NKJV)

Lord God, I thank you so much that Your desire is to heal me. You want to break me free from this pain and depression that is dragging me down. You want to use this in my life to bring me closer to You, that I may know that I cannot do it without You, Lord God. Give me Your strength. Please continue to open my eyes to my own distructive behavior. Give me courage to face and change the things in myself that I do not like. Make me more and more in Your image. I love You. Amen.

Have We Lost the Art of Neighborly Love?

2008-10-31T11:40:00.004-06:00

When I grew up, I knew several people on my street, especially the neighbors on each side of my house. My one neighbor, Mrs. Pence, was a sweet old woman who was more of a grandmother to me than my own grandmothers were able to be. She would listen to me chat away forever, and she always had treats for us. As I got a little older, I began to bring her sweet treats of my own... sharing the cookies and brownies I so loved to make.

But as I grew into adulthood and moved off on my own, most of the time I didn't really ever get to know my neighbors. I had social anxieties that stopped me from being friendly with people until my hardened outer shell had been sufficiently cracked.

During our time in Illinois, I actually did make friendships with several of my neighbors, and we had a nice little community going. We lived in a mobile home park on the Naval base, so we had the commonality of being Navy to bring us into friendships. But it was towards the end of this tour that I was deeply betrayed by a close friend, and the damage done closed me off to neighbors for years. I could not trust people, and I hated to have others in my house. I was perfectly content not to know any of my neighbors.

In Virginia, I began to heal, and although I eventually devolped deep and meaningful relationships with the people at my church, even letting some into my house... I still didn't dare to let my neighbors into my life. It didn't help that we didn't live in a very good or safe area. But even after we moved onto Fort Monroe, where once again we had the commonality of all being military, I did not befriend many neighbors.

So when we moved here, and the woman at the housing office informed us that we might be snubbed by our neighbors because they were officer and we are enlisted, I actually said, "That's ok, I never make it a point to know my neighbors anyway."

I actually laugh at myself that these were the words I spoke only eight weeks ago. The office lady was in fact quite wrong. (Almost) Everyone we have met so far has been nice. Not that we have been advertising our rank status, we haven't hidden it either... and it really hasn't mattered much to the people we have met. Of course Paul is Navy among mostly Army, so we are different anyway. (And they are continuing to move enlisted on our street, so we are currently at 7 officer families and 4 enlisted families.)

I have noticed that it has become remarkable easier for me to carry on new conversations with people I am just meeting. And I have had people over for dinner three times already. I thank and praise God for the work he has done, is doing, and will continue to do in me. I talk to people all the time here. I haven't really gotten to the point where I would consider anyone more than acquaintance friends, but that will come with time.

So last week as we were walking over to the park for some free food offered at a WSMR party, we stopped to talk to a family moving into one of the many empty houses on our street. We talked for quite a bit, and another neighbor joined us as he and his daughter were heading the same direction we were. He wanted to welcome the new family just as we had.

A few days later, we stopped and talked through our car window for just a bit on our way home from the commissary. Paul wanted to see how they were doing and when their household goods were due to arrive. After arriving home, he found Justin to take down to meet their son who is about the same age, and he stayed for quite a long time chatting. When I went down to get him for dinner, we decided to invite them over for the next evening since they wouldn't have their stuff yet and were living on cold sandwiches.

It turned out they were not able to come over because they needed to make a trip into town that evening that could not be postponed, so we invited them for the next night instead. I know how tired out you are at the end of receiving your HHGs, and they probably wouldn't be unpacked enough yet to cook anything real anyway. Although she didn't want me to go all out or go to any trouble, they agreed to come down for dinner anyway.

I made my famous potato soup and tried out a new pumpkin cheesecake recipe. I even had to borrow some sugar from my other neighbor for my bread since I used the last of mine in the cheesecake. She commented on how sweet it was for us to have invited the family for dinner.

That night, we had a great evening. The kids played. The husbands sat outside around the fire pit chatting. And we two moms sat at my kitchen table talking. It was so nice to have a real conversation that wasn't surface chitchat. I felt a real connection with this woman... the possibility of something more than just acquaintance status. I know she will only be here for 8-11 months... but it will be nice to be neighbors while it lasts.

One of the things she said to me really stuck out. She said, "you sure know a lot of people around here already for being here such a short time." I commented that I got hooked up with the homeschool group quickly through one of our neighbors who seems to know everybody! (She has been here five years and counting...)

Then she said that she has lived on plenty of bases where people weren't so friendly, and people didn't always get to know their neighbors.... but after being here less than a week, she had already had three or four different people/families stop by to say hello and introduce themselves. I think I commented on how maybe being so isolated out here, it puts a higher focus on community and being neighborly.

At the end of the evening as we said our goodbyes, this family just thanked us over and over for inviting them over and preparing such a wonderful meal. It was almost like they still couldn't believe we wanted to go to the effort.... but it wasn't really an effort at all. It was pure joy to do something so simple for someone else to make their transition here easier.

And since I still had half a cheesecake left, I cut a huge hunk to take over to my neighbor who had loaned me the sugar earlier in the day. (I think she got a good investment for her 1/3 cup of sugar!) She was also so appreciative of my simple gesture. It was such a wonderful feeling to be able to bless other people with my skills. I think I have missed that since we left our church family in Virginia.

But this evening got me thinking. Has our culture lost this art of neighborly love? I grew up watching old shows of the 50's in syndication..... Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best, The Patty Duke Show. This was a time and a culture where neighbors mattered. People not only knew who lived on their street, but actually took the time to know and help each other. They took on each other's responsibilities and were not so focused on themselves.

Of course I am not saying that this no longer exists.... but has it become more of the exception than the norm? It is easy to be helpful and kind to the people you already know. But you really have to put yourself out there sometimes to do these things for people you don't know. It can be scary at times to sacrifice yourself in any way not knowing what will come out of it, especially in our society that is so Me oriented.

Even though my heart wanted to bless this family, and I felt like it was no big deal.... wouldn't have I reacted similarly if another family had welcomed us this way? With actions and not just words? If someone had brought "the new family" food or invited us to dinner.... or even came to our door to introduce themselves and welcome us to the neighborhood instead of us going out to meet them?

Although these specific examples did not happen with us, we have been quite blessed by our neighbor who opened herself up to help us... she is a wealth of information and resources about this base, the area, and the homeschool group. She has made our life so much easier here since we met her two or three weeks after arriving. She is one who often goes over and welcomes a new family to the neighborhood, and she feels badly if she hasn't had the time to do so.

Maybe it is that this base has somewhat of a 1950's feel to it. I have heard jokes about how nothing has been planned for since the 50's. I have enjoyed the easy pace of life. In a lot of ways it is like living back in a former decade. But maybe that isn't all bad. I kind of like it.

So what do we do in this society that has gotten so scary? When you are somewhat afraid of the people around you? When you think it will cost you more than you are willing to pay to reach out and help another person? And how did we get this way? How did we get so self absorbed and isolated from each other? Ever notice how the bigger and busier the place is you live, the more isolated you can be? You may have people everywhere around you, but that doesn't mean you're not isolated.

Romans 13:8-10 (New Living Translation)

Love Fulfills God’s Requirements

8 Owe nothing to anyone—except for your obligation to love one another. If you love your neighbor, you will fulfill the requirements of God’s law. 9 For the commandments say, “You must not commit adultery. You must not murder. You must not steal. You must not covet.”^[a] These—and other such commandments—are summed up in this one commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”^[b] 10 Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law.

Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself. Well I think our culture only knows how to do the latter.... love yourself. It seems so few are willing to put someone's needs... anyone's needs before their own. Maybe that is part of the reason our divorce rate is so high in this country. Some have been hurt so badly, all they know is to take care of themselves. They are so afraid of being hurt further, that they do not have the ability to put anyone before themselves... it is just too risky. I think others are just too filled with pride or lust to care about anyone other than themselves. I know there have been points in my life where both could have been said about me. We live in a fallen world filled with pain and greed and sin.

But when we try to break free from this world, when we step out and away from ourselves, when we sacrifice ourselves (in love) for the sake of someone else.... don't we feel wonderful? That high is so much better than anything we can do for ourselves. And wouldn't you say that this is true because this is how God designed us? He has a purpose for our lives that does not revolve around us. Sure, he wants us to be blessed, to be happy and joyful.

But he wants that to be accomplished when we are serving someone else instead of ourselves. He doesn't want us to be consumed with "what is is going to cost me if I do this for someone else?" But rather, "How can I better myself by giving of myself in love to help someone else in need?" I think it is amazing the lessons we learn when we love our neighbors, with our actions as well as our words.

Lord God, you are an amazing Father. I thank you so much for all the work you have done in my life this past year. I can see how your healing has been manifesting in my life as I relate to those around me. I can see in this place how you are beginning to give me a heart and a love for people in a way I have not ever experienced before. Thank you for providing these opportunities and experiences to practice being more selfless and less selfish. I love you. Amen.

My Son, The New Neighborhood Bully...

2008-10-24T18:36:00.004-06:00

We had homeschool PE today in the neighborhood. All the kids walked, rode, skate boarded, roller bladed... whatever activity they wanted... around our large block. They got a sticker for each pass they made. It was fun to watch them, and once the other families started heading home, we made our way home as well. Justin, however, stayed out to play with his friends.

About an hour later we get a knock on the door. One of the homeschool dad's came over to inform us of a scuffle our son had been in. Apparently, he hit another neighborhood kid. So as Paul went off to claim our son, I saw a very uptight looking woman marching my way with her son.

Great, a confrontation. Those of you who know me, know I do not like any kind of confrontation. But I faced this one head on. As the woman approached, I looked her straight in her face, not wanting to hide at all. She was too angry to look at me, though. She informed me that my son hit her son (who by the way was larger and older than Justin).

I told her that I was sorry that my son hit hers, that it was not acceptable, and we would definitely handle it with Justin. She went on and on about how hitting is not ok in any circumstances, and that she teaches her children it is not ok to fight.

I calmly agreed that hitting was not ok, that we did not teach our children that fighting is ok, and I politely thanked her for bringing it to our attention what our son had done.

This did not have any affect on her at all, as she stood there shaking in anger. She did not really want to hear anything from me, she just wanted to yell at me about what my kid did to her kid. Then she went on about how we were lucky she decided not to call the police, because she could, after all, because it was one person assaulting another person.

Now I am in no way condoning what my son did. The older boy was telling Justin something he knew to be untrue and then wouldn't let him do something, and Justin got so emotionally upset that he lashed out and slugged the boy. He should not have done that... he should have walked away from the situation. But he didn't.

But I have to say, this boy was not injured. He didn't have bruises or anything broken. He wasn't bleeding. It was a typical boyhood scuffle. I could not figure out why this woman was going off the handle over it. Call the police? I would like to think if she had called the police because a seven year old hit her son (and I did find out later that her son hit mine right back), that the officer would have laughed at her.

If my son came home telling me another child hit him, I am sure I would not be happy about it, but I would probably ask him what he did first. I understand that boys will be boys, and sometimes that includes hitting. I would hope that I would not be so overcome with anger and fury that I would come close to verbally attacking the other child's mother.

As the woman marched off with her son, I could hear her telling him to stay far away from my child (like he is a violent bully or something). But then she changed her mind and came back so she could yell at my son. She wanted to know why he hit her child and started yelling at him that it is never ok to hit someone else. Of course by this time Justin was in tears.

After the whole thing was over, I still couldn't figure out what had caused such a violent reaction from this woman. The tension coming from her was palpable. As I discussed it with Paul, he said, maybe she has some wounding from her past that this triggered. Huh.... that's a good point. My husband is so smart!

After all, I lost it becoming all irrational at my best friend's birthday party last year because the guys wrote all the girl's Pictionary words, and we girls didn't know what they were. How are you supposed to draw a word that you have no idea what it is? I got so upset after awhile that I left the room and refused to play. I was in tears. I was angry and afraid I was going to lash out and lose it.... and this was just a game of Pictionary. But I didn't know why I was reacting that way until a little later when some of the ladies prayed with me and I discovered that the situation had stepped on some of my woundings from the past of being unjustly made to feel stupid.

So maybe Paul is right. Maybe there was some kind of abuse in this woman's past. Maybe she was bullied, or a victim of a household with domestic abuse. I don't know. Probably never will. But I also realized that I need to do two things.....

After disciplining my son for his inappropriate behavior, I needed to tell myself that there is nothing wrong with my son. He is not a bad kid, and I am not a bad parent. This is part of my woundings.... since my son was born I have not had much outside help with him, and I was made to feel that he was a burden, or too hyper, to too active.... you name it. It took me a long time to be able to ask anyone for help because I felt like if family wouldn't even help, why would someone else. I had felt like there was something about my son (really for the simple reason that he is a boy) that was unlovable and it was somehow my fault. So whenever he does something wrong, I feel guilty about it and feel like a bad parent. So the first thing I had to remind myself was that I do have a sweet and loving son who sometimes screws up (don't we all?), and I am not a bad parent because sometimes my kids screw up.

The second thing I had to realize was that although there was nothing I could do or say to this woman to make the situation better, I could pray for her. I know nothing about her... her history, her pain, her beliefs (other than it is never, ever, ever acceptable in any situation to hit another person).... but God knows. And He knows exactly what she needs.

So Father God, I lift up this angry mother to you. I ask that you touch her today. If she does not know you, Father, I ask that you show yourself to her and open her eyes to see you. If she does know you, Lord God, I ask that you would show her how much you want to heal the wounds she may still have in her life. Please bring peace and healing into her life. Forgive me for wanting to judge her, and thank you for showing me that there might be pain behind her actions, and reminding me that everyone needs someone to pray for them. I love you. Amen.

For I Know the Plans I Have for You...

2008-10-22T06:35:00.002-06:00

Don't you just love it when you have a verse that shows up in several places in a short time frame? Isn't that just a wonderful reminder that God is speaking to us?

Last year, during Paul's fourth deployment, I was cruising along in my healing, battling demons of my past, releasing weight, and really seeking the Lord in everything I did. At one point, I had a verse come up three times in three different places within three days.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Now I like this verse for several reasons. First of all, isn't it always nice to know that the person in charge of your situation has no intentions of hurting you? And not only does He not intend to hurt us, but he actually wants to make everything better for us.... he has a PLAN!

Now I love to plan. I get all organized, sometimes I make lists. I play with numbers. Planning is great. Now follow through..... that I am not so good at. My organization tends to fall apart. My friend tells me I'm the most organized disorganized person she knows. It's true. Though I think I am discovering part of God's plan for me is to learn to be more organized and consistent in areas of my life that aren't... organized and consistent.

But thankfully when God has a plan... He follows through!

The second thing I like about this verse is the word declares. It is present tense. It does not say "declared the Lord", as in to the Isrealites. He is declaring it, still. He is declaring it.... to me. And you, too... but since this blog is about me, I'll stay focused on that. (hehe)

When out Christmas shopping (not too long after the before mentioned time frame where this verse kept popping up), I saw this verse written on the sail of a small sail boat. Now my husband is a sailor... in the Navy, but he also likes to sail... in sail boats. He took lessons when we lived in Illinois and fell in love with it. So I had already purchased a small sailboat for our livingroom decor.

So when I saw this one, I had to buy it. I knew this was a good verse for Paul as well. I think sometimes he worries about which direction to take, or how to best lead our family. I thought it would be a comfort to him, as well, to be reminded that God has not only a plan for him... but a wonderful plan for him and our family.

