Sad Day

I am having a sad day. I am grieving the loss of a friendship that meant very much to me. For months I have been trying to hide from grieving any of the lost or damaged relationships in my life. It has seemed easier to just push it all away and pretend it isn't real. But I live in the world of reality now. And I am trying to walk in it each day. And part of reality is feeling. And today I am feeling sad.

In reality. I am mourning the loss of two special women in my life (and their beautiful children that had come to mean so much to me). The first friendship I laid at the feet of Jesus. I must admit that in the aftermath, my human self did not handle the situation in the best way possible as I was barely surviving through that time. A lot of pain resulted, and I do not know if this friendship will be able to be repaired to begin anew sometime in the future. I pray that the Lord will be able to heal us both and repair the damage done. But only time will tell.

The second friendship, at least at the moment, seems to be a casualty of circumstance. I moved 2000 miles away. I love this dear friend so much, and I know she feels the same. But somehow, the sudden void of each in the other's life has been harder on each of us than we probably ever imagined. Kinda like that old saying, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone!"

We didn't really have a phone relationship/friendship in Virginia. We almost always interacted face to face..... and I have not made the transition well from close to long-distance friend. I have not been good about keeping in touch for a few reasons. For starters it seems her life is so chaotic with little ones that I am afraid to disturb her schedule.... along with a time change that seems to mess me up on good times to call.

But if I am really honest, I miss her presence so much that it hurts. I read her blog daily, hungry to know what is going on in her life. But trying to call is painful because it just reminds me that I cannot go see her whenever I want. We cannot hang out and eat Chinese food together and have wonderful conversations. I can't cry on her shoulder when I am having an absolutely horrible day, nor can I do anything to help her when she's having a hard time. And as she is a military wife who does not have a heart for settling in Virginia, I fear that by the time we make it back that way, she'll be gone. I wonder to myself if she will ever be a physical presence in my life again, and that thought makes me want to cry.

I haven't called because I haven't wanted to face the pain I feel.... like somehow talking to her will make me hurt more. Of course in reality this is nonsense. I was elated the one conversation we did have. I was so excited to hear from her and talk to her. But then time passes, and life goes on and the sadness continues. Then the guilt sets in because you can't help but think that a real friend would be calling. A good friend wouldn't just be silent for so long. And a whole new level of hurt and sadness settles in. And then paranoia.

See, my friend, she hasn't seemed to be able to call me either. And sometimes I can't help but wonder if I have done something wrong. Have I upset her? Is she mad that I haven't called? Is she not calling because she just doesn't want to talk to me anymore? I worry that I was too selfish at the end.... focusing too much on my own problems and being more of a burden than a friend.

But besides the fact that her life is just crazy and overwhelming right now, I know in my heart that the reason she is not calling has nothing to do with her being angry or mad at me. I do not think that I have done anything wrong to cause her to not want to talk to me. I think she is just feeling the same pain and emptiness that my move has created in me. Maybe the void that I feel in my life by her absence is mirrored in her life by mine. Maybe it is just too hard for her to pick up the phone for exactly the same reason it has been so hard for me. Maybe she is feeling the same guilt I feel by not actively staying in touch.

I know each of us has long time-long distance friends we are still close to from our school days. So there really is no reason to believe that we can't remain friends forever, until the end of time. I just do not want to jeopardize our friendship by foolishly allowing undealt with emotions to cause us to grow apart, all because I didn't want to face my pain.

So now, almost five months after I tearfully said goodbye..... I think I am ready to be honest with myself and allow myself to grieve these circumstances that has put 2000 miles between myself and one of the best friends I have ever had..... and want to keep, even if it means forever by long-distance and telephone conversations.

Lord God, please heal my broken heart. Thank you that You are a comforting God. Bring Your comfort to me, as well as to my dear friend I have left behind. Help us mourn the loss of the physical friendship.... of being there for each other in person, and help us transition into this new role of long-distance friendship. Help us learn to be there for each other even at a distance of 2000 miles. And Lord God, I ask that in your timing you would heal and restore my other friendship. Bring comfort to her as well.... to ease the pain of the current situation. I love you. Amen.