A Heart Breaking Experience

Two weeks ago, Paul came home from church with a prayer request for a family from the Picnic in the Park (the ministry we are involved with that feeds the poor and homeless of Las Cruces)... to pray for a family who were about to lose their kids. He did not have details, other than the there was a court hearing that week.

Last night, this couple joined my table at our Wednesday evening Bible study at church. Fitting enough was the topic of the evening... the storms of life. This family is going through quite a storm right now. The husband is trying to stay strong for his wife, and the wife is trying not to fall apart with the absence of her small children.

At the end of the evening, during prayer time, this mother of two broke down in tears. Let me just say, that in the past, I would have run away from this situation as fast as I could. I would have felt badly inside, but yet so uncomfortable I would have no words to say to this hurting mother. I would have been so afraid of my own repressed pain and emotions, that I had no ability whatsoever to show compassion to another hurting soul I did not know.

But last night, the Lord broke my heart for this woman. I cried with her, and I tried to comfort her as best I could. I felt the Lord telling me to tell her that He was there holding her hand, that she could lean on him during this painful time. It could have been easy for me to walk away without saying a word.... actually that would have been the comfortable thing for me to do. But instead, I walked around to the other side of the table, and I whispered to her that Jesus was there holding her hand. She broke down more and began to tell me a little bit about her kids. I cried with her and told her how sorry I was that this was happening to her, and I asked her a couple of questions, like how old her children are. Then she had her husband show me their picture. Most of all, I just tried to listen with compassion.

Even though this was an uncomfortable situation to be in, I really felt the Lord stretching me and changing my heart. I know that God is walking me through my own healing knowing He wants to use me to help other hurting people.... and in this process, I have to step out of my comfort zone and let Him use me.

I do not know if I helped this woman at all during this painful time in her life, but I know that at least in some small way, the Lord has changed me through her pain.

Lord God, I do not really know most of the circumstances behind what is going on with this family, but You do. You know their pain and their needs, and I know that ultimately You are in control of this family's situation. Bless this family with Your peace and comfort during this storm in their lives. Thank you for changing my heart and growing me more in You. Give me strength and courage to step out in uncomfortable circumstances to show compassion to your hurting children. I love you. Amen.

Parental Freak-out

Ok, so I had my first real "my baby is growing up" freak out last night. My baby, my firstborn is about to be 15. She's getting ready to get her driver's permit (scary in itself, but I won't be the one teaching her to drive).... and to me it seems like I can see the end of her childhood staring me in the face closer than I want to realize.

In three years she will be an adult (at least according to the law). She looks at me like I'm crazy cause to her three years is still a lifetime away. But I'm not so young anymore, and to me three years flies by before I know it. I enjoy seeing her change and grow, but I can't help but think I am much too young to be facing the reality of letting go of my baby. But she's not a little girl anymore.

Maybe it's hitting me a little hard because I am about to be 35. By no means do I see myself as old, but I am at the point in my life where I am facing the reality that I am not that young anymore either.

It is also hitting me that my husband only has 5 years left in the military. When I was still oh, so young, and time passed a bit more slowly... retirement was a lifetime away. I have always liked the security I feel knowing Paul won't lose his job, and we always have health insurance. I know twice a month, like clockwork, his pay will be there no matter what. And there was always so much time left before facing the "real world".... but now that real world is calling out to me.

I see the end of his career looming closer and I admit it scares me a bit. I know he will have good job prospects when he gets out of the service, but we will be facing the unknown. Of course I recognize that God will have something great for him (and probably even way better because there will be no more deployments... yippie!). But still it is hard not to cling to the known... the comfortable.

I have to remind myself that the Bible tells us not to worry. Don't worry about tomorrow, for today has enough worries of it's own. Don't worry about the future, because God has a plan for a hope and a future, a plan to prosper not harm.

I think about our economy and the spiritual state of this country. It can be saddening and overwhelming at times. But I know God is in charge. He is in control. A friend recently told me that she believes that our country will have to fall apart before Jesus can return. You know, that kind of made sense a bit. She said that America is like that codependent rescuer... out to save everyone else around the world, and how is the world going to be willing to follow a one world rule (the antichrist mentioned on Revelations) unless we as a country fall apart and can no longer be the ones to keep everything and everyone "together"?

I wonder about what kind of world will be here for my children to raise their children in. We live in the Land of the Free, however, conservative Christian faith is being subtly attacked and our rights are being chipped away little by little.

All these thoughts and feelings cascade my mind.... but I know the answer is simple. I need to keep my eyes on Jesus. I need to serve him with my life, and focus on working for His kingdom rather than focusing on all these "what if's" of the world.

Lord, thank you that you bring peace and comfort even during uncertain or scary times. Help me stay focused on you, Lord, knowing that I cannot really do anything about my circumstances other than to surrender to you. I love you. Amen.

Because I Want To, Not Cause I Have To

So there are all of these great things going on around me that I have wanted to be a part of... joining in my church's "Year of the Bible" where I committed to reading a chapter a day and journaling once a week, the "40 Day Love Dare" based on the Fireproof movie, along with working on the Thin Within/Thin Again and other healing processes. These are all things I wanted to commit to. However, I am realizing that once I commit, I shut down. I don't do it. I am behind. I am overwhelmed.

So why is this happening? I am reminded of Romans 8 when Paul refers to doing things I don't want to do and not doing the things I do want to. This is where I am at. I want to read my Bible each day, but I don't. I want to journal each week, but I don't. I want to pray with my husband each day, but I don't. I want to do family worship and devotionals, but we don't. The list goes on and on.

But today I realized that each time I decided to take one of these things on, especially if I have officially "committed to it" (our church uses commitment cards to encourage participation)... I change my "want to" into a "have to", and this is powerful ammunition for my flesh. My flesh rebels... HARD against "have to's". If I think I have to do something, I set myself up for failure time and time again. I think I cannot do it or follow through, so I don't. Then I begin to feel guilty because I committed but then don't do what I said I would. With the guilt comes condemnation, which in turn fuels the "I can't do it" thinking which feeds the feelings of being overwhelmed.

But here is the truth. I NEED to be fed by the spirit of God each day. I WANT to be fed by the spirit of God each day. I have the FREEDOM to choose to be fed or go hungry, there is NO "have to"..... no guilt, no condemnation.

Lord God, fill my heart with you this day. I want to be consumed by your spirit to the point that I want to seek you out each morning because I know I cannot truly live without you. Turn all of my "have to's" back to "want to's" and my "all or nothing" thinking into balanced thinking. Thank you for your unconditional love and grace. I love you. Amen.

Pouring Out God's Love

Did you know that God wants to pour his love out on you? Do you feel it? Can you receive it?

For five years now I have been learning and reading about God's love... that He loves me. But I (as well as many others out there) have had a lot of trouble really believing it deep inside. It is head knowledge that has been lacking deep in my heart.

I grew up in a less than nurturing home where the feelings of love were hard to give and receive. My parents were not able to fulfill my deepest needs, and as a result I thought it was my fault (as many very young children do) and spent much of my life feeling unworthy of love.

I would be continually amazed as I got older when someone would want to spend time with me (because so many more did not) or would show interest in me, because deep down I felt disqualified somehow to be liked or loved by anyone else. I could not see what others saw in me. I didn't even know, or want to know, who I really was because I was so busy trying to please everyone around me in hopes of finding the love I so needed. I thought I had to be what they wanted, and perfect, for anyone to want to be with me.

So it really is no wonder why I could not accept God's love when I could barely accept it from my peers. I also had an unhealthy need of approval coupled with an extreme fear of authority. And who could be a greater authority than God Almighty?

How could I be good enough or worthy of God's love? I had equated love with approval and did not understand that someone, especially God, could love me simply for who I am, faults and all.

Over the years I have grown to trust in the Lord more and more, and that has helped me to grow closer to God. I have come to be able to see value in who He has created me to be and to embrace the giftings He has placed in my life.