In April, a friend gave me a birthday present that was placed inside a decorative bag... with this verse written on it. And Tricia said, "Look Mommy, it has your verse on it!" I do not know if my friend got the bag on purpose because she remembered me talking about the verse several months before, or if it was a coincidence. Either way, we thought it was cool to have that verse on a Happy Birthday bag.

Then just this week, another wonderful friend of mine sent me an unexpected surprise in the mail... a Virginia care package for the family feeling a bit homesick for Virginia...(thank you so much wonderful friend, you know who you are!!! It was such a wonderful pick-me-up that I really needed!) Inside this care package was a card with a verse on it. You guessed it! Jeremiah 29:11 (and 13 too). I laughed. I don't know if this friend remembered our history with this verse, or if again it was a coincidence, but it was great to see it in there.

The next day as we went to our 6th new church (in seven weeks), I glanced at the bulletin they had handed us, and what do you suppose was written on the back? Right again! Jeremiah 29:11.

On the way home, I told Paul... "See Hon, God is reminding us that there is a reason we are here (in N.M.) and He has a plan for us."

This is always a good reminder to have. Last week, The Lord brought back some hope into my life for this whole church shopping process. And this week He brought more encouragement. Isn't our God such an Awesome God!

Father God, I thank you for the encouragement and hope you bring through your word and through your people. Thank you for using my friends to remind me once again of your love and your plans for us. As Jeremiah 29:13 says... You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.... remind me daily that I need to seek you with ALL of my heart, not just the parts that are already open. I love you, Lord. Amen.

A Trustworthy Saying...

2008-10-17T10:10:00.002-06:00

If we die with him,
we will also live with him.
If we endure hardship,
we will reign with him.
If we deny him,
he will deny us.
If we are unfaithful,
he remains faithful,
for he cannot deny who he is.

These are the words that Paul wrote while in prison to Timothy in 2 Timothy 2:11-13 (NLT).

I think this is a great reminder of where to put our priorities. When things get tough, it is ok. Each time we choose to die to self, to turn away from our fleshly desires... we will find life in Jesus. Kingdom life is so much more rewarding than the fleeting things of the world.

And when struggles come (which they always will), and we choose to endure and persevere, instead of giving in to the world... we will one day reign with Jesus, sharing in His inheritance.

But if we deny Jesus and turn to the world for everything we need... then on judgment day, we too will be denied. Personally, I'm not sure I can imagine any struggle here on earth that would be worse than to be denied by Jesus.

(And here's my favorite part) And if we lose our faith, if we become unfaithful and give up on Him..... He still will never give up on us! BECAUSE THIS IS WHO HE IS! Isn't that incredible?

It is so encouraging to me because I can look at these past weeks and see where I have struggled, see where I have lost faith and have chosen the world rather than to face hardships and struggles. I can see where I have lost my way (thankfully for just a short period of time), but I know that Jesus has not given up on me. He still has faith in me. He wants to live with me, struggle with me, reign with me.

All I have to do is repent and refocus.... turn back away from the world and its "cop out" solutions, and refocus on Jesus who is the giver of real life.

Lord Jesus, I thank you that You love us so much that you will never be unfaithful to us. You will never give up on us, even in our darkest times. Thank you that when we mess up, You are there waiting for us to turn back to You. Lord, forgive me for where I have put other things before You. And help me remember this trustworthy saying, this reminder you have given us through Your word. I love you. Amen.

A New Commitment

2008-10-15T11:37:00.002-06:00

In 2007, I made a huge commitment to take control of my life and especially my eating. I began to focus on growing in the Lord and facing the things in me that needed healing. Along the way, my eating habits changed. Eating appropriate portions was now second nature. I didn't graze all day, and I knew when to stop and more importantly when to not start at all.... and I lost almost 45 pounds.

The first 8 months of this year, I began to yoyo a bit. I was still facing very hard things, and my eating would swing a little. I'd gain a couple of pounds when I wasn't dealing with things, then I'd come to my senses and readjust... my eating and my progress towards healing, then I'd loose those couple of pounds. But I never began moving forward towards that ultimate goal of reaching my healthy weight range. It was frustrating to come so close to it and just stop making progress.

After leaving Virginia, things have been really tough, and I've been running from reality. I haven't wanted to face the fact that I've known this whole year.... sooner or later I have to face my anger. I have to work through it and release this pain that is causing it. I have not wanted to do this. So instead I've been hiding out a bit.... in food, in television, and even in housework. It is funny to me now that I have used something positive (keeping my house clean, something I have always struggled with before when I was escaping) to escape.

And although I thank the Lord each day that I have not gained more than two or three pounds, I am recognizing that I am eating when I'm not hungry. I'm eating more than I need because it tastes good and makes me feel better. I am reaching for that chocolate, or Mountain Dew, or homemade tortilla chips for reasons other than hunger. I am not exercising at all, which is a goal I wanted to work on once arriving here. The body that once seemed so much slimmer to me (178 is tiny compared to 243 three years ago), is now becoming more uncomfortable because I know it isn't where I need to be. After 10 months at this size, I have lost much of that sense of accomplishment.

I am again struggling with getting my mindset right. I need to be eating right for my health. I need to be exercising for my health. I need to be turning to God and not food for my health..... not just because I have 20 more pounds to lose to feel better about myself.

I have been trying to numb myself again, but it isn't really working like it used to. That is good news really, because it shows how far into reality I have really come. Once you begin to leave that world of denial, once your eyes have been opened to its deceptions and destruction... it is hard to go back.

So I am at a crossroads. I am at that point where I can clearly see the two roads before me. If I continue down the path I have been walking these past 6 or so weeks, I know that the path to denial will become longer and wider. It will become so much easier to travel. And with enough time, I will reach that destination. I will become engulfed back into that world of denial to the point where I may forget reality and once again be trapped in my own self-made hell. Although I said it is hard to go back, it is not impossible with enough time running away from reality. And I know deep in my heart that I do not want to return to this world.

So instead I must choose the second path. Although very narrow and sometimes filled with tribulation, this walk down the road of reality is where I will find joy, peace, and healing through my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. This is the road that leads to fulfillment and satisfaction. This is the road that leads to contentment and self purpose. This is the road that leads to salvation and everlasting life.

I have heard it preached that as a true believer, you are never really standing still. You are either moving forward toward growth and toward God, or you are slipping backwards away from Him. So as I take this very brief moment to stand and choose my path, I realize it is not two paths in front of me, but instead one before me and one behind. I know I must turn that 180 degrees away from the road behind me...this ever growing path that leads to everything the world cannot give me. That is the slippery road down and away from God.

Instead, I am choosing to make a new commitment... a re-commitment to walking forward. I am choosing to take that small scary path that will lead me in the exact opposite direction of where I have been. I want to move closer to God, not farther away from Him. I want to go where He wants to take me.

Something else I have realized about that slippery path down... every step you take brings you a step closer to forgetting what is really important. Spend enough time slipping away from God, and you will forget what He has done in your life. You will forget how He has changed your life. You will start to wonder where God is.... why can't you find Him? Where did He go? Why isn't He helping me? You will forget that He's not there because YOU walked away from Him.

Father God, please forgive me for slipping and sliding down this road of the world. I have been hiding and running by turning to things of this world instead of turning to You. I have allowed food and television to re-enter my heart in places that they don't belong.... places that belong to You. Please give me strength and courage to turn once again away from them and towards You. You are the source of everything I need. Thank you for Your everlasting love and patience. I love you. Amen.

Like Little Children

2008-10-13T11:02:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, Paul and I decided to attend the service at the post chapel.... just the two of us. The kids stayed home and enjoyed their Sunday off (the search is wearing on them, too). The service we attended was the Contemporary Gospel Service.

Going in, I do not think that either of us had any real hopes that this would be our church, but I also think that we both felt pretty strongly that we should go at least once just to check it out. In fact, I think that the Lord was prompting us to go... at least once.

Yep, it was Gospel. Not really our style of worship at all. It was amusing and entertaining (in a good way), but we both knew this was not what we were looking for. But God always has His reasons for asking us to do things, and after leaving this service I could recognize some lessons and reminders that were evident in this experience.

This church was almost the exact opposite from last week's service we attended at the "plastic" church, though amazingly there were a few similarities as well. It was like seeing an example of how the same situation can happen, but the behavior behind it can be exact opposites.

Again, the people were nice and friendly. The Pastor/Reverend came over to welcome us immediately. But this time, you could literally feel God's joy exuding from this man, and his whole family as a matter of fact, in the enthusiasm they displayed in their excitement to praise and worship the Lord. "Each day is a gift, and a day to come together to worship the Lord is a special gift." This is the message you get just by being near this family of God, actions speak so much louder than words.

And like last week, the family was in charge of the whole service. His wife did all the announcements. His daughter was the sole vocalist while his son-in-law played with a couple others in the worship band. Pretty much it was a whole family affair. But This service has an extremely small congregation, so I got the impression this was due to necessity and not control issues (last week we got the impression that they didn't want anyone else involved because they wanted to be in control of everything). The pastor invited my husband to read the Bible passage, as well as calling out to others in the middle of the service to help. They seemed to find great joy in including everyone around them.

And the worship, although not our cup of tea, was authentic. They were not putting on a show for the people, striving for beauty and perfection... they were putting on a show for God! It is amazing the difference in those two concepts when you see them both back to back.

But the highlight of this service was the pastor's wife. She sat in that second to front pew, only feet from her husband as he gave his message. He didn't really use his notes, he was going on and on getting more and more in the spirit, letting God's words flow through him as he preached. And with each statement he made, his wife excitedly yelled "yes" or "Amen" or "Hallelujah". She would clap her hands in excitement and jump up in the air. I couldn't really see her face very well because I was two rows behind her, but her entire countenance seemed to be one of an excited child hearing wonderful news. She was bursting with excitement and could not contain herself. It was like watching a child on Christmas morning just before they are to open their presents. You know, that excitement that is so contagious.

Of course this brought to mind the gospels and the story of the little children who were brought to Jesus, so I looked them up this morning. I'll cite all three, but I'm only going to post one since they are so similar....

Mark 10:13-16 (New Living Translation)

Jesus Blesses the Children

13 One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him.

14 When Jesus saw what was happening, he was angry with his disciples. He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. 15 I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” 16 Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them.

(Also.... Matthew 19:13-15 and Luke 18:15-17)

I have heard this passage before, and I have heard sermons preached on this. I have looked upon my own child as an example of what it looks like to come to the Lord like a child. Her faith is so strong, and she has an amazing relationship with the Lord. But I have to admit this is the first time I have seen this message lived out so well in the life of an adult. It was a pure joy to watch this 60 something year old woman loving her Lord with the heart of a child.

As the Pastor finished his sermon (and hundreds of "amens"), everyone gathered up front, holding hands and singing together before parting for the day.... and I could feel the Lord in that place. I could feel His spirit in that room, and it gave me hope. Hope that we will find what we are looking for. We will find Him in the places He leads us.

I also realized something else... it can be so easy to get caught up in thinking that your church is right and all the others must be missing something if they don't do it your way. And I do still think that some churches are just missing it.... I have been to a few now where I have not felt God's presence and there is definitely something missing spiritually.... but that is not really what I am talking about.

I loved my church in Virginia.... the worship was awesome, the sermons were great, the people wonderful. The fellowship and love between the people was genuine. And it was easy sometimes to wonder why everyone doesn't do things our way... aren't they missing how great it is?

But in this service this week, God was there! He was flowing in His spirit, and He was blessing the people there. It wasn't the style we like, and it is not where we want to settle.... but it was amazing for the people who come there each and every Sunday. I can only imagine that they might be thinking the same thing I have.... "It is so wonderful here with God in this place... why doesn't everyone want to worship like this? Aren't they missing out on something wonderful?"

Although I do not believe that God brought us to that place to find our new home, I do believe that He brought us there to teach us something important. The lesson? God truly does speak to each person and each culture and each congregation in the ways they need Him to. (While staying biblically consistent... I'm not talking about some of the crazy religions out there where they think God is speaking to them in the way that applies only to them.) And just because something is different from what you like or what you have experienced, that doesn't mean it isn't exactly right for someone else. That is a good reminder.

I also believe that God wanted me to see what it really looks like, in the life of an adult.... to come to the father as a little child does. He wanted to remind me what joy and excitement He wants to bring into my life again. He wants to see me get this excited about each and every day to serve and worship Him. He wants me to exude such enthusiasm and excitement into the lives of others who are desparate to feel His presence.

But here's the real question..... Can I let go? Can I let go of the anger and the pain? Can I let go to heal the anger and the pain? Can I let go and let God come into my life in the fullness that HE desires?

I think it is so easy in our "grown-up" world to only let God in on levels that are comfortable for us... but we are still keeping some walls up. But when you look at a child, what do you see? I often see that a child either has all the walls up, or all the walls down. They either trust or they don't. It isn't until they get older that they begin to see all the shades of gray that confuses everything.

And I don't think God wants us living in gray..... He wants us living in his light! He wants us living in His glory, not in darkness, and not in the middle either. But how to we find our way out of this grayness that consumes our lives? How do we get past these gray concrete walls that we've built to protect ourselves, but all we are really doing is imprisoning ourselves away from God's light?

Lord God, thank you for every moment and every experience you use in our lives to teach us something important about You. Thank you for renewing my hope and showing me again that I will find You when You are leading my path. Lord, I ask that You shine Your light on the gray areas in my life, and that You will give me the strength to let go of them so You can knock down the walls that need to come down. Help me let go so I can be completely filled with Your joy, exuding excitement and enthusiasm for You..... excitement that will be contagious to those around me. I love You. Amen.

Mountain Top Experience

2008-10-08T22:30:00.005-06:00

Many in the Christian circles will use the expression "mountain top experience" to describe a time in their walk with God that is a great high. A time where everything is going right and you are filled with God's glory, blessing and promises. You know exactly where you are and who you belong to. The cares of the world cannot even touch you because you are so engulfed in the Kingdom of God.

This, of course, is not where I am currently at. My current mountain experience is more literal.... well maybe a bit figurative as well.

I am surrounded by beautiful mountains... on three sides of us are these huge mountains. They are breathtaking to look at. Amazing to see these creations of our almighty God. But when you actually think about what all would be involved in reaching the tops of them? It is quite overwhelming.

Right now I feel as though these physical mountains that are surrounding me also represent the obstacles and trials I am experiencing here in this place. I am being surrounded, at least on three sides..... but maybe that side that is still open is the path to God? It feels like I am completely surrounded by struggles, pain, isolation, doubt, anger.... all these things I want to run away from. But somehow in the midst of this, I am still ignoring that open path. The one that leads to Jesus.

I have mountains to climb, huge mountains to conquer on this journey to healing. But I am afraid of these mountains, so I just sit here and watch them. I look up and see how high they are, how rugged they are. And I don't want to go there. I keep forgetting that I do not have to go there alone. All I can see is that if I start trekking up this peak on my own, I am going to fail.

And I am completely right.

I cannot do this on my own. I need a tour guide. I need a man of experience who knows all the answers... a savior to lead the way up this huge mountain.

So why do I insist on being stubborn? Why do I ignore the signs of help? Why do I stay on the paths that lead to distruction? I know I am on them. I have been fighting them for weeks now, but in my own strength. And that is why I am failing to make any progress at all.

Lord God, I know I cannot do this myself yet I am so stubborn. I know that when we get to the point where we realize we cannot do it, that it is just too much... that is exactly where you want us. Because it is in these moments that we can truly see how much we need you, that you are the answer. I do not think I am there yet... at least not in my heart, because I am still running. I hear you speaking your truths to me, but they are not sinking in. Lord, I am afraid to climb this mountain and deal with this pain and anger, and so I keep running. But running away from this is also running from you, and I do not want this either. Please help me surrender all of this to you. Help me open up my heart and fully trust that you can and will lead me up this mountain. Help me stop running. I love you. Amen.

Stained Glass Masquerade

2008-10-07T07:54:00.003-06:00

by Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

*Chorus*
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who’s been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who’s traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Chorus x2

Well if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small
---------------------------------------------------

I have always loved this song, since the first time I heard it. It would remind me of what my church was NOT like. It helped me remember that I was around people who loved me and really wanted to know who the real me was, and they were real themselves. They were there for me when I was hurting and needing help and prayer. If I walked in the door and painted on a smile, or said I was fine when I wasn't... someone would just look at me and say "Are you sure? You don't look like everything is fine." And they would share and seek prayer for their problems as well, instead of pretending everything was just fine. I had learned through this family of mine that the love of Jesus was enough to make them stay. It was a wonderful place to be.

This Sunday, we chose to listen to this song as we pulled away from the church service we had just attended. Only this time, it was not a reminder of what we already had.... it was a reminder of what we do not want.

Have you ever been to a church where everything was just too perfect? Where everyone is just trying too hard? Where it seems like they are putting on a show rather than truly worshipping the Lord?

The people were nice, and we were encouraged when we walked in hearing Jars of Clay in the background. They were playing contemporary Christian music leading up to the beginning of the worship. People welcomed us and introduced themselves. The Pastor came by to say hi. The youth pastor came over to talk to Nikki. Real people, real relationships. That's what their website said.

Then the four pastors took their places on stage and began to lead their "incredible worship". (This was the headline that caught my eye in their add and what brought us to this church in the first place.) Unfortunately, their idea of incredible worship was not our idea of incredible worship. When the worship began, we immediately felt like we were in the middle of a Tammy Faye Baker Telethon. Nothing about their worship seemed real to us. It was not genuine. But it looked good. Almost perfect.

I had a really hard time with this one. I kept trying to reconcile in my head the differences between what I read and heard with what we saw. The message this church wants to proclaim is extremely good. Relationship, not religion.... Believing the Bible from cover to cover..... Powerful prayer works miracles in our lives.... and so on. This is what I read on their website, and these same words were spoken in their sermons. This is what I am looking for.

So if this is the message that you believe and preach, then how is it that you can be so plastic? This church is saying they believe all these things, yet they give off the image of performing for perfection... putting on a show... unrealistic optimism.

During the service as I was sensing these things, I had a hard time determining whether I was accurate in my assessments, or if it was triggering what I call my "mother filter". She is a hyper-positive person that says all the right things but I do not believe in her sincerity at all. So was I just sensing something that wasn't there because of her? Or was this really a problem?

I got my answer at the end of the service when my husband (who does not have my "mother filter" problem), turned to me and started reciting the Casting Crowns lyrics, "shiny plastic people".... so he got them a little wrong, but I knew what he was talking about.

I thought back to the red flags I did see on their website. They put an incredible amount of focus and emphasis on how qualified its leaders are, all the degrees they possess, and how if you want to join the music team you must audition and be prepared to handle criticism and comments from their musical leaders/professionals. (I'm not sure they used the words professionals, but it was clear that is what they meant.) There were a lot of mixed messages, I was just hoping the side I liked would be the winner.... but this was not the case.

As I watched all the pastors in complete charge of every aspect of this service, I recognized that I do not want to be in such a controlled/controlling environment. I don't want to be micromanaged by my church leadership. There is no real freedom there, no matter how much you preach about relationships and love.

So that brings me back to my original question... How can I reconcile the complete differences in what is being preached and what I see? I do believe that they "believe" what they are saying, but somehow they are still getting it all wrong.

Then I thought of my mother. I know my mother "believes" in all her new age positive mantra as well. But she just doesn't know how insincere she seems. She wants to believe so badly, that she has herself fooled, and the enemy has her right where he wants her.

And the answer came to me... They do not know how plastic they are! They think they have all the answers and are on the right track. They actually think their worship is incredible. They don't know they are missing the "real" in real relationships, real people.

This made me sad. Sad to know and to see exactly how Satan can even have believers all wrapped up in his web. He has them fooled, maybe not as badly as my mother... but nonetheless, they are missing a huge key and don't even know it.

Lord God, please open up the eyes of the lost... those who are lost in the world as well as those who are lost in the church. Help them see what is real and who you really are. Help me keep a positive attitude with each church we visit... like Edison who said "I haven't failed, I just found 999 ways NOT to make a light bulb!"..... we aren't failing in our search to find a home church, we are just finding churches that don't fit us. Give us wisdom and discernment with each visit. And thank you for each lesson you are teaching us in the search. I love you. Amen.

Here We Go Again

2008-10-04T23:56:00.002-06:00

Sunday number five.... church number four.

This time, we opened up the phone book to take a cruise along its entries for local Las Cruces churches. Paul found one he was interested in trying, but I decided to take a look also. I turned to the nondenominational section and one jumped out at me (though not the one Paul had chosen). Its name was just mentioned to me last night in fact.... but the person who was talking about it actually said their church was near this one. But still, the name was familiar.

Then I checked out the ad located at the top of the page, and the words "incredible worship" screamed from the pages. This is a very important factor for my husband and I, and the main reason we didn't love last week's church.

I turned to it's website, and this church says it's best known for it's "incredible Praise and Worship Music and a dynamic Youth and Children’s Ministry". There is also a lot of talk about "relationship, not religion.... real worship, real people.....spirit filled, praying, praising power-packed church that believes the Bible from cover to cover".... and programs for the whole family.

Again, I see a church that looks great on paper, but what will we find when we get there? Each week I get all excited about what I read, but then feel a bit let down afterwards. And each week gets a little worse as our wait continues. In some ways, it almost feels foolish to get all excited and put my hope in something only to have it deflated week after week.

But tonight I made a realization and a decision. It's ok to get excited about what I read. Afterall, how silly would it be to walk into a church, hoping to find my fit, without being even the least bit excited. Shouldn't we all be excited at the opportunity to meet with the Lord each Sunday morning? That was my realization.

And here's my decision.... I am going to continue to walk into each church we visit with an open heart and mind, seeking the Lord. And if this is not the right church for us, I will not be disappointed or feel foolish for my excitement. Instead, I will choose to look forward to the next opportunity the Lord gives me to be excited about a another possibility. I know my fit is out there somewhere, and God will help me find it.

Lord Jesus, you know our hearts and our desires, and I ask you to help us in this process of finding the right church home for us. Guide us and lead us in the direction we should go, and please make it completely clear to us when we are (or are not) in the place you want us to be. Thank you for working in our lives. I love you. Amen.

Still Waiting

2008-09-30T13:33:00.002-06:00

So I can't help but wonder if I am being especially picky, or is it a good thing to be so choosey when it comes to finding a new church home. I am also a bit frustrated how things can look so good "on paper" (or websites in this twenty first century) yet seem a bit lacking in reality.

As we picked up Justin from his Sunday school class this past Sunday, the teacher said something to him about seeing him next week. His answer was, "probably not". This confused the teacher a bit, but it made Paul and I laugh. We explained that this was the third church we had visited in four weeks. She jokingly said to just pick one and settle down.

But I am finding this harder in reality to do than it is to say.

With each visit, I really hope this will be the one. I really want it to be the one. I get excited at the programs and classes offered, the social prospects listed on each website. Some have come with high praises and recommendations. But so far, there has not been peace in my spirit, so my wandering will continue.

This process is making me realize two very specific things.... first, it is showing me how good I had it in Virginia. It is making me realize how much I miss everyone there and the whole dynamic of our church there. Secondly, it is reminding me how much I do not like to wait.

As I was laying on my bed last night thinking about how long this process might last and how I am so tired of waiting, a startling realization... actually a complete "duh!" moment suddenly crashed through my consciousness.

This entire year has been about waiting!

How could I have forgotten this? The past 10 months has been a process of waiting.... waiting on the Lord... waiting on orders... on a van... to move... for housing (we had to stay in temporary housing over a week in limbo).

I can be a very impatient person, and waiting is not very easy for me... but this year much of my waiting has been easier than normal because I knew I was waiting on God to move in my life. I should realize this is still true on this particular journey as well. But somehow I had forgotten these past weeks that there is something to learn in the wait.

I am also forgetting to turn to the Lord with each visit, with each website looked at. I am not asking Him where He wants us. I have been so hungry to find our place that I have also forgotten this part of the equation.

I know that God has brought us here to New Mexico, and I know He has the perfect fit for us. But until I start turning to Him, listening to Him, how can I really expect to find the answer?

Lord God, I thank you for the patience You have with each of Your children. As we wander off on our own trying to find our own way, You gently wait for us to come to our senses and refocus on you. Please help me always remember to seek You first, and help me remember that waiting brings the opportunity to practice patience. Lord, place us where You want us and show us the way we should go. I love you. Amen.

Staying Clean

2008-09-24T12:57:00.003-06:00

I am a slob.

Plain and simple.

I do not like to clean up after myself or others, especially my children. I do not like the consistancy involved in teaching my children to clean up after themselves regularly. I have lacked training and discipline in my life, and many times this has gotten me into trouble, especially when slob merges with pack-rat.

Not pretty.

But this morning as I was looking around my kitchen that is just beginning to collect a little clutter, and I realized something quite magnificent! God has prepared me for this HUGE house! Isn't that so cool?

When I lived in a largish apartment in Virginia, I got myself into trouble all of the time. I couldn't keep anything clean and tidy. My house was in a constant state of chaos. But to be honest, most of my life was in a constant state of chaos, especially my eating.

I would let things go for weeks, not wanting to clean. It would build and build and build. And then when I could finally stand it no more, I would put all this effort and work into getting things done (usually in anger). Then I would feel like I shouldn't have to do any of this again for a long time because afterall, I just worked my butt off.... and then it would build and build and build. Never ending cycle.

I was embarrassed to have anyone over. My "clean" wasn't as good as many people's "messy". I would stop by someone's house and hear, "Please excuse the mess!"..... the only problem? I would look around and think my clean isn't even close to this. It was discouraging, but I really wasn't willing or ready to do anything about it.

After I began to take control of my life, starting to get "cleaned up" so to speak, things began to change, a little. I began to get my eating addiction under control, and after awhile I was beginning to get ready to tackle the other disabling problem in my life.... the clutter.

God used a move to a small apartment to help shove me through that door. To the amazement of many of my friends, I got rid of half the stuff in my house. Many might think I am exaggerating here, but I am not. If you are going to move from 1700 sq.ft. with outdoor space to 1000 sq.ft. with no outdoor space, then you have to be willing to let go of some of your stuff.

I spent six weeks slowly moving in one car full of stuff at a time. Each load I would find a home for each item until everything had its place, then I'd return for another load. At the end I had to finish giving away or throwing away what would not fit in the new apartment.

Once we got settled in, we learned very quickly that when you live in a small place, it does not take very long, or very much stuff, before things get cluttered and messy. What used to take weeks to drive me crazy now took only a day or two of neglect before I would stop everything to clean up again. I was finally learning some discipline and consistancy.

I also began to realize that part of my slob problem was rooted in the fact that I did not want to take responsibility for the fact that this was my job. I was responsible for maintaining my home, and teaching my children to clean up after themselves. No one else was going to do it. By not doing it I was only hurting my family. And being lazy. Boy, that's a hard one to swallow, isn't it? Not always fun to own up to your shortcomings and then try to do something about them.

I lived in that apartment for a whole year, almost to the day. Twleve months of doing my dishes every day instead of every three or four. When your kitchen is as small as that one was, there is no place to leave more than one or two meals of dirty dishes, especially the way I cook with numerous pots and pans.

We only had one room that was large, and I wanted it as roomy as possible to help the apartment not feel like it was closing in on me. You see, I had lived in a 900 sq.ft. mobile home in Illinois several years ago that became known as "my box". Small spaces aren't too bad at first, but after awhile they will close in on you if you don't keep your stuff under control. I did not learn discipline and consistancy from my box... instead I learned that I didn't like child services coming to my door for environmental neglect.

SO knowing I did not want to get myself into the trouble I was in before (letting my stuff control and disable me in my small space), I worked hard at keeping up with my work. My clean was still not as good as other's clean, but I also learned to be comfortable with my environment, knowing I was learning and working hard. As a natural slob, I tend to forget the deep cleaning stuff that truly makes a clean house shine. I don't know if my house will ever shine, but I'm ok with that!

Even though I worked hard not to increase our stuff in our little house, we still managed to move 10,000 pounds of household goods to New Mexico. Twice what they estimated per room. But in my defense, I do have a lot of furniture... and yarn... and computers... and instruments. But bottom line, I think I did a pretty good job only bringing stuff we actually use. I don't have boxes that have been packed for years... you know the ones. You don't even know what's in them cause you haven't opened it in three or five years. When you have no storage, that stuff is the first to go.

So we arrive here, were assigned quarters almost two and a half times bigger than what we had at Fort Monroe, and when you think about it... it could take a long time to get this place very messy. With all of this space, things can collect quite a bit before it gets crazy. So this is where the preparation comes in.

As I looked around my kitchen at my little bit of clutter, and thought of the couple of loads of laundry that needed to be put away, and the shoes and toys in the living room that needed their homes, a delicious thought occured to me.

I wanted to clean it up before it got bad.

That is SOOOO cool! After a day or two of letting it go, I was ready to get it cleaned up. I don't want to wait until "I have to"... I wanted to do it now before it becomes a problem. God really used that time in my little apartment not only to train me, but to prepare me for being able to handle the responsibily of such a large house.

I am to the point where I like things straightened up. The laziness still rears its ugly head every now and then, but I have learned to say no to it 9 out of 10 times. I have learned to tell my self that I may not want to do it, but I need to do it because it has to get done.

Wow! I think I'm growing up!

Lord Jesus, thank you for this amazing house You have given us. And thank you for preparing and training me this past year to be able to keep up with all it entails. Remind me when I need to give myself grace, and when I need to give myself a good kick in the butt. Please help me stay consistant and not backtrack on any of my acquired discipline. Lord, help me live and work for Your glory. I love you. Amen.

Still Looking....

2008-09-24T08:34:00.003-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, Paul and I took the kids down to El Paso to try out a Vineyard there. After our experience at the other church that was so far out of our comfort zone that we knew it was not a good fit for us, we hoped we would have better luck here. As a Vineyard church, it was definately more comfortable. Although we didn't know the songs, it was in the same style of music we were used to. The atmosphere was more what we were accustomed to, and the teaching was good. And the younger two kids really like the Children's Church program that they offer.

But as I was standing there Sunday during worship, I started thinking about if it was really the right fit. Sometimes we have those pants that are oh so comfortable, but just because something is comfortable doesn't mean it is the right fit.

When I was talking to my friend a couple of months ago about a church she visited, she told me that she loved it immediately because so many people came up to them to welcome them. They wanted to talk to her and get to know her and her family. They were so happy to see them visit, and this made my dear friend feel very good.

Of course, with my people issues that I have been working through this past year.... I immediately said, "I like it when people don't talk to me." That was the part I always dreaded most and made me feel so uncomfortable. I was one of those unusual people who preferred to be left alone.