But I was still being driven by this deep fear of rejection. Do I really believe that God loves ME? That he will NEVER reject me? I know it in my head, but can I really believe it in my heart? In the depth of my soul and spirit? Can I rest in the Father's love? Can I walk through any trial or times of trouble knowing I will come through it with the Lord's strength because of his incredible love for me?

I have been afraid to let go of my whole heart and surrender every ounce of it to God. I have been afraid because of feelings of rejection and criticism from my earthly parents. I had thought I had to make them happy and earn their love, that I had to be perfect.

Well, knowing I am not and cannot be perfect, nor could I make them happy (as if their happiness or unhappiness was based on me).... you can see the damage that can do to a small child. And my mother was not happy in her life with three small children. She was living a life she had "settled for", rather than the one she really wanted. And there was so much hurt in her that came out on us kids through critical words, judgments, and bitterness. That translated over into my psyche as rejection.

And I know that my father loved me, but he himself has told me that he "didn't know what to do with me (because I was such a sensitive child), so he just left me to my mother to deal with". Again, this left a scar of rejection imprinted on my soul.

So if deep down inside you feel rejected by the two people who are supposed to love you no matter what, then how can you possible trust or believe in God's unconditional love? We tend to transfer our feelings and experiences of our parents and their parenting onto God. And if you do that.... then maybe you see God as critical and judgmental or passive and uninterested. You either fear that He will hurt and lash out at you, or maybe you cannot believe He will really be there to meet your needs. If you did not know how to feel or receive your parents' love, then how can you believe that God loves us?

But He does! He loves us in ways that even the most loving parents in the world could never do. Isn't that amazing?

So this weekend, I have begun to open my heart.... my whole heart to God, to receive the love that He wants to pour over me. He has told me how worthy I am and how much He loves me. But more than that, he has given me a wonderful gift!

He told me that my parents did not reject ME, they just did not know HOW to love me!

That was such a powerful statement that I cannot even begin to fully express it in words. But somehow, it has lifted a weight.... this veil covering my heart and shielding it from rejection. A veil meant to shelter me from hurt but ultimately preventing me from receiving the good as well.

It gives me hope that I can completely free my heart from the anger and bitterness that has taken root over the years because of that deep feeling of rejection. I can release it to God and bask in his love for me!

Father God, thank you so much for this wonderful gift.... this gift of your love being poured out on me! I want to bask in it forever, soaking up its healing power and strength. I ask that you reach out to everyone reading this and touch them with your love. Open their hearts to receive you so that they, too, can learn to rest in the Father's love. Give me the wisdom and strength to be an encouragement to my family as they, too, learn to rest in your love for them. I love you. Amen.

Letting Go of Labels

For years I have been living under various labels... some given to me and some self imposed. But this weekend, I realized the labels that I have allowed to control my life and determine my self image/value have always been negative ones.

I'm a perfectionist, a control freak.
I'm an addict, out of control and/or fat.
I'm unhealthy and codependent.
I'm depressed and wounded.
I am a slob and unable to keep my house clean.
I am lazy and selfish.
I'm this... or that.... It doesn't really matter what I fill in the blank with.

I have some dear friends (and you know who you are....) who have called me on this on several occasions. They gently, but lovingly remind me that I am not whatever label I have given myself. They remind me that I need to let go of that label instead of claiming it.

"Kim," they would say, "You are not codependent! That isn't WHO you are. It is a problem God has brought you out of, and you really need to stop claiming that!"

Of course I often listen and apply it to that particular occasion. But I had never connected it to the bigger picture... the pattern I have been living in. I somehow hadn't realized with complete comprehension that it isn't something I do here or there.... it is reoccurring over and over in different aspects of my life. It was said this weekend by our guest speaker at the retreat that "there is a greater reality than our limited perceptions." And this is exactly the reason a recent acquaintance said to me that "I am healthier than I give myself credit for".

So this weekend, GOD has called me on it! He has shown me how I have continually clung to the negative labels. Through the words of our guest speaker, God has given me the only lable I have ever needed or will ever need again...

I AM THE DAUGHTER OF THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE! (that makes me a princess, by the way.... just as every single one of His children is a prince or a princess!)

Wow! Imagine the strength and power of that statement if we really believe it and apply it to our lives!

We are children of God. Our purpose in this life is to serve and love our Lord, and this is what we need to cling to. This is what should define us. Not our successes or failures. Not our jobs or titles or accomplishments. We are treasured by God because He loves us. And we are free by God's grace to be anything and everything He has called and created us to be!

How amazing!

Lord God, thank you for this amazing word in my life this weekend. Please forgive me for clinging to titles and accomplishments (or lack thereof) to define who I am. Lord, I lay all the labels down before you at the cross. I give them up to you, Lord God, and instead choose to define myself with your label.... Daughter of the King! I love you! Amen.

Something So Obvious!

Have you ever known something about yourself for a long time, at least on the surface... yet find yourself so suddenly amazed at the truth behind it?

I have always known that I fear rejection. To be honest, I think almost everyone does on some level.

But I am talking about a fear so ingrained that it literally controls you and changes who you are and how you respond to God and the world. I did not realize how deep it is, how much of a root it is to the strongholds of my life. I didn't realize that it is this fear of rejection, stemming from my very early childhood-even before I was born, that has completely shaped my self esteem, my relationships, my attitudes, my anger and bitterness, my judgmentalness, and my social anxieties and people pleasing problems. In a nut-shell.... all of the codependent behaviors, anxieties, addictions, and depression in my life is based a great deal on my fear of rejection.

It makes sense to me now, all those years of hiding.... wanting to blend in or be invisible. I didn't talk to people unless they talked to me. I was filled with so much anxiety in social situations that I kept people at a distance, rarely letting anyone in to see the real me. I didn't even want to know for most of my life who I even was, maybe afraid that I'd even reject myself. My whole life I would say, do, or be what other people wanted so they would not reject me outright, all the while almost never receiving the love and acceptance I so disparately wanted.

It also makes sense why I spent so many years numbing myself with television and food. They were my friends. They would NEVER reject me. They brought me comfort and companionship when I thought I was unworthy to deserve that from legitimate sources. They dulled my pain so I wouldn't have to live in reality for face the fact that I had difficult things to deal with.

And then here is the truly ironic part of it all, and I know all of you fellow food abusers will understand me here..... the exact thing I was using for comfort was also driving me further into my world of rejection, a sort of self-sabotage. Heavy people are not popular or looked at by the world with respect and love. They are condemned for being fat and out of control. "We don't have will power or we must be ignorant for living in our unhealthy lifestyles." I think very few people stop to realize that someone who is obese (and I was there at 243 pounds) is a person who is really hurting deep down inside. And I think way too often they are in many ways only surviving and not really living.... at least that was where I was.

Even after I became a believer in Jesus, it still took me a very long time to start living and stop "surviving". Looking back, I can see that it took me a very long time to believe that God would not reject me. God loved me no matter what, even at 243 pounds. Of course He wants to heal me and help me move towards a healthy weight and a healthy life... but along that journey (and even if we never end up setting foot on that journey), He will ALWAYS love us. No Matter What!!!

Lord God, thank you for saving me. Thank you for opening my eyes to the roots so that I can be free from them. Thank you for all the work you have already done in me, freeing me from addictions, codependent relationships, social anxieties and depression. Lord, you have broken my heart for the heavy.... the heavy in weight and in spirit. My heart cries out for those who are stuffing their pain with food, like I once did.... and I cry out for them that you would bring them release and healing, strength to face their pain and release it to you, Lord God. I love you. Amen.

The Food Addict in Reverse?

20 months ago I embarked on a journey called Thin Within. A support group was started in my church, and we met for about 8 months. I was the "success story" of that group, losing 40 pounds in that period of time. But more importantly, I was well on my way to the real journey of healing.... a journey leading to Jesus himself.

Unfortunately, the group withered and eventually ended, but I continued on my journey. I have battled losing and gaining the same 8 pounds ever since the group ended... but I continued working through, as best I could, my issues that were causing me to turn to food.