But as I was standing there this second Sunday in a row, I began to realize that maybe the Lord has brought me even farther than I had thought. Because as I was standing there and realizing that NO ONE was coming up to us and welcoming us.... not a hello, we are happy to see you.... No one asking us if we were new (aside from the first visit when the greeter showed us where to take the kids) or where are we from or how'd you hear about us..... that we could walk right out feeling like no one would notice our presence, or absence for that matter..... I realized that I did care about being noticed, being welcomed, seeing that people did care whether or not we were there. The fact of the matter was that the only conversations we had were ones where we approached the pastor and youth leader and initiated them. And that was the first Sunday. No one talked to us at all the second Sunday.

I began to think about why we were there. Being in somewhat of a state of seclusion these past several weeks, I am hungry for fellowship. I am hungry to a point where I am willing to let it push me out of my comfort zone. (I am even seeing this same thing in my shy introverted daughter who is afraid to meet people..... but she doesn't want to be stir crazy anymore and has a need for friends that is pushing harder than her need to be comfortable.)

If all I was interested in was good worship music and teaching, I could download that and watch it at home. These are important aspects to our Sunday worship time with God, and I know I get more out of something live than taped. But the bottom line is that what drives us out of the house each Sunday morning is needing intimacy with God's people as well as with God. You can't get that sitting at home and watching a service online.

At this point, I am not sure about how this church fits. Is it too early to tell? Do we need to give it more time? Or do we need to continue our search? I don't know if this is like a pair of pants that fit and I just am not sure if I like them yet? Or do I like the pants ok because they are comfortable but they don't fit right? These are questions I have been asking myself this week.

Then on Monday night, Paul and I attended a Christian home school group meeting. As we were getting to know some of the ladies afterward, the subject of churches came up. One gal was talking about one of the services here on base that is led by a couple she calls "completely blessed". She told us that listening to the sermon was like watching the Holy Spirit. She said she doesn't think He remembers half of what he says because so much of the sermon is the Holy Spirit moving through him. That sounds neat to me.

Now we had avoided going to a service on a base chapel because we know how limiting a service run by a chaplain can be. You know, the whole separation of church and state. (I have read articles where chaplains have gotten in trouble for speaking the name of Jesus.) We did not expect to find a spirit filled service. Paul didn't want to waste his Sunday on a watered down bland service. But this pastor isn't military. He's not a Chaplain, so he isn't regulated by the government. I wouldn't mind giving it a try sometime... even though the music is gospel and we normally are not fans of gospel music. But I'm not ready to rule it out yet.

Then we also got into a conversation with another gal who just loves her church. They visited for the first time ten years ago, and she fell in love with it immediately. What drew her to this church is finding a church body where the people loved the Lord and they want to walk with Him every day, not just Sundays. She said they were the most honest people she had ever met, and she has found no hypocracy. If people need help, prayer, whatever... they ask rather than try to pretend everything is ok. There was even a major split in the church years ago between the pastor and the congregation, and at the end, the leaders stood up and said, "We screwed up. We need to figure out where we went wrong and fix it so it doesn't happen again." Then they spent the next year studying God's design of church leadership.... using their Bibles. One of their statements online was about leading a church according to God's word, not politics and church doctrine.

I could completely understand where she was coming from. It is so refreshing to be part of a body that cares more about their relationship with God and serving Him then all the nonsense that can rule and destroy a church. She told me that after all this time, she still does not know what lead to the split because there is no gossip and talking behind people's backs in this crowd.

It is a baptist church, and I haven't always had the best experiences or heard the best things about baptists churches, but preconceived notions can often be wrong. I don't think under normal circumstances I would choose to go to a Baptist church. (Turns out the church leader on post is Baptist as well.) But under normal circumstances I wouldn't have wanted to come to New Mexico either. But I don't want to stay at a Vineyard church just because it is comfortable. I do not believe that God brought us 2000 miles to be comfortable.

I want to keep an open mind. I want to see that God has some higher plan, and I think He is calling us to think outside the box. But as we try out these new places that have been recommended to us (a great part due to the people there)... I will remember a word that was given to us in prayer before we came.

A friend praying for us told us to remember to not make it about the people. When we go into a new church, don't just look at the people to decide if it is the right place. Instead, we need to seek God and look for His Spirit moving through that church. But of course, one of the ways His spirit moves is through His people. But I think the point is that I don't just want to be at a church where there are nice and sweet people doing good things. I want to be in a church body where God's spirit is living and moving through them, bringing about God's fruit.

My husband and children have seemed content at this new Vineyard, so I felt a little uncertain bringing up my concerns with him, not knowing exactly where he stood in all of this. But I also knew that the Holy Spirit was promting me to keep looking. So as I began this discussion with Paul, I asked him, "Does it bother you any that no one has come up to talk to us at church?"

And then he said... "Now that you mention it..." , and we both realized that we were indeed somewhat on the same page. God is awesome. I love how almost every time I'm nervous about bringing something up to my husband, something I think the Lord is telling me but also something that he seems content with... in reality, the Lord is already speaking to his spirit about it, even though sometimes he doesn't realize it until after I bring it up.

So he agreed that he liked this Vineyard because it was comfortable, and not necessarily because it was the right fit. And although he likes being comfortable, he agrees that we should probably keep looking for a better fit. I love this wonderful man the Lord has given me! He is so supportive, and mostly unselfish. His heart is chasing after God, and we are on a wonderful adventure together!

Lord Jesus, thank you for all of the wisdom and opportunities you are opening up for us. Please help us hear your voice and follow your will for us in our search for the right fit. Place us in the church body that you want us to serve and grow in. Thank you for the new relationship opportunities you are bringing into our lives, and keep moving us away from comfortable and always toward you. I love you. Amen.

Letting Go So God Can Take Over

2008-09-18T14:45:00.005-06:00

I have a friend that I have not seen since Justin was a baby, maybe even longer ago... I can't remember. Actually, I think maybe it was around my birthday when I was pregnant with Justin. Anyway, this friend recently got in touch with me via the internet and has started to read my blog.

Although she grew up "in the church", she has not yet received Christ.... but boy is the Lord chasing after her!

She asked me, "How are you able to let go and let God take over?"

I tried to answer as best I could, but as I am sure many of you would agree, this is not an easy question to answer. I have seen friends who have been believers for decades still struggle with this. I even wrote an entry in July about how hard it can be to let go and surrender to God.

SO that got me thinking. If it is hard for us as believers to do it, knowing what we know and having experienced the amazing power of God in our lives.... than how much harder (and scarier) is it for someone who is still seeking?

I read the words my friend has written to me, and it amazes me the knowledge she has already soaked in. She has a lot of head knowledge (as I like to call it) about Jesus and what it means to be a believer, but this head knowledge hasn't quite become heart knowledge yet.

Isn't that where we all get into trouble? Even when we understand something logically (head knowledge), when we don't feel it (heart knowledge), it somehow hinders us from moving forward. It can prevent us from letting go and surrendering. If you think about it, surrendering your will to someone else is very scary, especially if you do not know or trust the one you are surrendering to.

I think back to four years ago when I became a believer. I knew there was something desperately missing in my life. And I think the Lord had his hooks into me by the time I showed up at PVCF. As I went through the ALPHA course, I acquired a lot of that head knowledge that I did not yet have. In the midst of it all, I took the plunge and asked Jesus into my heart. I became a believer. But I am not so sure I really surrendered my life to God at that time.

He began to change my heart, and I was definitely a new creation in Christ, but I had trust issues that really prevented me from truly surrendering my life to the Lord. Of course I couldn't really see them so much back then. It wasn't until a year after I came to the Lord when He first asked me, "Why don't you trust me?"

Even though I was trying my best to "surrender" to the Lord, He knew what was in my heart... my fears, my trust issues, my control issues. He knew what was in there that was really preventing me from letting go. I wasn't really letting Him work in my life the way He wanted to. So the next few months were filled with obstacles in my life that the Lord used to show me I could indeed trust him.

After that, true trust began to build slowly, as did my confidence. I began to reach a point where I knew I could step out and do something new and scary, because God was growing my faith and had shown Himself faithful. I knew in my heart and not just my head that He would see me through anything and everything.

My friend is so close to a life altering decision, one I think in her heart she wants to make. She has even said she isn't sure what is stopping her. She hears the Lord whispering His love for her. She sees that the Lord is knocking on the door to her heart. She recognizes that when she opens that door, it won't just be a crack... it'll be thrown wide open. And she knows when she finally surrenders, she will be so much happier.... and saved.

Lord God, thank you that you love every one of your children, and Your desire is to bring each and every one of them to You. I lift up my friend to You and ask that You continue to pursue her. I ask that You open her eyes and heart even further towards You, Father, and keep whispering in her ear how much You love her. Place the people in her path that can help her seek You even more. Thank you for the work You have already been doing in her Godly husband and in her children. Please give me the words You would have for me to speak truth into her life. And thank you for reminding me how precious it is to surrender to You. I love you, Lord. Amen.

Remembering the Good Things

2008-09-17T22:03:00.002-06:00

Have you ever had to break up with someone? A boyfriend or girlfriend? A friend? Maybe even a husband or wife?

In my younger years, I was almost always the dumper in my relationships with boys. But as far as friendships went, they often either faded away or exploded. Not really one person ending it.... the friendships just ceased to exist. Fade aways just seem to happen, and sometimes it is awhile before you realize it. No drama. No chaos. No hurt feelings. Just circumstances of life, like moving away or switching schools. Living a military lifestyle, I have seen many friendships come and go for the simple reason that one of us moved, and we never stayed in touch.

But I have also had some tumultuous relationships that ended very poorly. Feelings are hurt. There is a lot of anger on either side. There is nothing attractive left about the other person. Often we are happy to see these friendships go... never to look back again.

But what happens when the person you have to break up with is someone you love?

I remember as a teen hearing of my cousin, who was five years older than me, breaking up with her boyfriend of five years because he didn't want to get married, and she thought five years was long enough to wait. She loved him, in fact her whole family loved him. But she wanted a family, and she wasn't willing to sit around and wait another five or ten years for that commitment.

Sometimes there are circumstances in life that create the necessity to end a relationship with someone you really care about. I think this can be so much harder than just ending a bad relationship.

As someone who has had problems with codependency, I was the fix it person. I was the caretaker. I wanted to do everything for everyone else. And it got to the point where I realized this was creating problems in one of my relationships. I couldn't stop trying to "help" my friend, and I had allowed her to depend on me in ways that were not healthy for either of us. The Lord asked me to surrender this friendship.

I loved my friend very much, and I didn't want to hurt her... but I knew I needed to do what the Lord was asking me to. Unfortunately, afterwards I didn't know how to be around her. I couldn't talk to her. To be honest, I couldn't even look at her. And I know this hurt her very deeply.

Now I am in New Mexico, and the extreme stress of physical interaction is no longer present. And now I am left with my memories. I am left to acknowlege the importance that this person played in my life. I am left to greive the absense of a friendship that meant a whole lot to me.

It is common for codependents to look back and romanticise the circumstances of their relationship, wanting to go back and just be a part of it again because they have forgotten the reasons why it was unhealthy. This is not what I am trying to do. I know what aspects of the friendship were unhealthy, and I recognize that we can never go back to the way it was.

But I also think to not look back and remember the good things about my friend (and our friendship) would be a disservice to both of us. And to be honest, I need closure. I need healing. And I want to remember the good things.

My friend is a beautiful woman of God.

She has a heart so big that she wants to help everyone around her. (She may not always be able to help, but she wants to.)

She has a way with people that is truly a gifting from God.

She can talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime with her sweet smile and enchanting southern drawl.

She knows how to draw someone out of their shell and really listen to them.

She always tries to look for the good in a person, and then she'll tell you what that is.

She has a love for the Lord that she is not afraid to let anyone else see.

She is deeply devoted to anyone she considers family.

She is one of the most loving people I have ever met.

She is gentle and patient (even with babies running around her).

She will always tell you how much she appreciates something you have done for her.

If there is something wrong, she wants to talk it out and fix the problem.

She has a silly sense of humor that makes everyone around her laugh.

She is constantly singing silly made up songs to make her loved ones laugh. (And leaving voice mail singing telegrams.)

She gives people endearing nicknames.

She makes awesome chicken enchilladas.

She is devoted to her husband, and passionate about her children.

She loves her friend's children as if they were her own.

She will befriend almost anyone.

She is kind and gentle in spirit.

She is a prayer warrior.

She is a survivor.

She has more strength than she knows.

I will miss my friend dearly, and I pray for the day when Jesus brings us back together again. I hope that she can forgive me for where I have fallen short and know deep inside I never meant to hurt her. I hope she will remember the good things in her memories as well.

Lord Jesus, I ask for healing and closure not only for myself, but for my friend as well. Please bring her comfort as she greives, just as I know you will comfort me. Help us both see what your plan is in our lives. Help us heal and grow in you, Lord, so that one day we may be able to meet again and begin anew, building a healthy foundation for a new friendship. Let her know how much I have loved her, and how much I love her still. I love you, Lord. Amen.

Painful Days

2008-09-16T22:01:00.002-06:00

September has always been a good month in our household. We celebrate the births of the two guys I love most on this earth. Justin's birthday is early in the month, and Paul's at the very end.... but sandwiched in between are other birthdays for loved ones who are currently not a part of my life. And these days are proving to be quite painful for me this year.

Thoughts and memories of these individuals have flooded my mind lately, and with them brings much sorrow and pain. Relationships have been ended or put on hold for Godly reasons, but that doesn't stop the hurt I must process whether I want to or not. Even though I did what I had to do, there is still loss to greive. My heart aches, and I am not sure what to do with it.

I wanted to run from my pain, and while in Virginia the circumstances allowed me to do that for awhile. But I knew all along that once settled in New Mexico, it would catch up with me again. And as it turned out, God has used the timing of this month to insure I'd be found. I can't hide from it anymore. I can't put it off until some other time because that time has come.

I don't have quite the same support system I had before. I can't just pick up and run off to so and so's house for encouragement and prayer. Instead I have to lean exclusively on the two most important men in my life.... Jesus and my husband, Paul. I am sure this is part of God's timing as well.

Denial is such a harsh world to live in. And even as we come out of denial and begin to recognize the reality around us, there can still be such a numbing power over us that stops us from fully walking into that reality. I have stepped out of a dysfunctional world, choosing to walk away from it and seek healing, knowing that there would be pain to work through and process. But I was letting the power of denial work it's numbing magic on me to put off actually going through the steps of processing that pain. But sooner or later the novocaine must wear off and the effect will be felt. And then the healing can begin.

Lord, the pain is deep and it is raw. And I don't want to go through this process. But I know that You are here for me every step of the way. I thank You for Your faithfulness. You promise in Your word that You will never forsake us. Please give me the strength to take these last steps into reality, and help me receive Your healing. I love you. Amen.

The Sweet Heart of a Distructive Child

2008-09-14T19:18:00.002-06:00

My son just turned seven. Being the youngest and only boy of the family, he constantly amazes me with how different he is from his sisters. As a little boy not yet at the age of reason, his choices are not always very good ones. But no matter what kind of trouble he gets himself into, he remains a boy with a very sweet and tender heart.

Our new backyard is flooded with grasshoppers. I have seen grasshoppers before, but not often. Living all of my previous 34 years of life in the middle of biggish cities, I have not had the opportunity to see very many. But here they abound a plenty. Walk through our large yard, and you will see dozens jumping out of your way. They jump against the house, bounce off the windows, and mate just outside our utility room door.

Yesterday, Tricia and Justin spent about an hour chasing after them trying to "catch" them on the ends of their sticks. They were fascinated, and it was cheap entertainment. I was surprised how long it kept them occupied.

So today, after being in El Paso all day, we got home a little late in the afternoon, but Justin was eager to run outside to his new hopping friends. After a little while, he came in telling stories of removing a grasshopper's back legs. He made the mistake of telling Tricia, who immediately went into little mommy mode and started to scold him. Having heard the whole thing and knowing what he had done, I decided I was not going to make a big deal out of it. Afterall, what little boy hasn't done something of the like to insects? I remember my brother trying to fry ants with his magnifying glass.

Paul, however, heard the incident also, and he decided to explain to Justin that now that the grasshopper didn't have his legs he wouldn't be able to jump, or protect himself. He would have trouble trying to get around to eat, and he probably wouldn't live very long.

This was very hard news for my sweet boy to swallow. He came to me with such a sad face, wanting comfort and feeling so sorry for what he had done to his grasshopper. In his curious distructiveness, he hadn't realized he could hurt it.

A few minutes later he called in to his dad to ask what a grasshopper eats. He wanted to take it to his food to help him live. Then he announced that he wished that "God would have made grasshoppers to help each other out if one of them got hurt." He didn't want the grasshopper to die. He wanted to help it live so it wouldn't become bird food. (We have been watching the birds swoop down and scoop up theses little buggers all week.)

My son's heart really moved me today. How many of us make mistakes, doing something destructive (physically, verbally, or emotionally) that hurts someone else? Do we so quickly realize how we have hurt another? Do we so eagerly want to try to make ammends? To make everything right again? Sometimes we do. But not always. Sometimes it's just too hard to admit when we are wrong. We want to deny that our behavior has been destructive towards something or someone else. We let our pride get in the way of repentance.

I guess watching Justin today was another opportunity to witness exactly what Jesus meant when He said that unless we are like little children we will never inherit the Kingdom of God. Justin wasn't worried about pride or filled with arrogance. He wasn't unwilling to admit that he had done something wrong. And he wasn't afraid to say he was sorry. His concern was not for himself (or getting out of trouble). His heart was tender and pure as he genuinely wanted to help that grasshopper and try to make things right again.

Lord Jesus, thank you for all of the little children, especially the ones you have given to me. Help me teach them your ways, but also help me remember that they are teaching me as well. I love you, Lord! Amen.

Boxes, Boxes Everywhere!

2008-09-12T20:08:00.003-06:00

Moving is a very tiring process. Yesterday, 9100 pounds of stuff arrived at my front door, including almost 140 boxes. In about 30 hours of work, I have made it through all but about thirty of those boxes. Some were passed off to the kids to put their stuff away, but the majority of them were left to me. Needless to say, I am exhausted.

I didn't sleep well last night. My legs ached from foot to groin, but of course I was too stubborn to get up in the dark to try to find the Motrin. It was also quite cold. We are just getting accustomed to the swamp cooler in our house (and how to work it). Also, there is often a 20-30 degree difference on a daily basis between the day's high temp and the night's low. It can be near 80 during the day, but you need all your blankets at night.

I am still amazed at this house that the Lord has given us. It is not the same one we thought we were getting with the amazing landscaping in the front, but the inside is the same. We got through the entire lease signing before they realized our house was not ready for us. They switched us with another house whose prospective occupants aren't due to arrive for another week or two, giving enough time for the paint to dry in the other house.

Our front yard here is bare. It is the only house on the whole street with almost no landscaping. I have to admit I am a little sad about that. They are not planning to put anything other than rocks down, so I will either have to plant something myself or get over it.

But the back yard is another story. The other house backed another house, so the two yards faced each other. This house has no houses behind it, so we have a magnificent view of the mountains. I am excited to get my outdoor recliner swing put together tomorrow so I can sit out on my patio and enjoy the mountains. Our yard is huge and has a large tree that shelters the patio areas. We could have wonderful bbq's and parties out here.

My living room is almost finished, and tomorrow I get my furniture for the sitting room. (That's what I'm calling it..... I guess it is really more like a family room and a living room, but I've never had both before!) We used this empty room to house almost all of the boxes. They were stacked nearly floor to ceiling, two rows out on each side of the door way. Now the garage is half filled with boxes that are either empty or filled with packing materials.

And we were able to get our cable/internet set up fairly quickly.... only a day and a half without, even though it felt longer. We are all so spoiled in this high-tech world.

I hope to be able to take pictures shortly, and I have already taken a lot of the mountains. I'll post them soon. But for now I think I'll take a hot bubble bath.

Church Shopping.... The Perfect Fit?

2008-09-08T06:45:00.003-06:00

Is finding a new church like shopping for that perfect pair of pants? You go into a new place hoping to find what you're looking for, trying something on to see how it fits? We always love it when we find that perfect fit on the first try, but that isn't always the case, is it? My daughter often has to look... and look to find a pair of pants that really fits her young adolescent body. She often leaves disappointed and still in search for just the right fit.

In 2002, God took my unbelieving self and placed me smack in the middle of a homeschool group filled with Christian women who knew what it was to be in relationship with the Lord. This was a side to "church and religion" I had never experienced before, and after awhile it brought me to the point of seeking, especially as my personal life was literally falling apart. By early 2003, my husband and I talked about attending a church, but we never got around to it. That April, my world collapsed and we prepared to move away.... and I prayed (as a seeking unbeliever) that God would send us where we should go. God chose Virginia.

I knew exactly where I wanted to go.... where I needed to go to learn more about God and Jesus. I knew there was a church body for me who were wonderful to my best friend years before. A church body who accepted and loved my pregnant single friend and took her in without judgment. This was where I wanted to go.

When we arrived, some of the people remembered me immediately, even though I had only met them a couple of times, and that spoke volumes to me. They helped me out in my need (my husband had remained in Illinois for a few months). When Paul was there to visit once or twice, we went for a Sunday service, but being on my own and still battling my depression, I was not able to make myself go to Sunday services.

Once Paul was in Virginia, he was only home for weekends, but with his help and encouragement, we began to attend services each Sunday. During his holiday break, he dragged me to a kinship I didn't want to go to. I had social anxieties and didn't really like being in groups of people I didn't know. I also had unpleasant memories of visiting Sunday School with friends growing up, and I hated being asked questions about things I didn't know.... and I knew practically nothing about the Bible. I was out of my element, and not happy about it.

But God captured my heart that night. He spoke through one of his daughters and showed me love I had never seen before. I knew at that point that whatever this was, I wanted it. And God is so wonderful! His timing is so perfect! He placed me in that church body just as they were going to begin an ALPHA course...... Christianity 101.

Pretty much from the beginning of this experience, I knew this was that perfect fit for me. Everything clicked, and I loved this church immensely. I didn't need to shop around and look and look. Years ago I would have said I got lucky, but I know that I was blessed to have come the the right fit so quickly.

I have a friend, however, that I have watched over the years struggle to find that right fit for her. It seemed like she would try on her pair of pants, and the fit was ok.... she liked many of the aspects and characteristics of those pants. Anything that wasn't a perfect fit she could just live with because for the most part she really liked those pants. But after awhile, those little things can become a problem, and you realize they just don't fit as well as you really want or need them to. So then you're off looking for new pants again. I watched her try place after place, never really finding what she was looking for. Sometimes she would go back to those old "pants", because they were comfortable. But then again, after awhile, she remembered this is not her perfect fit.

My dear friend has really been on my mind and heart this past day. She thinks she may have found her fit, and for that I am so excited for her. But now I am in a place where I am starting to understand her struggles in a way I couldn't before. I always wanted to encourage and support her in her search, knowing that we cannot always like or need the same things. I never took it personally when she would leave my beloved church in search for something better suited for her. I always wanted her be happy.... it was more important to me that she find a church home, not that my church home was her home too. But I can't say that I really understood how she felt or what she was going through. I didn't understand the disappointment and discouragement that can come when you are searching.

I didn't struggle like that when the Lord brought me into his kingdom. There was no shopping for trying on for fit. But now we are in a new place, with less options... or at least it seems. Of course we have lots of options... three cities all about 45-60 minutes away. No matter where we choose, it will be less convenient than where we have come from in Virginia. So really I have no choice but to start trying things on.

We went to our first service yesterday. I had liked what I read on their website, and I really hoped that maybe this could be our perfect fit. But it was not. The culture was strange. The music was so loud that I couldn't even hear myself sing, let alone any of the harmonies my husband and I so love..... and at least two of the five of us walked away with headaches. There was no youth program that is so desperately needed for my introverted teen. The people were nice, and I could see as I looked around that this was the perfect fit for many of them..... just not for me. My ten year old has already developed the habit of seeking and listening to the Lord. She informed me after that she asked God if this was the right church for us, and He told her no. I, myself, took my lack of peace as a sign this was not the place for us (not to mention the headaches!)

Even though this was only our first Sunday, I couldn't help but feel discouraged. Sundays only come around once a week after all, and we are so hungry to have a church family.... a place to belong. And thinking about how many more times we will need to go through this before finding the right place became an overwhelming thought. And I wondered if this is how my dear friend was feeling.

I also thought about my church home in Virginia, who are facing their own struggles. They are looking at ways to be more attractive to visitors, ways of bringing people in, but also ways to do that without compromising who they are. As I sat in the service yesterday, I realized that sometimes there is absolutely nothing you can do.... the fit just isn't right. I don't think there is anything that church could have done yesterday, aside from changing who they are, to make me want to come back again. And I know I don't want to be somewhere that people are trying to be what they think other people want them to be. I want to be in a church body where everyone is free to be themselves and that is where the fit is perfect. So I want to encourage everyone at PVCF who are reading this, please don't take it personally if visitors come.... and go. You are all wonderful people even though not everyone will find you as perfect of a fit as my family did.

Lord God, I thank you and praise you for the struggles in life. Although I am not happy to go through them, I know that in my weakness You are strong. Lord, please help me not to get discouraged if this process takes longer than I want it to. Help me use this time to turn to you. And Lord, please bless my wonderful church family back in Virginia. Bring to them those families that will love them and see they are the perfect fit for them. Thank you for your faithfulness. I love you! Amen.

Do Not Fear...

2008-09-05T08:45:00.002-06:00

Did you know that it supposedly says in the Bible "Do not fear" 365 times? If you think about it, that is once for every day. I chose the word supposedly because I have not counted them myself. I began to try once deciding I wanted to look up every verse that says it, but that project got side tracked quickly.

I watched a teaching a couple of months ago at my kinship about fear. Dr. Jeremiah talked about how if the Bible says so many times not to fear, then by living in fear you are being disobedient to God. At the time, that hugely impacted my life and decisions I had to make in that stage of my journey. I was definately letting fear have a stronghold in my life. I have dealt with extreme fears of confrontation, conflict, even people in general (social anxiety and people pleasing).

These are some examples of higher levels of fear in our lives, but I think when the Lord tells us not to fear, He is even talking about the little things.... like tarrantulas.

When we got our orders for New Mexico, a friend of mine (who lived here before) began to tell me about the tarrantulas and scorpions that are prevelent in this area. I have to admit that this freaked me out a bit. Normally, spiders don't bother me too much, unless they are big and hairy. But when I was about my oldest daughter's age (14), I had watched this horror flick from the 70's about these huge masses of black tarrantulas taking over a desert town, pouring into all the houses and killing all the people. Even though this movie was not bases in truth, it did it's job in creating a fear, or mild phobia of tarrantulas.

So one of the things Paul and I did to lighten up the fact that we were moving to tarrantula-ville was to get our mascots. Now I think most of my friends have seen them..... they are cute stuffed animal spiders that are about the size of the largest spider known.... the Goliath Birdeater Tarrantula (10-11 in. in diameter). These cute NOT REAL spiders sit in our windshields, and they have even freaked out some poeple who are spider-phobic. Our "spiderman" Justin loves spiders so he wanted his own (we have three of them). When he took his spider into Great Aunt Dottie's house, she kindly asked it to leave (she's NOT a spider fan). But we think our fake tarrantulas are cute.

The second thing I did was to begin to educate myself. I think there are two basic types of people.... one reads everything they can to become educated on the subject and eliminate their fears, and the other wants to stay oblivious because knowing scares them more than not knowing. The "research VS. ignorance is bliss"...... I am a researcher. So Justin and I read about spiders and tarrantulas.

I learned that they are primarily solitary creatures..... so no herds of thousands of spiders are going to attack me. They also are afraid of people, so they are not going to chase after me to get me. And contrary to probable popular belief, they will not kill you. No one has ever died from a single tarrantula bite. Tarrantulas do not even want to bite humans... they prefer to only bite what they want to eat, and they do not eat people. In fact, they are more likely to shoot the hairs from their abdomens at you using their back legs if they feel threatened. This is one of their defense mechanisms, resulting in all these tiny little hairs that would get stuck in our pours, itching and irratating our skin and making us quite uncomfortable.

So having learned all this information, and also hearing that my friend only had one tarrantula in her garage once in two years of living here, I felt a little more at ease about coming to the southwest. But still I wondered if this would be enough.... I was fully expecting to freak out at the sight of one of these little black and brown monsters.

So last night I was talking to my dear frind Christina, and she asked me if I had seen any tarrantulas yet. I happily told her no but described all the current local warnings for rattlesnakes and scorpions. (There are 22 different kinds of rattlesnakes known in this area with five of them having poisenous venom.) So we wondered if maybe we were getting past "tarrantula season". I never did find out exactly when their mating season is, or how long throughout the year to expect to see them.

We talked on for about another ten minutes when all of the sudden I saw the black spider crossing the road. It was within a foot of the curb, about 12 feet from me, but only 6 feet away from where Justin was squatting down playing in the grass and dirt. I yelled at him to go into the house quickly..... and then yelled for him to get his dad. Then I told Christina (who was still on the phone) that she had jinxed me.

My first reaction was one of being startled and concerned (mostly about Justin), but once he was out of the way, I stood up to move out of its path. I was actually a little curious. So I walked over around the back of it and got a closer look, though I still stayed about 4-6 feet away. Paul came out and we watched it make its travels acrossed the yard. It was an interesting creature. I suggested he go get the camara, so he did. He took some pictures, and I suggested a video. So we have a short clip of the spiders crawling over the grass as I wonder aloud what do you do with them.... cause we don't want them in the house, and we aren't supposed to kill them.

Then I asked Paul if we should get the girls. At first I didn't think so because I didn't want to freak them out, but then I realized that I was not freaking out, and maybe it would be good for them to see them while we were there to talk about them so they would know what to look out for if they are later out on their own. Tricia came out to see, but Nikki chose to remain inside with her iPod.

I came inside to make dinner and was shortly informed that the spider was right outside the house by the front door. I did not like this thought very much, as I still do not want it inside with me. Paul asked if it was the same spider, and the kids thought it was, but we were not so sure. I walked out to the yard, and indeed saw the first tarrantula continuing on his path through the yard about 40 feet away. I walked right past the second spider (within 2 feet of it) and informed Paul it was a different spider... there were two.

Again I voiced my concerns about how do you keep them out of the house, and Paul assured me that it would probably be difficult for them to get in. So I went about the rest of my day, not fearing and not worrying about the spider. And I slept well last night. This morning as I went out into the garage, I noticed that the door leading out the back had a big gap in the bottom. At that point I realized that the most likely place for a tarrantula to get inside would probably be limited to the garage. There may be easy access there, but the doors and windows into the houses are much better secured and do not provide as easy access to these large spiders.