Once arriving here in New Mexico, I had no support system, and definitely no Thin Within support group. I began to fall away a bit as I struggled adjusting to a new place. But now I am back on track, and so grateful that my former group leader is now my "desert buddy". We are out in this wilderness together, supporting each other and talking weekly as we work through our issues (many are the same for both of us).

This past week has been very challenging for me as God is really bringing up some deep roots. I am discovering strongholds in my life and the roots to those strongholds. I am trying to walk through releasing this deep, deep inner junk to my Lord and break free.

As a result, I am experiencing much opposition and warfare. I have sliced up my thumb, experienced a good depression spell sending my hubby into a bit of a tizzy, had problems with our van starting that come and go at seemly random and inconvenient times, the toilet flooded the bathroom one instant but then was just fine the next, oh and we can't forget the mice! I also have been fighting migraines... and this is just been the last week and a half!

I am also getting ready to go on a women's retreat at our church.... a retreat that I expect will really bring about something awesome in my life. So unfortunately, I am expecting the warfare to continue. I just remind myself whenever it seems that I am under attack, that means I am on the right track and making incredible progress for God.

Usually, as a recovering food addict, anything emotional or stressful sends me running for food. I admit that when Paul was on his retreat last month, I had a lot of trouble with food and television. I am used to him being gone, he is in the Navy afterall. But he has been here every day for over 5 months, and I have become quite used to it. But having him leave sent me back in that old pattern of numbing myself through the time to try to make it go faster. (Doesn't work, by the way!)

But a funny thing has happened to me this week. Amist all the stress and mental and emotional turmoil, I have not wanted to turn to food. In fact, the exact opposite has plagued me. I have not wanted to eat. By the time Paul arrived home around lunchtime on Saturday, I was not only depressed but also becoming physically ill because I had not eaten anything. Between the emotions and the bottoming sugar levels, I was not really even able to talk to him (thus sending him into a tizzy... he doesn't like it when I can't/won't talk to him and am not acting like myself cause he doesn't know how to help me).

With my migraines and revelations these past couple of days, I have had to focus on making myself eat so that I do not make myself ill. I normally don't have too much trouble with my blood sugar, but not eating or drinking anything for longer periods of time will mess anyone up.

But who would of guessed? A food addict who doesn't want to eat? Hmmmm...

Lord Jesus, thank you for being right here beside me for every step of this journey. Thank you for your comfort and understanding, as you know exactly what it means to suffer. Thank you that food has not had a huge pull on me this week, but I ask that you protect me from the pendulum swinging the opposite way.... for not eating is just as unhealthy and dysfunctional as eating too much. Help keep me balanced as I continue to move forward in you. I love you. Amen.

My Confession of Bitterness...

This week I have had a major breakthrough in my journey of healing. I am getting to the root, and the Lord is showing me things I need to face to find the healing I am striving for. Once again I have looked at "symptoms", not quite seeing how they all work together.

I have been a professional number (numb-er... as in to numb myself. Just had to throw that in cause it looked like number, as in a numeral) ...for the first 34 years of my life, but I have completely abandoned that profession (so to speak) this year. Ok, I haven't completely abandoned the behavior (still walking that one out each and every day), but I have given up the title.

I am not numbing myself with drugs (antidepressants) or addictions (food, tv, etc.), so that leaves me with a choice every time I begin to feel the pain I have been running from.... because stuff comes to the surface when you are feeling everything. I can choose to move forward and ask God to show me what I'm dealing with so He can walk me through it and heal me, or I can return to my numbing ways and avoid it.

Of course I do not want to move backwards, so in that sense it is not a choice at all.... I have to choose to move forward. So I have been learning to grieve things in my past that I had no control over... things that hurt and damaged me. I have had to start facing anger that sits under the surface mocking me.... this anger I have been so afraid of for so long. I have been trying to figure out how to let go and forgive. All these things I have looked at, one at a time as they have come up.... not seeing the bigger picture.

I grew up with a controlling and critical mother. She was not a nurturing person by nature, and her dysfunctional upbringing did not prepare her to be the loving mother of three babies in three years time. I know in my heart that she did the best she knew how. And she loved us as much as she knew how. But we three kids grew up without a lot of what we needed to live emotionally stable and healthy lives.

As different events happened in my life, as hurtful situations happened and hurtful words were said... they were filed deep inside because I could not handle dealing with them. I did not recognize or process anything through the years, and now I am left with 34 years of hurts and memories.

I have tried to forgive, but as each new memory comes, I feel the pain again and again. But worse than that, I have allowed years of repressed anger to fester. This festering anger has turned into a huge amount of bitterness in my heart. And this bitterness is keeping me in a place where I cannot move forward.

I knew I was angry. I have been angry with my mother on and off for 10 years. But I had not realized how avoiding that anger has allowed it to turn into something even uglier. Years of judgment and resentment have cascaded into a bitterness so strong that it has completely hardened my heart. It is a horrible thing to admit, but right now this bitterness is so strong that it has almost completely blocked off all feelings of love and good will. I want to love my mother. I want to show her the love of Jesus through me. But right now I am so shut down that I cannot even imagine a day when that can happen.

I recently posted about my confession of judgment and how I have clung to my judgments rather than to move forward. I did not realize then how it is being completely fueled by my bitterness.

At an alter call yesterday, my pastor encouraged anyone needing to let go of "bad grief" (the kind we cling to to look back and scorn and criticize- to allow us to harbor resentments) to come lay it at the alter and ask Jesus to help let it go. Because as long as we hold onto it, we will not move forward... it will continue to hold us back.

So I knelt at the alter, and I cried out to the Lord.... "Why can I not let her go? Why can I not forgive her?". And the Lord showed me the bitterness in my heart. He showed me that until I release the bitterness to Him, my heart will remain cold and hard. I have to let it go to Him. I have to surrender my mother and my judgments to Him. I have to forgive to release my heart from this stone prison.

Today I printed out and read some notes from a conference a friend of mine had attended at her church. (She had emailed them to me Saturday evening but I had not had the opportunity to read them until today.) One of the topics was on strongholds. A stronghold is like a prison in our lives that Satan uses to keep us from God. They come about when we hand over ground to the enemy of our souls... allowing him the access he needs that binds us..... through lies, doubt, temptation, and sin. And the longer we allow access, the stronger that stronghold gets in our life. Then it listed three main areas that gives Satan ground; bitterness, greed (idolatry), and immorality.

DING, DING, DING! The bells are ringing now!

Before I became a Christian, there was definitely immorality prevailing in my life. But after coming to the Lord, He changed my heart in many areas. I repented of my past and now live my life for the Lord.

Since beginning on this journey of healing, I have come face to face with my addictions (idolatries), and again the Lord has been changing my heart. I have been learning to turn to Him, not to things of this world to satisfy my needs.

But bitterness..... here is ground that I have not turned over to God. I have wanted to, but I have not been able to let go. They call it a stronghold for a reason! And in the notes, it refers to how God gives bitter people over to tormentors to afflict our souls. These tormentors can include: fears, doubt, anxiety, uncontrolled anger, eating disorders, depression....

Hmmm? Sound familiar? These are all "symptoms" I have been battling. But they aren't really individual problems to conquer.... the root cause of all these things is a stronghold. And right now, that stronghold is bitterness.

Here are two passages I found in the Bible referring to bitterness (I added the italics and bold print for emphasis)...

Hebrews 12:14-16 (New Living Translation)

A Call to Listen to God

14 Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. 15 Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. 16 Make sure that no one is immoral or godless like Esau, who traded his birthright as the firstborn son for a single meal.

Ephesians 4:30-32 (New Living Translation)

30 And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Here the Bible refers to bitterness as "poisonous". I just read an article that called bitterness "cancer of the soul". The Lord wants us to #1... PREVENT bitterness from taking root in our lives.... we do this by not harboring anger, by resolving conflicts and processing our crap as it comes up. I experienced a situation last year that was very difficult for me to go through, and a friend warned me to not allow bitterness to take root in the situation. I took that to heart, and although it took me many months to resolve my feeling in that situation, I did not allow my anger to turn to bitterness.