Then I started to realize the peace that the Lord had placed in me about these "little black and brown monsters". I do not need to fear because the Lord is protecting me. Of course I need to be aware and careful when coming into contact with these desert creatures (including rattlesnakes and scorpions)..... but I do not need to fear. Amazing, huh?

Lord, thank you for your protection and peace that you have placed over me and my family. Thank you for your amazing creatures, even when they are hairy with eight legs. Thank you for all of your amazing creation and for the opportunity to see it every day in the beautiful scenery all around me. I love you! Amen.

Blessed Beyond Belief!!!

2008-09-03T13:20:00.002-06:00

After our final 12 hour trip yesterday, we arrived at White Sands Missile Range about 18:20 (that's about 6:20 pm for all you non-military folk). We were met both by Paul's sponsor (another E-6) and his new Command Senior Chief. We got signed into our temporary housing, which is a beautifully furnished three bedroom house that is larger than the apartment I just left at Fort Monroe.

The only thing open for us to grab a bite to eat was the snack bar at the bowling alley. So we munched on our two bacon cheeseburgers and chicken finger basket as we tried to let the realization that we are really here in New Mexico sink in.

Since we got in too late, we had to wait for today to go into housing to find out about where we will live. I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve, excited and anxious, not wanting to wait till the morning to see what great surprise I would find.

I woke up early, a bit before 7 (hey, that's early for me!), and when Paul woke up and saw 7:07 on the clock, he asked me, "So, it's nine on the east coast?" I just laughed and answered yes, cause he knows that 9 is my normal wake up time if I am left alone.

I was excited to see more of the base, so Tricia and I started to walk through some of the housing. The house we are staying in is in "O country" meaning mostly officers. SO I figured this area would not be where we ended up. They are building absolutely beautiful new homes throughout the center of the housing area, and Tricia and I gawked over them while pointing out empty ones. It was too far of a walk to go up to see the last section, these houses were the ones that were the largest three bedrooms but where also much older. But I knew I needed to make breakfast for my hunny, so I headed back.

After Paul finished getting his uniform ready, the two of us headed out the door to go to housing. We drove through all the areas so he could see what he'd missed on my walk, and I could see the section I was unable to. We decided that we liked the environment of the older houses because they had much much larger trees.... and shade. The new stuff was beautiful, and we knew they would be nicer inside, but trees?... not so much.

We walked into the housing office a little uncertain, cause we've not done this whole housing thing before. I was a bit nervous, and it got worse when we were asked if we had an appointment. An appointment? I didn't know anything about needing an appointment. So she brought us into her office and punched in Paul's ss#, and announces that we weren't even assigned a house. They had nothing to offer us in a four bedroom because this new battalion is coming in. We told her we knew that, and in all honesty we were not expecting to get a four bedroom. We said we would be happy to accept anything they had to offer us. Then she told us we were supposed to have called 30 days before we were due to arrive to get an appointment and house assignment.

30 days? We did not know this. The woman Paul had spoken to said nothing to him about calling 30 days ahead. We apologized for not knowing this, and he assured her he would have been more than willing to call if only he had been told. She left the office to see what she could do. I felt nervous and uncertain, feeling like we had done something wrong when we had not. So I closed my eyes and quietly asked God to work everything out for us.

You see, as the time got nearer, and especially after seeing all the different housing, I wanted to pray asking the Lord, "give me this house, give me that.... make it big, make it wonderful...." and on and on. That thought was SOOOO tempting. But I didn't. Instead I said, "Lord, this is what I want to ask for, but I know that YOU are the one who has brought us out here, so what I am going to ask for is that You give us the house (and the neighbors) that YOU want us to have, no matter what we end up with." Afterall, this has been my heart during this whole thing.... Lord, your will, not mine. So why stop now?

So as I was sitting in this office, trying to ignore the enemy's calling that we screwed up and were going to end up in an uncertain mess, I instead reminded myself that God was in control and would work everything out for us. There was no need to worry.

So she walked back into the room and said, "this is what I can do for you.... if you wait three days, I have a 3 bedroom on this street, or if you wait 9 days, I have a four bedroom on this street..."

Paul asked if we could see the map to show us where the houses were, and when she circled them I realized that Tricia and I had walked past both houses that morning. I could not remember what the three bedroom looked like, but I knew the four was really nice cause Tricia told me she wanted a house on that street where they have cacti in the front yard. Paul wanted to drive by both before selecting, though we told her we would most likely want the four.

When we drove by the three bedroom, it was UGLY. I don't think that very many of the houses here were ugly, but this one was. So we moved on to the four. It was BEAUTIFUL!!!! We peeked in the window, and all I could see was the kitchen, but it was HUGE! I squeeled in delight. The landscaping in front was my favorite along the whole street. I couldn't wait to see what it looked like inside. It almost killed me to think we would have to wait up to 9 days to see it!

You see, this is not a house we should qualify for. This is an area that is occupied by officers, NOT enlisted. But TWO days ago, the command decided that since many of the officers were moving into the new officer houses, then they should allow enlisted with larger families to live there. If we had called 30 days ago, we probably would not have had this house. This definately felt like God moving to me. So we stopped by to let the housing lady know we wanted the four bedroom on Jupiter. Then we were able to get our temporary housing extended for another week.

We headed back, after a short commissary trip, to get the kids and walk them over to the new house. I was still squeeling the whole way cause I am so excited. We took them past the three bedroom, and they agreed that yes, it is ugly. When we got over to our soon-to-be house, Paul stopped the neighbors driving by that we had seen starting to move in two houses down. He told her he was glad to see another enlisted family moving in (we were warned that we will most likely be snubbed from our officer neighbors cause they are not very happy to have us there as we are lowly enlisted, and NOT officers!).

Our new neighbor, Sandra, was so nice and sweet. We found out it was her family that might have inspired the opening of this housing to enlisted. She was told the same thing we were... only 3 bedrooms. Just like me, she was quite content to have a three bedroom.... just give us a house, she said. But when the "big guy" (the highest ranking enlisted guy at this command) saw her family and was told they were given a three bedroom, he said no way. If the officers want to move into the new fancy houses, there is no reason her family couldn't have an open older officer four bedroom house. She openly praised God for the blessing of this house. How Cool is that?!!! And I told her about my prayer.... to be placed where God wanted me. Then I thanked her for paving the way for us.

She was so nice that when she found out we hadn't seen the inside yet (and most likely wouldn't for at least a week), she backed up her SUV and three kids and invited us in to see her house (they have the exact same layout).

I almost cried! Literally. I felt God's love and blessing over me so strongly that I almost couldn't contain my self! This house is HUGE!!! Remember, I'm moving away from a three bedroom that was 1050 square feet. This house has a one car garage, a laundry/utility room, a kitchen large enough to put a small table in it if I wanted with tons of counter and cabinet space, a dining room, a living room, a family room, and two medium sized bedrooms and two large bedrooms, one with a three quarter bathroom. There is a double-wide driveway that could easily fit four cars (not including garage space for one), and the back yard is really big as well. We have two large trees back there that provides a lot of shade.

When I got back to the computer and looked it up, I found that the square footage is almost 2400sq.ft.. There are only 17 houses larger than this one (and this one is only 1 of 12). Again, I was overwhelmed by God's blessing. Nikki asked me if we were going to be able to fill this house with our stuff, and I exclaimed, "NO! Isn't it great!" This house is more than twice the size of our last home. And I am beside myself right now.

We have to call on Friday to find out exactly when we can come sign our lease and move in, but we know we will be here in temporary lodging for most of the next week. I do not have much to do this week but wait, but maybe that is God's way of giving me a vacation from my travels before all the hard work of unpacking begins. We can enjoy and celebrate Justin's 7th birthday on Sunday in a comfortable house not filled with boxes. And hopefully we will be all settled before Paul's birthday at the end of the month.

Lord, you are such an AWESOME God! Thank you so much for your provision for my family. Thank you for giving us so much more than what we deserve or qualify for. All the glory goes to YOU, Lord Jesus! I love you! Amen.

The End Is Near....

2008-09-01T12:08:00.002-06:00

....of traveling, that is.

I have been enjoying the restful day today. The kids are enjoying "real food" as I have been able to cook while staying here at Paul's sister's house. Sleeping on the air mattress is not my favorite, but at least tomorrow night we will arrive at White Sands to a temporary house that will include a real bed separate from the room my children will sleep in.

It is almost hard to believe we only have one more day of driving until we are done, but I am so grateful that the end is near. It has been two weeks now since the packers came to box all our stuff, and although I am not looking forward to the work ahead of unpacking, I am immensely looking forward to having a home again.

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for the strength and peace you have brought to us on this trip so far. Be with us these last days as we settle in our new home you have brought us to. Go before us and prepare the home you want for us (whether three bedroom or four). Place us where we can best do Your work for Your Kingdom. I love you! Amen.

My Children Are Driving Me Crazy!

2008-08-29T17:04:00.002-06:00

We are now about 2200 miles into our 2800 mile trip, and now that I have finished this three day leg of the trip, I am finding the energy produced (in my 6-almost-7 year old boy) by spending three long days in the car is quite overwhelming. We have been here in Killeen, Tx. for only about an hour, but I'm not sure Justin has stopped yelling, jumping, or running since we got here. As my husband would say.... "nucking futs!".

I am very greatful for a long weekend visit before our final (and longest) day of our trip.... the final 9 1/2 hour drive to New Mexico. And I have been forewarned that those 9 hours will seem like 15 through the vast emptiness of West Texas. I just pray that the Lord will renew my strength and give me the encouragement I need to get through these last few days, and then on to the extreme business of unpacking a new home.

For now, I think I'll settle for a long bubble bath.... and a razor to shave my horribly hairy legs.

Miss you all!

God's Amazing Creation

2008-08-26T14:31:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, my family of five (along with Grandma and Grandpa) loaded up the minivan at 7am to head off on a three and a half hour car ride to The Creation Musuem (just outside of Cincinnati, Oh in Northern Ky.). It was a wonderful experience, and I highly recommend it to anyone passing through that part of the country on any long trip. (They even have fabulous rates for active duty military and their dependents!)

This is a musuem created by (if I remember correctly) a former high school science teacher who was discouraged that all the science museums out there are based on the theory of evolution. He is a Christian, and he wanted to present a scientific and historical view of our world based on God's Word..... and I would like to add that he did a wonderful job. Everything was beautiful.... the films, the art, the walk through sets.... and at every step, he compared God's word and truth with how scientists have portrayed how our world began. How old is our Earth really? Did dinosaurs live at the same time as man? How was the ark built? How was the geology of the earth created, formed, and changed throughout the years?

Of course, much of the information presented was not new to me, but there were several things I did learn that I did not know before. And if you have ever tried to compare what you believe about Creation with other scientific principles (you know, trying to figure out how it all works together... is it really 6 24-hour days of creation, or could God's day have been millions of years? for example).... they did a great job comparing each point and lining everything up so it made sense.

It did get me thinking last night about a conversation I had a couple of weeks ago (and even one of my recent posts). God created Adam, and then He created Eve to be Adam's partner. He created us each differently, but each with His characteristics. He created us to be partners, each having their own jobs that together create one whole (this was what I was talking about some in my former post).

In my conversation recently with a friend, we were talking about how our husbands should be our best friends and the source of filling our emotional needs. We agreed that it is good to have other friendships, but ultimately, our spouse should be the fulfillment we need in life, and if we are spending too much time and energy on someone other than our spouse (whether the friend is male or female), then our needs are possibly being met in ways they shouldn't.

So I started thinking about the scenes in the museum with Adam and Eve together, and a funny thought hit me. God didn't create Adam and then bring in a best friend for him.... his best buddy, best pal.... no, he gave him a wife. And He didn't create Eve and then bring in a gaggle of girlfriends for her, instead He gave her a husband.

I remember reading in my secular days about how men are not designed to provide emotional fulfillment to their wives, that is what other women are for. The example given was to look at our past, in tribal days, when men went off hunting all day and the women stayed together cooking, cleaning, sewing, childrearing.... talking all day and getting "their emotional needs met". Basically, the point was that the reason why marriages were so strained was because men were expected to jump in and do something (take care of wife's emotional needs) that they weren't supposed to do.

But the problem with this scenario is this.... God created Adam and Eve. Period. He gave Adam a wife to respect and care for him, to raise his children with him. God knew that Adam needed a wife and companion, a helper. But God also knew what emotional needs Eve would have as well, and I do not think he intended on "girfriends" to meet them, or else He would have created them right there in the garden, right?

God has blessed me with a wonderful "Adam".... my husband is loving and caring, and he is very concerned with my emotional needs. He is my best friend, and I am his. I try to take care of him to the best of my ability, and if you ask him he'll say I do a pretty good job. I think that we embody in our marriage the ideal God had in mind for the marriage relationship..... love, companionship, friendship, partnership. Paul is my top priority (after God, of course), and I am his. Sometimes, though, as we look at all the unhappy and unhealthy relationships around us (in the world and even in the Christian circles), we wonder how we got so lucky as to figure it all out? How did we stumble across the key that so many others have searched for but haven't found? But we know the real answer....we didn't "get lucky" or stumble across anything, God gave us the key, and we have learned how to use it.

Lord God, thank you for giving me the most wonderful husband (for me) in the whole world! Help me be the wife and friend he needs me to be for him, and bless our time together. Father, I ask that you would reach out to married couples everywhere who are struggling, and remind them of your love for them. Show them that they can turn to each other instead of others outside of their relationship. Remind them of your design for marriage, and that you can give them everything they need to grow in you. I love you, Jesus! Amen.

At Peace

2008-08-21T19:14:00.002-06:00

The Virginia chapter of my life has officially closed.... for now.

I sit at my husband's laptop in Reading, Pennsylvania..... my fingers have been itching for time and opportunity to sit down and write. This has not been a luxury for me in the past few days as I have been preparing for packers, loaders, and then staying with friends without high-speed internet. My life has been crazy this past week, but in the midst of it I have noticed an incredible peace upon me.

I have been slowly saying goodbye over the past week. Long embraces after last dinners with friends..... waves after church and the picnic that followed. Some have refused to say goodbye... settling for a "see ya later", hoping for our return in three years. And through it all, nearly a single tear from my eyes (except for one dear friend I'll miss the most... you know who you are!)

It has been yet another reminder that we are following God's will for our life. We are walking on this journey with Him, trusting His leading in our lives. There is absolutely no other explanation for how I can say goodbye to so many I love, and be at peace. And not only at peace, but I truly enjoyed my last few hours with each of my dear friends. I didn't wallow or feel sad. I didn't feel dread saying goodbye. I laughed and had fun with these wonderful people.

Our journey has just begun. We are through three states already with many more... and many miles to go. But as I drove along with my beautifully prophetic daughter (Tricia is riding with me as Nikki and Justin are traveling with Dad).... she told me that God told her that there was someone waiting for us in New Mexico.... someone has been praying for us to come and help them with something. She doesn't know any details, but knows that our family is God's answer to someone's prayers in New Mexico. Wow! Isn't that amazing?! I love how God speaks to my 10 year old, and she not only hears Him, but listens for/to Him!