But what happens when the anger has been denied so long that it is already bitterness by the time you deal with it? That's were the #2 comes in... the Lord wants us to get rid of the bitterness! And of course the rage, anger, harsh words and slander... because that's what leads to the bitterness. As long as we continue to dwell on the anger and speak in harsh words, it will continue to fester that anger until bitterness is the result.

In my reading today on bitterness, it was stated that "the irony of bitterness is that it ties us emotionally to the person we are bitter toward". How true that is. I have been trying to separate myself from the dysfunction of my relationship with my mother... to process the pain and grief and move forward and heal, to figure out who I am outside of who she wants me to be (after years of trying to be who she wanted).... but instead I am completely drawn back to the pain and dysfunction... I cannot break free. I couldn't see before now that my inability and unwillingness to forgive her is what is binding me to her. The bitterness has been eating me alive, and I could not see that I have to let it go, or else I am letting it grow.

And the absolute worse thing about bitterness is that it can build a wall between you and God... it can prevent you from feeling God's love. It can drive God's grace from your heart. It is the "soul cancer" that can kill our souls just as cancer kills our physical bodies. The article talked about how God's grace and our bitterness cannot live in the same heart. Either God's grace will push out the bitterness, or our bitterness will push out God's grace.

I think I prefer God's grace!

Lord God, thank you for the painful truths you have brought into my life this week. I will rest in your courage and strength as I ask you to search my heart and show me what you want me to change... what you want me to let go of. Lord, take this bitterness from me, I give it to you. Help me walk through this process... to let go of it all and release it to you... to give forgiveness so that I may find my freedom in you! Soften my heart and fill me with your peace and comfort, Lord God. I love you. Amen.

My Finger Woes....

... or should I say, my thumb!
CAUTION.....graphic content... if you get whoozy hearing about bloody medical problems, you may not wish to continue reading.

So....Last night I was using a very sharp serrated knife to level a still somewhat frozen cake. Usually I level a cake before freezing, but as you may remember from my last post, the afore mentioned mouse in my kitchen caused the sudden need for cakes to be placed in safe and secure places... like the freezer.

Well, before I knew what had happened, the sharp knife slipped somewhat and went flying up through the cake and right through my left thumb. I calmly called out to my husband that I had cut myself, and badly. We wrapped the thumb and headed off to the post clinic. Did I mention it was already pushing 9 p.m. and after the time he wanted to head to bed cause he had to be at work at 5 a.m. this morning?

So we head into the clinic, and a young soldier greets me with a, "Hi, what can we help you with this evening?" I announce my folly of trying to hack off the end of my thumb while trying to decorating a cake. The second guy says, "Cool, can I see it?" while the first asked me if the cake won, to which I said, "No, the knife did!" It was all quite the humorous start to an unpleasant evening.

I could tell that this clinic is not used to much evening emergency action. Although everyone was very nice and friendly, there seemed to be a bit of bumbling around. It actually took them quite awhile to figure out what even to do with my thumb.... stitches, Dermabond, or even just wrapping it tightly without doing anything at all.

It was decided to try the Dermabond, and they numbed the thumb so they could really move it around to see what was going on. Then it was determined that I had sliced through a chunk of nail, so that was removed. After that, they could not get the bleeding to stop and didn't think the glue method was going to work. But with the nail gone, there was a place (and room) to stitch.... so two stitches I got.

And a tetanus shot. YUCK! I thought they were good for 10 years.... but apparently the military clinic will give one to you if it has been more than five years since the last. And since it has been six years and one month, my file was red flagged to receive one. Of course I got that on the opposite arm as my hurt hand, so I was hurting on both sides. Made sleeping last night a little challenging.

Now my thumb is all wrapped up with bandages and a "gingerbread man", which is a five pronged, cushioned metal thingy that surrounds and protects my thumb, and it kind of looks like a blue gingerbread man hugging my thumb. I have to wear it for three days, and keep it completely dry for a week until I go in to have the stitches removed. When the wrapping comes off I will have some exposed nail bed, which I have been told will be the most unpleasant part of the experience/recovery. It has been throbbing a bit, but mostly it isn't too bad.

I got praises all around for being "such a trooper".... I guess some big guy had been in a week or so before me with basically the same procedure, and he did not remain so calm and put together. I just told them I try to keep things in perspective. If I can give birth to three children, the first an emergency c-section and the second a 9 pounder with an unmedicated VBAC (vaginal birth after C-section).... then I think I can handle some needles in my thumb... and arm. Yes it was unpleasant. Yes, it hurt. But it compared to childbirth and surgery? Not so much.

I am thankful that no greater damage was done... although I currently have a wrinkle on the end of my thumb.... the gal said to me, "you know how sometimes when you sew fabric together you get a little bit of a wrinkle at the bottom?" So you can guess the rest on that one. But the thumb will be fine, and may not even have much of a scar. And the nail will grow back eventually. I will have to be really careful in the bath for a few days. Paul will have to help me wash my hair in the kitchen sink. The girls will have to take over all the dish duties, and some of the cooking this week. And I get to take it a little easy.

But most of all, I am thankful this was a cake for Paul's work, and NOT for Picnic in the Park (where I make cake for 250 people). That would not have been good.

A friend of mine does a weekly post she calls "Not Me Monday" where she writes of all the things she "doesn't" do..... a confession of sorts. Personally, I have never felt the urging to post these myself. I often just fess up to said stupidities (such as in this post) with a, "Yup, I did it!" but I have decided this experience would be hilarious in a short UNofficial version of "Not ME".... so here goes.


It was NOT ME who was not paying atention while using a sharp knife. And of course I NEVER try to level frozen cakes because I am too smart for that. (And It was NOT ME who was so terrified of that little mousey that caused all this trouble to begin with!!!) And it was definitely NOT ME who then hacked the end of her thumb and part of her nail.

And it was certainly NOT ME who walked in my door and then picked up the same said sharp knife to finish leveling the cake that sat unattended on my counter while working around a hugely bandaged thumb. Of course I would NEVER chance cutting another finger off.

I know... pretty dumb, but quite funny! I hope the guys at the Desert Ship enjoyed the cake. Chocolate cake, plain white frosting. In fact, it was the worst looking cake I have made since I started decorating.... but I'm sure it tasted good.

Dear Lord, thank you for protecting me from further hurts and giving me strength through this experience. Thank you for a wonderful and supportive husband who loves me more than sleep. Help my thumb heal quickly, and help me be able to release control of my kitchen and get some extra rest. I love you. Amen.

My Confession of FEAR...

Supposedly, the Bible says "do not fear" 365 times in the Bible. I tried to look them all up once, to see how many there were.... but alas that project never came to fruition.

But it is clear that over and over again the Lord tells us "do not fear"..... and I cannot help but wonder how we are supposed to do this (how I am supposed to do this) when I have a MOUSE crawling across my floor. AND IN MY BEDROOM!!!

I may have traumatized my teenager a bit as I hovered practically on top of her on the couch while crying uncontrollably. She's never seen this side of her mother before. But the fact is, I have an irrational fear of mice and rats that I had hoped I would never come face to face with. I had hoped and prayed I would never have to face the dilemma of "how to get rid of that mouse in your house", because I had always hoped to never see one.

Well, having that hope squashed, and spending an hour and a half in the fetal position crying on my couch because there was a rodent in my bedroom (and the living room, and the laundry room, and the kitchen...while I was in the kitchen, that little sucker went everywhere)... I began to feel a bit silly and ashamed for how badly and childishly I reacted. Coming to New Mexico, I thought my biggest fear would be the tarantulas.... but I stood a foot away from two different huge, black fuzzy spiders without freaking out at all. Nope, it was the mouse that completely unglued me.

My husband was quite sweet about it and chose NOT to make fun of me (smart fellow, that one). But he did ask me why I was so terrified. I said I guess it goes back to my elementary school days when they brought the whole school into the gym to watch this terrifying movie about how dangerous and deadly mice and rats are because of all the diseases they carry. I determined on that day walking home that I never wanted to encounter one. I guess you could say that school assembly scarred me for life.