To all my wonderful friends who are reading my blog, thank you for your encouragement (and letting me know you're reading). I am writing for myself, but I love the thought that God is using this forum to speak to others as well. The Lord is amazing and wonderful! I continue to be in awe of how He works in all sorts of circumstances.

My posts may be a little short-- far and few between for awhile, but stay tuned for upcoming updates. I miss you already, but I know we will all be reunited again.... either in this life or the next.

God bless you all!

When Right Seems Wrong and Wrong Seems Right

2008-08-14T17:53:00.007-06:00

Have you ever noticed that as you develop a habit of regularly reading God's word, his word seems to follow what's going on in your life? As I stated in an earlier blog, I have been trying to develop a routine of reading my Bible on a regular basis. Now that I am in the epistles, they are going rather quickly. Many of them I have never read before, but I am finding parallels into my life as I open my Bible and start reading several times a week.

Earlier today, after dropping my dear friend off at the airport, I started thinking about a situation that I'm going through in my life, and I was thinking about how a choice I made has affected another. I began to wonder if maybe I hadn't handled it in the right way. Maybe I could have done things better... or maybe I should have done something differently. I believe in my heart that I am trying to do what is best for me and my healing while following what God has asked me to do. I recognize that sometimes by choosing to do something for ourselves, it will hurt another (even though we really don't want that other person to be hurt). But does that make it wrong?

I started thinking about how many times we choose to do something that seems so wrong, but in reality it is such the right thing to do. Maybe it's the world telling us it's wrong..... or society, or our flesh. And then I started to think about all the things we know are wrong to do.... worldly, flesh driven choices we make because it feels soooo good. I couldn't help but think to myself, "boy this world is screwed up!"

I came home, and opened up my Bible to where I left off.... and I read this passage.

Colossians 2:20-23

You have died with Christ, and he has set you free from the spiritual powers of this world. So why do you keep following the rules of the world, such as, "Don't handle! Don't taste! Don't touch!"? Such rules are mere human teachings about things that deteriorate as we use them. These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, pious self-denial, and severe bodily discipline. But they provide no help in conquering a person's evil desires.

This is at the end of Colossians 2, and at the beginning of 3 Paul begins to talk about how we live a new life in Christ.... that we need to "put to death the sinful, earthly things of this world". Then he goes on to list all the sinful things we should avoid and get rid of.

But I'm looking at this verse above and thinking about how even though we are freed from this stuff, it still follows us around. We are still listening to it... we are letting it affect us even when we should know better. These rules of the world are part of what seems right when really it isn't.

If I back up a little to an earlier passage in Colossians 2, it says this:

Colossians 2:6-10

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

Don't let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ. For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.

I like how it says to let your roots grow down into him. It is a good reminder that we need to be planted (firm) in Christ. I know that is where I need to be. And when our lives are built on him, our faith will grow strong. I need to remember that when I am doubting myself, I need to return to Jesus, letting my roots grow down into him. When my choices seem wrong to me, I need to turn to Him for that reassurance that I am doing the right thing when He has asked me to do it. And I also know that when my life is built on Him, He will give me the strength to turn away from the fleshly, worldly wrongs that feel so right.

Lord Jesus, thank you that my life is built on you. Help me stay focused on you, letting my roots grow down into you. Lord, increase my faith so I will overflow with thankfulness for everything you are doing in my life. I love you. Amen.

"For though I am far away from you, my heart is with you."

2008-08-13T10:08:00.003-06:00

These are the words of Paul I read this morning in Colossians 2. They pulled and tugged at my heart because these are words I have to live by in this military life. These are words that I need to keep near and dear to my heart as a reminder when I feel lonely or miss my friends.

I am no stranger to separations. I have long distance relationships with friends of 12-21 years. We keep in touch on the phone. We visit as often as possible (sometimes a couple times a year, but sometimes a couple years between visits). The first 21 months of my marriage (and the 9 months before that) were spent mostly separated from my husband.... with three more deployments following in the next 10 years. Plus, when I moved to Illinois and back, I spent 4-8 months each time mostly separated from Paul by moving early for school reasons.

I have learned through experience that it is possible to be far away yet still with loved ones at heart. Everytime we are reunited (for visits or long term), the connection picks right back up again as if we were never separated in the first place. These are relationships to treasure.

So knowing this, there is a large part of me that is not worried about this move. I know it isn't the end.... the goodbyes are not forever. I may only see these blessed friends once in the next three years, but that time will be wonderful and joyous.

But I am still sad. I guess it was somewhat easier in the past because the number of people I was leaving behind was considerably less. I had not opened myself up to very many people, so most of the people I left behind were aquaintences..... they are easier to leave.

But it is so very different here. Here there are so many people who I know love me. I have opened my heart and have bared my soul, and they have loved me for me. They have given me a safe place to grow and figure out who I am. They have supported me when I needed them, offered shoulders to cry on, and shared many hours of laughter and encouragement. I'd like to think that I have given as much as I have received. I have been a part of this huge family.... this support system I have never known before, and I have loved it.

And now it feels like I have to give it all up. Phone calls and email just won't be the same. I can't just go hang out when I need cheering up... or spend too much time after church catching up from the week (and aggravating the waiting husbands). I can't give and receive all those hugs (and Leanne kisses) when I'm 2000 miles away. And leaving really hurts.

I know that for the last four years God has been trying to bring me to a place of relying wholely on Him.... putting Him first, and turning to Him for my needs and comfort. This has been a challenging transition as I had always relied on myself for years... then I learned how to rely on people, my friends. But I do know there have been times I have turned to people when God wanted me to turn to him. Maybe that is a little bit why I am struggling so much. I keep thinking about how my friends won't be able to be there when I need them like they were before. But I guess there is at least something good about that. God wants to use that to continue moving me closer to HIM.

Jesus, my heart cries out to you right now because I am hurting. Please fill me with your peace and joy even as I have to say goodbye to so many people I love so much. Help me remember that You, too, know the intense pain of leaving as You left those you loved when you returned to the right hand of our Father in Heaven. Comfort my heart, and the hearts of my family, as we leave Virginia to follow your calling on our lives. I love you. Amen.

Compartmentalizing

2008-08-12T19:48:00.002-06:00

To separate into distinct parts, categories, or compartments

Ladies, have you ever wondered what it would be like to be able to have this mental skill that seems to come so naturally to our husbands? (or boyfriends, brothers, fathers.... whatever men you currently have in your life.) God created men and women so incredibly differently, yet each sex represents a distinct side of God.

My husband and I found ourselves out for an impromptu dinner tonight after discovering the little neighborhood Chinese restaurant had reopened its Mongolian BBQ bar after more than a year of the bbq being out of commission. As we waited for our food, Paul asked me if I was excited about the move. He wanted to know if I was looking forward to getting to New Mexico and all the things ahead of us there. I shook my head no.

Then he asked me if I was dreading it, and again I shook my head no. I replied that I was having a hard time getting past the "right now". Basically, I am stressed. There is so much to do in this final week. There's packing to do. There are painful goodbyes to be said. There are daughters to be cheered up. Not to mention everything involved in the two week process of getting there. I am a little overwhelmed by details and emotions that are taking over my time and attention.

So Paul just looks at me, about to go claim his food from the Mongolian grill, and says something like, "so this is where the ability to compartmentalize would come in handy about now?" I just smiled and shook my head yes. My sweet husband..... he's excited about what lies ahead, and he's thinking about what we have to look forward to. He knows there's all this junk here (he's not looking forward to leaving his friends any more than the rest of us), but he can just shove all that aside... put it into a compartment in his brain that will allow him to forget about it long enough to focus his attention on something else.

This is not something most women can do. I know I can't. I feel everything at once, and I have trouble separating things out to focus on only one thing. I think that is why I get so overwhelmed sometimes.

But then I have to remind myself that sometimes it comes in handy to be able to do many things at once. This is a skill my husband does not have. He usually has to focus on each thing separately.... if he is distracted he cannot concentrate on the task at hand. I have to remember that if he is reading something, or in the middle of a task... then I need to wait for him to finish before he can focus on what I am saying to him. Can we say "one track mind"? I, however, can do about four things at once when needed.

It never ceases to amaze me how God created each of us in an almost opposite fashion. We each are truly a half that brought together becomes a whole. [.... a man leaves his mother and father and becomes one with his wife]. I guess it would make sense that if two parts come together to make one whole, then those two parts should function differently to be able to accomplish the higher goal.

My job is to be the nurturer. I support my husband and his needs, reassuring him and listening as he needs me. I take care of my children, kissing away the hurts and smothering them with hugs (not as easy of a task as they become teens.... as I am finding out). I am not sure I could get anything done on a daily basis without that ability to do several things at once.

My husband is the providor.... the source of strength in our family. He goes off to his stressful job, and he needs to forget about what's going on in the family when he is at work. But then he also can come home and focus on us while putting work on the back burner. God calls the man to live for, protect, and die for his wife (if necessary). That is a pretty tall order.

When you look back at history, beginning in Genesis... men went off to war. They protected their families as warriors and hunters. They needed to have the ability to push their thoughts, emotions, and fears away to accomplish the difficult task at hand.

In present day, my husband is in the military. Although he has a safer job in the Navy (than Army or Marines), he still serves our country in an institution that calls for its members to serve and protect with a willingness to give their lives. Just like the warriors of old, he needs that ability to compartmentalize when he is away for six months at a time, focusing on his job at hand during those deployments.

There is one thing that my husband and I definately agree on..... neither of us wants to do the other's job! And this is just how it should be. It may be frustrating sometimes when we don't understand how the other thinks or approaches things. We may not always choose to do things the same way (especially driving routes.... sorry, inside joke). But we recognize that our differences are what enhances our marraige and our family.

Father God, you are such an awesome creator! You knew exactly what was needed in each of us and how our differences would complete each other. I thank you for the wonderful husband you gave me, and I ask you to help me be exactly what my husband needs. Give each of us understanding for the other as we work together in our marraige and family. Keep us both grounded in you as we journey together in life. I love you, Lord. Amen.

Written Expression

2008-08-11T13:49:00.002-06:00

Sometimes it just amazes me the ability I have to express my feelings on paper that somehow fails me quite often when using my mouth. They are all my words, but somehow they flow and articulate in writing whereas I just fumble them while trying to vocally express myself.

Yesterday, our pastor asked my husband a question about something going on in my life that my husband realized he didn't know the answer to.... he hadn't thought to ask me reasonings behind a decision I had made. So later in that evening when he asked me about it, I tried my best to explain it to him. I asked him if he understood where I was coming from, and he just looked at me with a thoughtfully uncertain expression on his face and said, "yes and no". At the end of the conversation, we agreed the best thing for me to do was to write to our pastor and explain what was going on (to catch him up, really).

Paul called me today from work and let me know he read my letter. "That's quite some letter, dear!" he said to me. This is the kind of response I often get from him after one of my letters, so I asked him if I was impressing him or something. He told me it was amazing how well I could express myself when I wrote it down. So I asked him if he understood now where I was coming from, and he said that he thought he did. I had basically tried to write in my letter the same thing I was trying to explain to him the night before, but he didn't quite get what I was trying to say until he read my written words.

I suppose having this writing ability has really come in handy over the years as a Navy wife. My husband leaves for half a year at a time, and over 95% of our communication is written. I noticed in particular that this past deployment was much easier for me despite all the really difficult issues I was facing. I was able to let him know what was going on in my life, what I was feeling and dealing with..... and we stayed connected in a more intimate way than previous deployments. The beauty of email! (Previous deployments had no email or very limited email, it it was harder to stay connected.)

I am also realizing how God can use this gifting in me to reach other people. As a very young Christian, the thought of "going out and making diciples" and "spreading the gospel" were terrifying thoughts. I have trouble finding the right words with people. I don't know what to say. I feel awkward and uncertain. But put me in a quiet room with a computer, and those thoughts can just pour out. And the neat thing is, that once they are on paper in front of me.... once I have worked out all my thoughts in private, I often can have great conversations with people and the words flow from my mouth much easier.

Father God, thank you that you bless each of your children with special giftings and talents to do your kingdom work. Thank you for encouraging me to find an outlet through the gifting of writing that you have given to me. I praise you that you have shown me a way to express myself in healthy and productive ways. I ask that you use my words to bless others as you have blessed me in writing them. I love you, Lord. Amen.

Deeply Ingrained

2008-08-10T21:54:00.003-06:00

I recently found myself in a conversation where I was talking about my problems with codependency. The women I was talking to told me that I needed to stop referring to it as "my codependency", that I needed to stop claiming it because the Lord has set me free from it. But the problem here is that I do not feel free from it. I am still struggling with these thoughts and behaviors that are so deeply ingrained in my being that I continue to slip into it without even noticing.

I know they are right..... I understand the point they are trying to make to me. When we continue to talk about problems, illnesses, dysfunctions, addictions, whatever.... we can use our words to continue to take ownership of these things instead of releasing them from our lives. These are not things we should own, but things to be released to God.

I know God has set me free. Just as I know He heals, often before we see the effects of that healing. At kinship one night several months ago, we discussed how God heals us when we ask (whether in this world or the next, either way He has already healed us).... but sometimes we are still waiting for that healing to manifest itself in our lives. Instead of continually praying that the Lord would heal us, we should trust that he has already healed us and instead ask him to manifest that healing. Interesting concept.

Could that be where I am right now? Am I still walking out this process to freedom, waiting for the healing to be manifested in my life? Just because I cannot see the end result yet, doesn't mean God hasn't already freed me from it, right?

In Codependency by Pat Springle, he talks about how deeply ingrained codependent behavior can be. He gives the example of a home project he did once where he didn't want to pay $9 for a trowel (not sure when this event took place, but it was probably well before 1990 when the book was written.... so I'm guessing $9 was a lot more back then than it is now in 2008). Anyway, he did not want to pay for the trowel, so he did his home do-it-yourself cement job without it. After just a couple of hours of working with the cement, he looked down and realized that he had cement poisening (the flesh was eaten away from his fingertips). He had found himself in a dangerous situation very quickly without ever realizing the danger he was in. This is how he describes codependent thinking and behavior. We slip into it so fast and get so deep that we do not realize the danger we are in until it is too late.

Right now I have reached a point in my healing and reality to be very well aware of the codependent patterns and thinking, and on several occassions the Lord has pointed them out to me very quickly. This has helped me continue to break away from these patterns towards my healing and freedom. I was getting to the point where I thought I had a leg up on the situation, and I was doing great. But then I recently found myself in exactly the type of situation that the book was referring to.... I had slipped deep and fast without realizing it, not realizing that I was responding to the situation from an unhealthy place because I had not let go like I had thought I had (thus still reacting from a codependent viewpoint).

I have to admit that this is extremely frustrating. It felt like a setback. It felt like the exact opposite of freedom. But it also made me think again about what my friend said to me. Am I claiming a problem I shouldn't because the Lord has already freed me from it? Or is this truly a problem that I am dealing with that hasn't yet worked it's way out of my life? Or is it possible to be a little of both?

Lord Jesus, I thank you that you are a patient and loving God who does what he says he will do. I thank you for the healing and freedom you have worked in me. Lord God, I ask you to help me walk in that freedom. Help me continue towards your healing manifested in my life. Give me wisdom to see the danger signs before I am in too deep. Give me clarity to break free from codependent thoughts and bevavior patterns deeply ingrained in me. Lord, loosen them and remove them from me by the power of the blood of Jesus. I love you, Lord. Amen.

17 States in 13 Days

2008-08-08T09:55:00.002-06:00

Philippians 3:13b-14
...but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

I read the entire book of Philippians today (not a large book), and this verse kinda jumped out at me. I know that Paul is really referring to the race of our life on earth... our pursuit of Jesus, and he is talking about the day in which we finish that race here on earth and join our Lord Jesus in Heaven. But my mind has been on other things these days as we are preparing for our trip towards New Mexico, so this verse spoke a bit differently to me today.

It is hard to leave Virginia. This has been my entire Christian life..... here among wonderful people. A big part of my heart does not want to leave. There are a few people in particular that I do not want to leave. It hurts just to think about it. But the reality is that in 13 days, Virginia will be my past. It may be my future again (in three or so years), but as of 21 Aug 2008, it will be my past. I can still stay connected with people via internet and telephone, but the physical interaction will all be memories.

One chapter of my life is coming to a close, and in a way it feels like we are on a race towards the next chapter.... one where God has promised us great things. I know I will not "forget" the past, but I think the point here is not necessarily to forget it, but to stop focusing on it so much because it is the past. Our focus should be on what is ahead, particularly knowing we are following God's will for our lives and are moving along the path He has placed us on.

My daughters are having a very hard time with this. I am not sure they see that God is directing our path and He has a wonderful plan for them while in New Mexico. All they can see right now is that they are leaving their friends. Their focus is remaining on the past. But that's understandable... they are only 10 and 14. But I realize that if I want them to be able to look ahead and focus on this race before us, then I, too, must do the same. If they are not seeing this modeled in their parents, then they are only words that do not really mean anything. And I want them to realize that God does have great prizes in store for all of us as we obey his calling.

So I need to focus on what is ahead of me. This can be an overwhelming task because sometimes I have a bad habit of trying to look too far ahead. I get too caught up in all the details involved in too many things. The unfortunate side effect of that is I often miss the opportunity to experience what is in today. I might miss the joy that is right in front of me because I am too involved in my thoughts of "down the road".

Paul and I have planned a wonderful trip to take us from Virginia to New Mexico. If we were to drive straight there, it should take us 2025 miles through 6 states. But instead, we have decided to take "the scenic route" and visit some family and friends we may not see again for three years. We also enjoy a hobby called geocaching (where we find hidden items in public places using a GPS), and our long term goal is to get each of the states on our map to turn red (by logging a cache in that state). So we have added about 300 extra miles to our trip just to add in a few extra states. When we finally reach New Mexico, we will have traveled through 17 states in 13 days, adding 9 new states to our map (instead of 4) and totaling about 3100 miles. I don't want to miss out on any of the joy God wants to give us on this journey because I am focusing too much on the past or the future.

One of my husband's favorite verses is in Philippians. He even has it printed on a clear lable sticker inside his windshield where he can see it as he drives.

Philippians 4:6
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

But it gets even better in verse 7....
Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will gaurd your hearts and minds as you live for Christ Jesus.

I am not sure that we can experience God's peace if we are living in the past. I know we can't if we are fretting over the future. We need God's peace to run our race and stay focused on Jesus. I want God's peace in my life.

Although the ultimate goal and ending of our race is our heavenly reward of eternal life with Jesus, I do not think this is the only prize that God has in store for us. I don't think that life is one huge marathon with a prize at the end. I think it is more like a series of races... a number of opportunities to press on towards Jesus. At the end of each race, we advance onto the next, slightly more challenging race. Only God knows which race is our final one.... so we should never give up thinking this one is the last. And living in the past is a form of giving up. We also cannot be focused on the race two or three jumps ahead of us. We have to be focused on the one directly before us.

I like how the Message Bible states (the verse at the top)

.... but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward-- to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us.

I have not ever read this verse in this version before today, but I am in complete amazement at its words. This verse directly states what my goal has been this whole past 15 months.... I'm off and running (towards healing), and I'm not turning back. I have made decisions based on the fact that I do not want to turn back. I want to stay focused on my goal. I want to be healed and complete in Jesus. And I want everything that God has for me!

Lord Jesus, I love you and I want more of you in my life. I am so grateful that you have set me off on this race towards you. Help me remember that I am off and running.... and I'm not turning back! Help me not be sidetracked by thoughts of future races nor hindered by the ruts of the past. Help me see you are the finish-line on every race of life. I praise your Holy name, Jesus! Amen.

Submission: A Dirty Word or a Beautiful Plan?

2008-08-06T14:01:00.002-06:00

I am an independent, bossy, strong-minded and stubborn woman (and recovering control freak). In my 13 1/2 years of marraige, I spent the first decade "wearing the pants in the family", so to speak. I made all the decisions. I made all the plans. I tried to do everything myself and rarely asked for help. When my best friend lived with us, we had a bad habit of making plans and forgetting to tell my husband what we had decided to do, even when it directly involved him. (Sorry, Hon!)

At the time, neither my husband nor I were leading a Godly life. I was an unbeliever, and although Paul grew up in a Christian, church attending home.... he really had never developed a real relationship with the Lord.

As a teen, his mother often had to remind him (constantly) what he needed to do, and as an adult the Navy told him what to do. So he was quite comfortable (at least on the surface) having a wife who told him what to do. It's not that I bossed him around, or that he wanted to be bossed around, but he was comfortable in not having to make any major decisions. He was content for me to take care of everything and just fill him in on what the plan was.

Before coming to the Lord, my world fell apart, and I had to admit that I was not superwoman. I had to begin to ask my husband to help me..... I needed to LET him take on some of the responsibilies. When I became a believer, this process became even more important as I realized that God had designed my husband (NOT ME) to be the head of our family. Paul, however, felt very uncomfortable in this new role. He didn't feel like a leader, and I think the thought of the responsibility scared him a little.

My focus began to change. Even though I had let go of a lot of the big things, I began to realize all the little ways that I was still trying to stay in control. I was not allowing my husband to be the head of our family the way I should. I attended a Ladies' Marriage Seminar that focused on marraige and submission, and it really opened my eyes.

In Ephesians 5, Paul addressed spirit-guided relationships between husband and wife. He says the following:

Ephesians 5:21-24 (New Living Translation)
And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

Submission...... in my previous world this was a dirty word. Both my mother and step mother are feminists. I'm sure they cringe at this word. I was always taught (mostly indirectly) that women are just as good as men, and to submit to them is degrading and demeaning. To submit means to allow someone else to control you.... like you have no choice in your life and must always be at the will of someone else.

And there are some definitions of this word that include words like "control", "give in to", "subjected to".... basically the idea of allowing someone to dominate us. Control and domination, even when agreed to, is not seen as a positive thing. But I do not believe that is what God had in mind when he developed his plan for marriage or in His choice of the word submit.
There are other definitions that I like much better..... they seem more fitting:

* To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another
* to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision
* refer to another person for decision or judgment
* yield to another's wish or opinion

In reality, we submit to people ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY..... we submit to our bosses and leadership, we submit to the police and other members of government authority, we submit to laws and regulations. We choose to follow these examples of leadership because we know these systems are set up for our own good and well being. They are sometimes necessary to live in an orderly world. We usually do not stop to consider if allowing ourselves to follow others in these circumstances would be seen as degrading or demeaning.

And if we are believers, we also submit to our Lord and Savior because we know He will take care of us and protect us. We know He will guide us in the right decisions we should make and keep us on the right path. I do not see anything demeaning about allowing someone who knows better than I do what is right for me, to lead the way to keep me safe. Sometimes it is better for us to stop, and turn to another for their input and wisdom.

God created men and women so differently it is amazing! He had a purpose in assigning certain attributes to each of the sexes. A friend of mine likes to say that he "doesn 't have a feminine side..... God removed it in the Garden" (his feminine side is his wife). God designed each of us for a seperate purpose, and although I do not always understand why He created me so differently from my husband, I recognize that His plan works. I also have learned in the last couple years that there are so many benefits to me in following God's plan of submission.

As women, it is so easy to allow our emotions to overrule our commen sense sometimes. It can be difficult to keep our emotions in check and make rational decisions. Men have an ability to compartmentalize things in a way that will often allow them to make decisions in circumstances where women cannot. Does that make men better? No, just different.

I also believe that if God wants the husband to be the head of the household, then God will give wisdom and understanding to that man that his wife may not be directly privy to. When we are willing to submit, or yield to our husbands, they are able to make God ordained decisions that may not otherwise be possible if we are trying to run the show.

I have learned that whenever we are walking down a path God has not directed us to, or we try to accomplish something in our own strength.... it often just does not work out right. Have you had this problem? It creates stress and anxiety. It creates self doubt and discouragement. When I was trying to "run the show", I was not happy. I was buried in responsibilities and burdens that were not fully mine to take on. But when I released it to God and turned to my husband's leadership in submission to him, the weight lifted off of me. I felt a level of freedom that was surprising. But isn't that the same with God? When we surrender to Him, we feel real freedom.

The other important thing I realized was the more I turned to my husband and his leadership, the happier he seemed.... not because he had a wife he could control and dominate, not because he was power hungry and wanted to be in control. No, I think he became happier because he was able to begin to find a sense of purpose in his life that was missing before. He was able to function in the role God created him for. Our relationship was so much better because I was begining to respect him in ways I hadn't realized I was lacking in before. His confidence grew, and he really began to grow in the Lord. Makes sense if you think about it. Leading a family is a huge responsibility...... and when you take on this task wholeheartedly you need the Lord to help you. When I was taking over, he did not have that same need to turn to the Lord because I was allowing him to be "comfortable and complacent".

The Message Bible has an interesting take on this passage in Ephesians 5. It says:

Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by dominating but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

I like the sound of that.... a husband who provides leadership by cherishing me! I have been blessed with a husband who does in fact cherish me. I think he always has, but I can definately recognize the difference in him since I made the choice to actively submit and follow his leadership for our family. As I have strived to understand and support him, we have reached a new level of trust and intimacy in our marriage. We complete each other more deeply than we ever did before.

So to answer my question? Submission can be a dirty word.... when it is defined by the world and used to control, dominate and oppress. Unfortunately, I have seen/heard of situations where husbands have used this verse as reasoning to control or abuse their wives. They use submission as a way of gaining power through domination in selfish (not selfless) treatment of their wives.. And I think that is part of what gives it such a bad name to the world.

But in my life and my marriage, submission is a beautiful plan created by God himself. My husband cherishes me. He wants my input and counsel in making decisions for our family. He doesn't see me as a subordinate or as inferior, but as a partner in this life we have created together. How could I NOT want to turn to him to lead our beautiful family?

Lord Jesus, I thank you that you have shown us in your word your plan for a spirit-guided relationship. I thank you every day for the wonderful man of God that you gave to me long before either of us knew you. Please help us continue to follow you in our lives and our decisions, and I praise you for the work you have done in my marriage. I love you! Amen.

The Unseen World

2008-08-04T10:13:00.006-06:00

Do you ever wish that you could just put on a pair of special glasses that would allow you to see what is going on in the spiritual realm around you? I do. Although this thought is so tempting, maybe I would be afraid of what I'd see if I really had that chance. I don't know.

But I do know that the Bible tells us about this world..... where there is spiritual warfare battling all around us; angels vs demons, good vs evil. This is a world that so many of us are completely oblivious to. This is a world I do not think my mother believes in. The New Age Movement has convinced way too many people that evil does not exist. Read a "Course in Miracles" (New Age posing as Christian teaching endorsed by Oprah), and it will tell you flat out that evil only exists in the minds of those who believe it exists. Bottom line, it isn't really there, it is only a figment of your imagination, created by perceptions in your illusional world (not reality).

But the word of God says differently.... The Lord reminded me of this in my reading this morning:

Ephesians 2:2 (NLT)
You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil--commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God.

I believe in this world.... I have seen evil at work around me. I have felt the attacks of the enemy when I am obeying God's direction and moving forward towards the Lord. When I feel those attacks coming at me, I always remind myself that I must be doing something right! But this is an unseen world.

I remember when I became a Christian four and a half years ago, I thought it sounded so kooky to talk about such things.... especially to unbelievers. It does sound crazy when you don't understand it. I thought people would think I was nuts for talking about such things. But in the last four years, I have discovered one undeniable truth. The closer you come to God on your walk with Him, the crazier you sound to the world. People living in the world think we are nuts. But I have also realized that the closer I get to God, the less I care what people think of me. They can think I'm completely wacko, but that doesn't negate the fact that these are real truths.

I bought a book on spiritual warfare several weeks ago, and the author talked about three costly errors (I'm only going to talk about one) that people make when it comes to their awareness or thoughts on the subject of spiritual warfare. The first is a denial of the existence of evil spirits and the spiritual world in general. She states that although 70% of people (in a recent survey) claimed to believe in Satan, many "see him and his demons like Santa Claus and his elves-- mere figments of a childish imagination", not realizing that much of the evil around us is the work of Satan and his minions. She states in her book that, "The wickedness of the visable world is influenced, fueled, and powered by the spiritual underworld, which is populated by Satan and other fallen spirit beings." (A Divine Revelation of Spiritual Warfare by Mary K. Baxter)

Spiritual underworld..... this sounds like the verse in Ephesians I quoted above.... "commander of the powers in the unseen world". I know she is writing this book to believers. She wants to wake people up to realize the battle they are in. But I can't help but think about all of the nonbelievers in the world who don't believe in evil. Satan often doesn't even have to do much work in their lives.... they are easy targets!

Ephesians 2:3a says:
All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature.

Am I saying that all nonbelievers are walking around trying to do evil, mean and horrible things? No. I was an unbeliever for almost 30 years, and I was a "good" person. I had a good heart and always tried to do the right thing. I had honorable morals and ethics that ruled my life. I tried not to be mean spirited, and I wanted to avoid anything that seemed wrong or evil. But here is where it gets tricky.....

I did not believe that premarital sex was wrong. I did not believe living together before marraige was wrong. I did not believe homosexuality was wrong. Drinking and partying was fun, and who cares as long as you are responsible (at home, not driving, etc.). I couldn't get enough of the sleezy evening soap dramas, crime shows, and Lifetime movies. Worldly entertainment (music, movies, sitcome, dramas) was a huge part of my life.

These are all our worldly cultural things that we can be involved in with no feelings of guilt because our society teaches us there is nothing wrong with it. But this is exactly what Paul is writing about in Ephesians. These are not of God. To be involved deeply in these activities is obeying the devil's spirit at work in our hearts because we are refusing to obey God.

The devil's deceptions are so deep and controlling that it is dangerous. Then I think about the New Age Movement.... here Satan has really done a number on people because he has them convinced they are following God. They are too blinded by his deception to see they are really following the devil, not God. He wants them convinced there is no evil or evil forces because then he can receive all of their worship (that they think is going to God, but isn't). Satan knows if they knew the truth, then he could not masquerade as the "one true God".

Maybe I don't really want those special glasses for myself. I already believe.... that is what faith is; believing in something you can't see. But maybe it would be nice to be able to put those glasses on the eyes of someone who is living a life in the complete deception of the enemy.... to remove the blindness and open their eyes to see the truth. But these glasses don't exist.... there is no such thing. Only God Himself can do that!

Father God, you are a mighty, powerful God! I thank you and praise you that you have removed my blinders and opened my eyes to see You. I praise You and give You the glory that Satan is no longer the controlling spirit in my heart. Lord, I ask that you would open the eyes of those trapped in the devil's lies. Help them to see that they are worshipping the wrong things when their focus is not really on You. Help them see who You really are and build their faith in You just as You have done in me. I love you Lord Jesus! Amen.