So my sweet husband started researching about mice, and he has assured me that we have a pretty typical (but harmless) house mouse that is not disease infested. I guess knowing this has helped because the next afternoon when my mother-in-law announced, "Paul, there's a mouse under your couch... I just saw it crawl under there.".... I did not totally freak out. I shuddered a bit, and I left the room cause I did not want to see it again.

So Paul and his dad closed the pocket doors to keep it in that part of the house so they could try to find it. No such luck. It was MIA, at least for the moment. It was found a few hours later as Nikki came out into the kitchen to announce it had joined her in her room, presently residing under her bed. Although not completely freaked out like her mom (she was amazingly calm about the whole situation!!!), she did not like the thought of having said mouse under her bed.

So Paul and Tricia went off to get rid of the mouse. Nikki's room has a door that leads outside to the back patio, so they were able to close her bedroom door, open the outer door, jump on the bed while making all kinds of racket, and then ultimately chase the little critter outside. Of course there is no guarantee that it will remain outside. It did find it's way here in the first place. But I am happy to report that although our traps remain empty, I haven't seen any sign of mice. Regardless, Paul put us on the housing list for pest control.

So I am left to learn to turn this fear over to God, to let him comfort me when I feel terrified of this situation.... oh yeah, and to ignore the few who have thought it fun to tease me by reminding me that I am "so much bigger than a mouse... and shouldn't the mouse be more afraid of me, the giant, than I should be of it?.... blah, blah, blah".

Lord God, fill me with your peace, strength, and courage when I face things that terrify me... even mice in my house. Remind me that you are so much bigger than any fear I have. You are the ultimate comforter. I love you. Amen.

By the way.... for those who have known me a long time.... the complete irony of this situation is that in the last 2o years of my life, I have COLLECTED mice. Mouse stuffed animals. Mouse ornaments. Mouse statues and figurines. Anything cute and mousey..... JUST NOT THE REAL ONES!

My Confession of Obsession

I have an unhealthy relationship.... with my bathroom scale. A day doesn't go by without my stepping on the thing several times, usually two or three times in a row. Each morning I wake up. Each time I take a shower after working out. Each evening before I go to bed.

Thin Within (a grace oriented approach to weight loss) will tell you to abandon your scale, only checking your weight occasionally. We know when weight is dropping by the feel and fit of our clothes. The author talks about how easy it is to use what number we see on the screen to affect our process of turning to God to heal us and allowing Him to bring us to our God given size. If our weight goes down, we may be tempted to "celebrate" by eating something. If it goes up, we may get frustrated and angry with ourselves, and eat something to make ourselves feel better.

Now I assert that these have not been problems for me. I have not celebrated decreasing numbers with food, nor have I eaten just because the numbers went up or stayed the same for long periods of time.

But I do admit that my scale has a pull on me so strong that I am now acknowledging that it borders on obsession. I have used it as an excuse to make sure that I am not getting off track and gaining too much. If the numbers go up, then knowing that will help me know to refocus. But if I am honest with myself, my clothes tell me without even seeing the numbers when I am heading in the wrong direction.

And now I am beginning to realize that maybe this is that one final step to complete surrender that has been holding me back. Because if I am always checking to see what my "progress" is.... than in those moments I am choosing to focus on my performance rather than my Lord's provision. I am thinking about ways "I can do better" rather than focusing on surrendering to the Lord.

My ultimate goal in this journey should be seeking God and His healing and growing in relationship with Him. Becoming my God-given size should be the joyous side effect of this.... not the destination of the journey. But each time I obsessively step on my scale, I am making my weight the destination, not God.

So this morning I got up, and while in my bathroom I ignored my scale. Let me tell you, that was not easy. I also did not weigh myself at all yesterday. I am realizing that it has been something I have "needed", and not in a healthy way but an idolatrous one. So the scale obsession must go. I know it will probably take me awhile before I don't hunger for those numbers.... staring at the scale like I used to at chocolate.... when choosing to walk away leaves you craving for the very thing you are denying yourself.

Ideally, I would like to reach my mind's idea of my weight goal.... about another 20 to 30 pounds. This places me right in the middle of my healthy weight range where I will no longer be characterized as overweight (I am only about 11 pounds away from no longer being considered overweight for my height).

However, more importantly I want to grow in my relationship with the Lord, allowing Him to heal me and make me healthy so that I can do His Kingdom's work that He calls me to do. I have tried to keep my focus on that goal.... not on how much weight I have or will lose. But it is difficult to NOT focus on weight, especially when I am worshipping my scale instead of my God.

Lord God, thank you so much for your grace and provision. Thank you for revelation You give to Your children when they are following the wrong paths. Lord, I surrender my scale to You. Forgive me for turning to my scale before You, and I now surrender it to You. Fill me with Your peace and comfort that I will never be able to find in the number I have allowed to define my identity. Let me find my identity in You instead. I love you. Amen.

My Confession of Judgement

I had a very interesting conversation with a new friend today.

I walked by her house to thank her for her compassion that she had shown me during a meeting last week. I was upset but didn't want to talk about it there, and she apologized if she said anything to bring something up, and assured me with her words and actions that it was ok to not talk about it. Then she said something funny to make me laugh and put me at ease before the rest of the ladies joined us at the table where we were sitting. I felt the love and compassion in her gesture, and it touched my heart.

So I stopped by to thank her, and she invited me in for a chat. I then spent the next two and a half hours opening my heart to this new friend, this woman of God. She listened. She restated what she heard me saying. She encouraged me and opened my mind. I hadn't realized how much I was missing this sort of interaction.

As she sat there giving me hard truths to swallow.... accurate assessments of some of the things I was saying where I needed to change my thought patterns and attitudes, I looked at her with a very grumpy face. I really wasn't liking some of the things she was bold enough to tell me. I wasn't liking them because she was speaking truth that until now I wasn't wanting to hear.

I could feel the grumpy demeanor on my face and announced that I was not giving her that face because I was objecting to or not hearing or agreeing with what she was saying. I was giving the grumpy face because I was having to admit the truth behind her words.... truth that would cause me to reevaluate myself and make changes for the better. (She then told me she recognized the face for what it was... cause she, too, gets that same grumpy face).

As I listened to her tell me what she was hearing me say... (I was basically conveying the same message over and over in many different ways), I began to hear myself in ways I haven't before. I have had other friends, one in particular, who is quite good at this. I am just rambling on trying to figure out what is going on in me, but she could hear what lies beneath.... the message that comes out time and again that I was unaware of. She could connect the dots I couldn't see. But as I listened to her say "What I hear you saying is......", I was beginning to see those dots. And I have to admit that I did not like what I was seeing.

I have a judgment problem. I grew up in a very critical and judgmental home, and this way of thinking is so ingrained in me that it is second nature. But the Bible tells us to judge not lest we ourselves be judged. I try so hard not to judge people, but particularly in situations where I have been hurt or offended, this has been almost impossible for me to do. I may not necessarily act upon said judgments, or speak them.... but it is a sin in my life that I not only have little control over, but one I have not truly acknowleged, repented of, or turned over to God.

Case in point, the mother that came stomping over to my house when my son lost his temper and hit her child. I judged her harshly and want to keep my distance at all costs.... and there is no love for her whom I have set a grudge against in my heart. This is definitely NOT Jesus in me... this lack of love for what one might consider an "enemy".

I also know that I have harshly judged my family. I have not loved and accepted them for who they are. Instead I cling to our dysfunction that I so desparately want to be freed of.... and I use that judgement and the excuse of abandoning all dysfunction to stay as far away as I can. But if I am really honest with myself. This is not loving them or accepting them for who they are. And it is not showing them the love of Jesus either.

But dealing with my past is painful. The dysfunction is painful. Loving them is painful. So I have clung to my sinful judgment instead of working through my pain. And as I see it.... where judgment begins pride soon follows.

And I am now realizing that I have to take the same steps to conquer these sins as I have taken in my sin of overeating. I have to acknowledge the problem. I struggle with being prideful and judgmental of others. I have to repent. Lord, please forgive me for these sins. And I have to SURRENDER them to the Lord. Lord Jesus, please help me let go to love other people without judgment and criticism. Heal my heart, Lord God.

I walked away from my encounter this morning with wonderful encouragement.... and words of wisdom. My new friend told me today that I am way healthier than I am giving myself credit for, and I am holding on to a lot of garbage that I need to get rid of so that I can step completely out and be me. She also told me that when I can completely love myself, exactly who I am, faults and all.... that freedom will help me to love others the way Jesus desires me to.

So I guess it's time to take out the trash!

Lord God, thank you for placing someone here in my life in New Mexico that I was able to be real and honest with.... someone who was able to be real and honest with me. Please help me let go of this judgmentalness that has plagued me my whole life. I surrender it all to you Lord God. Fill my heart with your spirit and for your love towards all people. Give me guidance and direction to help me sort through my pain and emotions, and help me let go once and for all of all this junk that is bogging me down. I love you. Amen.

Sad Day

I am having a sad day. I am grieving the loss of a friendship that meant very much to me. For months I have been trying to hide from grieving any of the lost or damaged relationships in my life. It has seemed easier to just push it all away and pretend it isn't real. But I live in the world of reality now. And I am trying to walk in it each day. And part of reality is feeling. And today I am feeling sad.

In reality. I am mourning the loss of two special women in my life (and their beautiful children that had come to mean so much to me). The first friendship I laid at the feet of Jesus. I must admit that in the aftermath, my human self did not handle the situation in the best way possible as I was barely surviving through that time. A lot of pain resulted, and I do not know if this friendship will be able to be repaired to begin anew sometime in the future. I pray that the Lord will be able to heal us both and repair the damage done. But only time will tell.

The second friendship, at least at the moment, seems to be a casualty of circumstance. I moved 2000 miles away. I love this dear friend so much, and I know she feels the same. But somehow, the sudden void of each in the other's life has been harder on each of us than we probably ever imagined. Kinda like that old saying, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone!"

We didn't really have a phone relationship/friendship in Virginia. We almost always interacted face to face..... and I have not made the transition well from close to long-distance friend. I have not been good about keeping in touch for a few reasons. For starters it seems her life is so chaotic with little ones that I am afraid to disturb her schedule.... along with a time change that seems to mess me up on good times to call.

But if I am really honest, I miss her presence so much that it hurts. I read her blog daily, hungry to know what is going on in her life. But trying to call is painful because it just reminds me that I cannot go see her whenever I want. We cannot hang out and eat Chinese food together and have wonderful conversations. I can't cry on her shoulder when I am having an absolutely horrible day, nor can I do anything to help her when she's having a hard time. And as she is a military wife who does not have a heart for settling in Virginia, I fear that by the time we make it back that way, she'll be gone. I wonder to myself if she will ever be a physical presence in my life again, and that thought makes me want to cry.

I haven't called because I haven't wanted to face the pain I feel.... like somehow talking to her will make me hurt more. Of course in reality this is nonsense. I was elated the one conversation we did have. I was so excited to hear from her and talk to her. But then time passes, and life goes on and the sadness continues. Then the guilt sets in because you can't help but think that a real friend would be calling. A good friend wouldn't just be silent for so long. And a whole new level of hurt and sadness settles in. And then paranoia.

See, my friend, she hasn't seemed to be able to call me either. And sometimes I can't help but wonder if I have done something wrong. Have I upset her? Is she mad that I haven't called? Is she not calling because she just doesn't want to talk to me anymore? I worry that I was too selfish at the end.... focusing too much on my own problems and being more of a burden than a friend.

But besides the fact that her life is just crazy and overwhelming right now, I know in my heart that the reason she is not calling has nothing to do with her being angry or mad at me. I do not think that I have done anything wrong to cause her to not want to talk to me. I think she is just feeling the same pain and emptiness that my move has created in me. Maybe the void that I feel in my life by her absence is mirrored in her life by mine. Maybe it is just too hard for her to pick up the phone for exactly the same reason it has been so hard for me. Maybe she is feeling the same guilt I feel by not actively staying in touch.

I know each of us has long time-long distance friends we are still close to from our school days. So there really is no reason to believe that we can't remain friends forever, until the end of time. I just do not want to jeopardize our friendship by foolishly allowing undealt with emotions to cause us to grow apart, all because I didn't want to face my pain.

So now, almost five months after I tearfully said goodbye..... I think I am ready to be honest with myself and allow myself to grieve these circumstances that has put 2000 miles between myself and one of the best friends I have ever had..... and want to keep, even if it means forever by long-distance and telephone conversations.

Lord God, please heal my broken heart. Thank you that You are a comforting God. Bring Your comfort to me, as well as to my dear friend I have left behind. Help us mourn the loss of the physical friendship.... of being there for each other in person, and help us transition into this new role of long-distance friendship. Help us learn to be there for each other even at a distance of 2000 miles. And Lord God, I ask that in your timing you would heal and restore my other friendship. Bring comfort to her as well.... to ease the pain of the current situation. I love you. Amen.

Reflections from a Hungry Gal

I am hungry. I fasted breakfast. I partook in a yummy lunch. But now it's been almost five hours and my stomach is beginning to yell out for food. Unfortunately, it will not be receiving any until morning as I am fasting the evening meal as well.

This week I committed myself to a weekly fast each Monday where I choose the meal to eat, and the two to miss. I am seeking God's nourishment in prayer as I pray for my friends and family and their struggles. I seek ultimately to find that God's provision is enough, even in times of fasting.

This morning I was uncertain how this fast would affect my walk, and which meal I should eat. I wanted to make sure that I had enough energy to do my now two and a half miles. I tried to walk a couple of weeks ago with an empty stomach, and I barely had enough energy to walk home from the campground, let alone walk the two miles I was then used to doing. So of course I was concerned this morning. But I drank a little orange juice, and I prayed asking God for His strength to get through my walk and my day.... because I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I was pleased to not only accomplish the six laps around my block (almost two and a half miles), but I also had plenty of energy left over to clean up my kitchen before making lunch for the family.

I read in my Bible, and did my once a week journal entry for a more in depth study into God's word. I enjoyed some time singing and playing on my guitar. And I continued my cleaning by taking down the Christmas decorations and sweeping/vacuuming the floors of the common areas of the house. Overall, it has been a good day.

But as I sit here with a growling tummy that is begging to be filled, I am realizing something quite important to my journey. I feel this physical hunger right now for food and nourishment... but what I really want to feel is a hunger for God. I want to hunger for HIS nourishment of my soul, and not just on the days that I am fasting. I want to feel a hunger so strong that I just simply cannot wait to open up His Word to see what He will show me next.

I already have found myself looking forward to my walks each morning because I venture out with headphones and an Ipod playing praise and worship music, and I am fellowshipping with my Lord as I walk those six laps around my block each morning. I sing my praises, and I lift up my thanksgiving. I cry out my fears and worries, and I try to listen for the comforting words I know He is speaking to me. I have found a treasure in my morning routine, but I am hoping through this fasting to find myself hungering for Jesus more and more.

Lord God, You are so faithful! Thank you that you are so much better than any food I could fill myself with this day. I lift up my loved ones who are struggling with eating... those who want to surrender it all to you but do not seem to know how. Give them the strength they need to get through their days and keep their eyes on you. Thank you for the physical and emotional strength you are giving me as I surrender to you, Lord. I love you! Amen.

My Confession of Pride

As 2008 draws to an end, I cannot help but reflect on this year, the successes as well as the struggles. 2008 has been a very challenging and difficult year for me, with many changes and trials.

In 2007, I lost a great deal of weight... physically, mentally and emotionally. I began to really trust the Lord and let him move in my life. I not only survived, but flourished in the absence of my husband during his deployment. In many ways, I was a very changed woman when he returned last December.

This year began both a year of trials as well as a year of learning how to wait on the Lord. We waited for orders. We waited for a new vehicle. We waited to move, and to see where we would live when we got here. Waiting has never been easy for me, so I guess I needed to learn some patience in that area.

The trials began in January when I went off my medication and began feeling things really for the first time in my life. At the same time, I had some things in my life that were very important to me come to an end. It felt in some ways as if my world was falling apart all around me. But I journeyed on.

Over the next several months, I continued to face obstacles and learn more about myself and what lay beneath... and it was a difficult time of growing. But I was enjoying the freedom that came with conquering some of my hidden pain. But as far as my weight loss journey, it had pretty much come to a screeching halt after Paul came home.

Once we left Virginia for New Mexico, I began to feel very isolated and separated from the family I had built in Virginia. I didn't feel like I belonged there anymore... like I had lost everyone that mattered to me. Even though I knew they were only a phone call away, I could not bring myself to call anyone. It was painful to be without them.... and calling felt more like the pain would get worse, not better from the short interaction. This spurred on my self imposed isolation.

I wanted to hide. I began to run.... from my problems, from my journey, and even from God. I slipped back into many of those behaviors I had worked so hard to conquer. I wanted to numb myself to the pain I did not want to deal with. I was afraid to face my pain here in my desert.... because unlike Virginia, most of my support system was gone.

I have a wonderful husband who loves me to pieces.... and he will always give me his shoulder to cry on. He will always listen to me cry and wail and talk, but he usually doesn't know what to say after. He tries the best he can to give me the support I need, but often that is done by suggesting I call a particular person who has more knowledge and experience in what I am dealing with.

It has been scary to even think of delving in deep and facing things here like I had done in Virginia, because to be blatantly honest.... I have not had to rely on God alone. He had placed people in my life to help me through things because He knew at that time I needed them there. But now I am on to a new part of my journey.... a place where I need to completely trust and surrender to God without that extra security blanket, and I was not willing to go there.

So instead I tried numbing myself again. But unfortunately, it no longer works. I am no longer living in my former world of complete denial.... so those old patterns did not really bring me any relief whatsoever. But this time when I tried to break back out of them.... my plan of attack really wasn't such a good one at all.

In the process of running from God, I have pretty much forgotten the right heart attitude that helped me last year. Last year I surrendered to God. I wanted Him to change me, change my eating, heal my deep wounds inside. And He did miraculous things in me. But somehow I was beginning to forget that it was HIM, not me.... so I started off on my journey again, only this time trying to do things my way in my own strength.

I'm sure that I don't need to tell you that it has not worked out very well. I was blinded to the fact that it was my own pride that was really driving me... not a deep desire to move closer to Christ. I didn't want to regain the weight "I" worked so hard to lose. I didn't want to regress into behaviors "I" worked so hard to alleviate from my life. I began to condemn myself for how "I" was eating, what "I" was and was not doing right. I tried to take matters, and my health, into my own hands.

I heard God ask me to give up my pop (soda), so I did all the while acknowledging that my heart attitude was not quite where it needed to be. I started to exercise everyday. I was making commitments to improve my health, all with the basic goal of finishing the weight portion of my journey. I want to lose that last 30 pounds. I want to feel good about myself again. I want to stop creeping up to the point where my clothes are tight and uncomfortable... and the yoyoing that takes place after when I continually go up and down those same 5 pounds.

I determinedly worked hard to build healthy habits that would get me back on track. But it wasn't working. I wasn't losing weight. I wasn't feeling better about myself. I was feeling discouraged, and I wanted to quit. And I kept hearing the Lord tell me exactly why I was where I was. He said to surrender, and I could not. He reminded me that the reason I could eat only when I was hungry, why I could say no to food, why I dropped 40 pounds so easily, why I could face the hard painful things I needed to heal from.... was because my heart was surrendered to Him. But it hasn't been now. And I have known it. And still I hear "surrender" and I say no.

But I think I have come to a point where I do not want to keep saying no to God. I know his way is right. I know that He is not able to work in my life and use me like He wants to right now because I have been resisting him. I have been too wrapped up in my own pride to truly give myself to Him.

I have begun to read my Thin Within books again. This is the grace oriented approach to weight loss that really focuses on such simple principles. First, God loves me just how I am. Nothing I do will change that. Second, He wants to heal me while I grow closer and closer in relationship to him. And third, it is hurt in my heart, not the food that I eat that drives my addiction. If I do not face what is inside of me, I will not conquer my eating addiction, no matter how hard I try. And I cannot heal from my pain inside until I have surrendered it to God and allow Him to do all the work.

I know these are truths, because I lived it for almost a year. I surrendered my heart to God, and through my faith in Jesus, He did miracles in me.

And now he is showing me new truths... I have realized something important about the last five weeks of my life. All of my behavior, my choices to "improve my health...aka lose weight".... have been performance based. If I exercise everyday I will burn calories and fat. If I focus on eating smaller amounts, I will lose weight. If I chose to eat one food over another maybe it will help me to lose weight. Thin Within would call this legalistic.

As a friend of mine once said, if you are doing something because you think your salvation is at stake, that makes it legalistic. But if you are making healthy choices that involve adhering to a program (rules based on performance)because you want to be healthy and lose weight all the while knowing that it has nothing to do with your salvation, then that is NOT legalism. I have to say in that sense of the definition of legalism, she is absolutely right.

So I do not necessarily agree with Thin Within that it is legalism.... but the Lord showed me this morning that everything that I have been doing.... the choices that have been performance based... they are not about legalism. They are about CONTROL. I want to be in control of the situation. I think that is why diets are so popular.... it lets you be in control.... In control of what you eat, and when you eat, and how much you eat. It is a way to keep a sense of control while following a set of rules based on your performance, your ability to do what is good and right.

And control is the exact opposite of surrender. The Lord showed me that when I am trying to control my situation, I am acting out of my pride. And this is why all of my efforts have not worked. It is not the choices I have made (to eat right or exercise) that is wrong, it is my heart attitude in the way I accomplish them that has hindered my success.

So it brings me right back to what I have been hearing for weeks now..... SURRENDER. The Lord wants me to surrender everything to Him. Because when I do, He is free to work through me.

Lord God, I confess my sins of pride to you and anyone else who hears my plea. Forgive me for where I have gone wrong, and help me back onto the right path. Thank you for your patience and your faithfulness. Thank you for not giving up on me. I want to surrender everything to you, Lord God.... but I am afraid. Please comfort me in my fear and give me your strength to move forward. And thank you for reminding me that even though my support system is 2000 miles away, they are still there for me... just as you have been with me this whole time. I love you! Amen.

Happy Anniversary, My Love!

Today is the fourteenth anniversary of the day I became Paul's bride.

Although we have had our ups and downs, our relationship has always been strong and close, and it never ceases to amaze me how God could have brought us together in such a powerful way! We have had so many cards stacked against us.... so many reasons why this relationship should have never worked.... and through it all, God has kept us together and strong, especially during all those years when really neither of us knew Him.

I love my wonderful husband, and all the ways he is perfect for me. I am grateful for him every day.

Happy Anniversary, My Love!

2009... The Year of the Bible

Our church has declared 2009 as "The Year of the Bible". They have been selling Life Journals to be used on this journey through the Bible. And this coming Saturday, Paul and I will be attending the Pastor's seminar on how to understand and interpret the Bible.

I have found on my journey that those times when I am consistently in the Word, I am really moving forward and seeing God work in my life. But when I am not, I kind of fall into a rut. I am in that rut now.

But I have hope for this new year to come. I am looking forward to moving forward again towards building a life long relationship with God and His Word.

There was a woman who stood up Sunday to share the vision the Lord had given her the night before..... she said she wasn't going to get a life journal this year since she did it last year, but then she heard it was "the year of the Bible" and she changed her mind. Then the Lord gave her a vision and showed her that everyone who takes on the commitment this year.... who delves into the process of seeking and connecting with God through His Word..... they will have mighty blessings bestowed upon them this year. God wants to move in our lives in powerful ways... and He will if we let him. This is an encouragement to me.

I look forward to sharing with you all how God continues to change me on this journey I am on. Stay tuned....

My Confession of Vanity

I am going to turn 35 in just a little over 3 1/2 months. I always imagined that this would be a difficult birthday, and I have to admit that I wonder where the time has gone. It seems like just yesterday I was approaching 30. And actually, it was my 29th birthday that was so hard to take, because that meant I was going to be 30 soon. By the time I did turn 30, I was kinda over it.

I feel comfortable in my own skin here in my 30's. And the big 3-5 isn't really affecting me all that much..... if only there didn't seem to be the ever increasing number of white wirey hairs sprouting out of my brunette head!

Each day I look in the mirror, grumble, and I admit it.... pluck out half a dozen to a dozen pure white hairs (leaving many more behind). Of course I know it does me no good.... they keep coming back. And I keep thinking about coloring my hair. But I know once I start, it is a long term commitment I am just not prepared to make.... yet.

So I started to think about this increased vanity that is creeping into my life... and my mirror. Why is it so important to me to NOT have gray hair? Is it our society's youth obsession rearing it's ugly head in my mirror each day? Or a continuing reminder that I am not in my 20's anymore? To be honest, I am happy about not being in my 20's anymore... but it does seem like the older I get, the more quickly time passes.

All my kids are now school age. My oldest will get her driver's permit in just a couple of months. This three year tour (already a third of the first year gone) will fly by... and then Nikki will almost be ready to graduate and start her adventure into the world of adulthood. I am sure that the four and seven years for the other two will quickly follow.

I feel like I'm right at the beginning of a new stage in life. I am not old yet.... but I am not that young either. Maybe becoming a mother so early has helped me grow up quicker, but in some ways I still feel way to young to be thinking about coloring my hair and taking children for driver's permits..... and plucking out gray hairs everyday.

And I find myself watching the older women at church.... the beautiful ladies in their 60's and 70's with their gray and silver hair. I guess in a way I admire them for being simply who they are, gray and all, not trying to hide their faded youth behind boxes of hair dye. I would like to be like them someday.... I am just having trouble translating that into my life right now. I keep telling myself that everyone grows older and their hair turns white.... that is how God designed me, so why should I have a problem with that? Then I reach for my tweezers.

What Is It About Those Christmas Cards?

So, I want to apologize to all my friends out there that they just may NOT receive their Christmas card by Christmas.

Every year, I think about cards. Sometimes I even buy them. But most of the time they are never sent. This year i really wanted to send cards since it is our first year away from Virginia. I bought them, though probably not early enough. And it seemed to take forever to get them ready. It didn't help that I kept putting them down and not returning for days at end.

But I did finally get them done.... and in the mail...... yesterday at 4pm. Even though they were supposed to post mark yesterday because they were in before 4:30, who knows.

So Merry Christmas Everyone! If you do not get our greetings in time, you'll have something to look forward to after Christmas!

Love to all.... we miss you!
Kim

Small Victories

I have been working hard now for about three and a half weeks to change some of my habits towards healthier goals. I gave up all sweet sugary drinks (except my one glass of mocha ice coffee a day). I have begun drinking water on a regular basis instead of replacing my pop with other high calorie options. I am walking on average 5 to 6 times each week on my goal of reaching 10,000 steps a day. (I have quickly learned that I will not be able to come even close to that goal without the daily walk.) And I am taking a harder look at how often I eat, how much, and when I am turning to food for comfort rather than hunger.

After three weeks, I would have expected some progress on my scale to encourage me onward... but alas, that has not happened. I continue to hover at right about the same number week in and week out. It may dip down, only to return to the previous level.

I am trying not to get discouraged. In fact, I am trying to focus on making healthy choices, not on weight loss. But this has been a bit challenging. For instance, I really love my pop (especially Mountain Dew), and when I work hard with no apparent results, it makes me want to say, "well if I'm not going to loose any weight, I might as well drink the pop!"

But I have ignored this voice. I know deep down that it is an unhealthy habit, and even if I never loose another single pound, I will be healthier for not picking the soda habit back up. And I know the exercise is good for me. I am only on my fourth week, but I am already seeing more energy in my day. And it is helping to prevent the "winter blues" and other depression related problems.

So instead of getting discouraged, I am choosing to look at all of my small victories of the past few weeks......

Each day I wake up, and I actually walk. I don't just think about walking. I don't promise myself that I'll walk tomorrow. I am walking.

I began with three laps around my block. This took me about 24 minutes to walk about 1.2 miles. Then I moved on to four laps around the block, increasing my numbers to 32 minutes and 1.6 miles (about 3600 steps). Today, I increased my walk to five laps, 40 minutes, 2 miles, and 4500 steps. (The walking goal for weight loss is 4000-6000 of your daily steps coming from a brisk exercise walking session..... and I have now entered this range!)

I finally was able to get my elliptical, though the power supply does not work.... so now I am waiting for another to arrive in the mail. I plan to continue my walking while I wait, as well as while I work myself up to the same ability on the machine as I have outside. Most likely I will alternate between the two, because I know my walks outside in the sunshine also help with any depression issues.

My goal is to get up to 6-7 laps around the block, but I am taking it slow. Today was my first day doing five, and I have been trying to add another lap every week or two. The weight loss session on my elliptical runs 56 minutes.... 4 minutes of warm-up, 48 minutes of low intensity exercise, and 4 minutes of cool down. I know it will take me awhile to be able to do all of that.

I feel proud of myself that I am setting realistic goals that I can succeed at. I don't want to get so anxious or gung-ho that I set myself up for failure. When I first got the pedometer, I thought I would really have to struggle to get up close to 10,000 steps a day, but with the daily walk I am averaging between 8,500 and 12,000. I think that is awesome for only three weeks in!

The harder part has been with food. I still am not eating any where near the quantities I used to, thus why I have been able to maintain my 65 pound weight loss. But I have been struggling here in New Mexico with comfort eating. And my portions have increased. So now I am trying to put less on my plate, and I have to relearn how to put my fork down when I am satisfied, even if I still have three or four bites left. Why is it so hard to say no to those last yummy bites?

I also have realized that as soon as I feel even the slightest stirring of hunger, I have given myself license to eat. But even though I am not eating large portions, I am still eating more than I need because I am not waiting until I am really hungry.

But this past week, there have been a couple of occasions where I have felt just a little bit hungry and all the voices in my head started screaming, "Yah! Let's eat!!!" but I didn't. Last night, instead of snacking before bed, I chose to not eat anything. Not a thing! Two hours later when I went to bed, I was not really any hungrier than when I decided not to eat, and I felt very good about myself for saying no to the food.

This morning I got up and ate breakfast with my wonderful husband around 8:30, after his PT but before he had to be at work for the day. Then I went on my 40 minute walk. When I returned, I was feeling a little hungry, and mentally I was really craving some sausage links. But it was only two hours after I had eaten, so I decided to wait a bit. Before I knew it, I got busy with some stuff and it was almost 1. Now I was really hungry, but if I had eaten before, I still would have eaten lunch about the same time, thus eating more food than I need.

The Bible says that we should worry about each day as it comes... don't worry about tomorrow for it will have it's own problems... just focus on today. I think that is working well for me right now with this journey as well. If I just focus on each small victory each day, then eventually they will all add up to one large victory down the road. But if I worry about tomorrow... if I fuss and fret about my weight and whether what I am doing today even matters down the road, then I am definitely not going to succeed.

And I know that the real secret to my success here will be when I am able to fully surrender this whole thing to God. I know I am not there yet, but each day I get a bit closer. I guess it is like surrendering in layers. Some levels are lifted and gone while others are still being worked on. But isn't that just the story of life?

Lord God, Thank you for all You are doing in me. Thank you for encouraging me and motivating me to make healthier choices in my life. Thank you for softening my heart towards surrender to You. Please continue to give me Your strength and motivation to continue on this journey. Give me the wisdom to see all my small victories rather than any sense of defeat that is not coming from You. Change my heart to be more like You each day. I love you! Amen.