I have been a professional number (numb-er... as in to numb myself. Just had to throw that in cause it looked like number, as in a numeral) ...for the first 34 years of my life, but I have completely abandoned that profession (so to speak) this year. Ok, I haven't completely abandoned the behavior (still walking that one out each and every day), but I have given up the title.
I am not numbing myself with drugs (antidepressants) or addictions (food, tv, etc.), so that leaves me with a choice every time I begin to feel the pain I have been running from.... because stuff comes to the surface when you are feeling everything. I can choose to move forward and ask God to show me what I'm dealing with so He can walk me through it and heal me, or I can return to my numbing ways and avoid it.
Of course I do not want to move backwards, so in that sense it is not a choice at all.... I have to choose to move forward. So I have been learning to grieve things in my past that I had no control over... things that hurt and damaged me. I have had to start facing anger that sits under the surface mocking me.... this anger I have been so afraid of for so long. I have been trying to figure out how to let go and forgive. All these things I have looked at, one at a time as they have come up.... not seeing the bigger picture.
I grew up with a controlling and critical mother. She was not a nurturing person by nature, and her dysfunctional upbringing did not prepare her to be the loving mother of three babies in three years time. I know in my heart that she did the best she knew how. And she loved us as much as she knew how. But we three kids grew up without a lot of what we needed to live emotionally stable and healthy lives.
As different events happened in my life, as hurtful situations happened and hurtful words were said... they were filed deep inside because I could not handle dealing with them. I did not recognize or process anything through the years, and now I am left with 34 years of hurts and memories.
I have tried to forgive, but as each new memory comes, I feel the pain again and again. But worse than that, I have allowed years of repressed anger to fester. This festering anger has turned into a huge amount of bitterness in my heart. And this bitterness is keeping me in a place where I cannot move forward.
I knew I was angry. I have been angry with my mother on and off for 10 years. But I had not realized how avoiding that anger has allowed it to turn into something even uglier. Years of judgment and resentment have cascaded into a bitterness so strong that it has completely hardened my heart. It is a horrible thing to admit, but right now this bitterness is so strong that it has almost completely blocked off all feelings of love and good will. I want to love my mother. I want to show her the love of Jesus through me. But right now I am so shut down that I cannot even imagine a day when that can happen.
I recently posted about my confession of judgment and how I have clung to my judgments rather than to move forward. I did not realize then how it is being completely fueled by my bitterness.
At an alter call yesterday, my pastor encouraged anyone needing to let go of "bad grief" (the kind we cling to to look back and scorn and criticize- to allow us to harbor resentments) to come lay it at the alter and ask Jesus to help let it go. Because as long as we hold onto it, we will not move forward... it will continue to hold us back.
So I knelt at the alter, and I cried out to the Lord.... "Why can I not let her go? Why can I not forgive her?". And the Lord showed me the bitterness in my heart. He showed me that until I release the bitterness to Him, my heart will remain cold and hard. I have to let it go to Him. I have to surrender my mother and my judgments to Him. I have to forgive to release my heart from this stone prison.
Today I printed out and read some notes from a conference a friend of mine had attended at her church. (She had emailed them to me Saturday evening but I had not had the opportunity to read them until today.) One of the topics was on strongholds. A stronghold is like a prison in our lives that Satan uses to keep us from God. They come about when we hand over ground to the enemy of our souls... allowing him the access he needs that binds us..... through lies, doubt, temptation, and sin. And the longer we allow access, the stronger that stronghold gets in our life. Then it listed three main areas that gives Satan ground; bitterness, greed (idolatry), and immorality.
DING, DING, DING! The bells are ringing now!
Before I became a Christian, there was definitely immorality prevailing in my life. But after coming to the Lord, He changed my heart in many areas. I repented of my past and now live my life for the Lord.
Since beginning on this journey of healing, I have come face to face with my addictions (idolatries), and again the Lord has been changing my heart. I have been learning to turn to Him, not to things of this world to satisfy my needs.
But bitterness..... here is ground that I have not turned over to God. I have wanted to, but I have not been able to let go. They call it a stronghold for a reason! And in the notes, it refers to how God gives bitter people over to tormentors to afflict our souls. These tormentors can include: fears, doubt, anxiety, uncontrolled anger, eating disorders, depression....
Hmmm? Sound familiar? These are all "symptoms" I have been battling. But they aren't really individual problems to conquer.... the root cause of all these things is a stronghold. And right now, that stronghold is bitterness.
Here are two passages I found in the Bible referring to bitterness (I added the italics and bold print for emphasis)...
Hebrews 12:14-16 (New Living Translation)
A Call to Listen to God
14 Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. 15 Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. 16 Make sure that no one is immoral or godless like Esau, who traded his birthright as the firstborn son for a single meal.Ephesians 4:30-32 (New Living Translation)
30 And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Here the Bible refers to bitterness as "poisonous". I just read an article that called bitterness "cancer of the soul". The Lord wants us to #1... PREVENT bitterness from taking root in our lives.... we do this by not harboring anger, by resolving conflicts and processing our crap as it comes up. I experienced a situation last year that was very difficult for me to go through, and a friend warned me to not allow bitterness to take root in the situation. I took that to heart, and although it took me many months to resolve my feeling in that situation, I did not allow my anger to turn to bitterness.
But what happens when the anger has been denied so long that it is already bitterness by the time you deal with it? That's were the #2 comes in... the Lord wants us to get rid of the bitterness! And of course the rage, anger, harsh words and slander... because that's what leads to the bitterness. As long as we continue to dwell on the anger and speak in harsh words, it will continue to fester that anger until bitterness is the result.
In my reading today on bitterness, it was stated that "the irony of bitterness is that it ties us emotionally to the person we are bitter toward". How true that is. I have been trying to separate myself from the dysfunction of my relationship with my mother... to process the pain and grief and move forward and heal, to figure out who I am outside of who she wants me to be (after years of trying to be who she wanted).... but instead I am completely drawn back to the pain and dysfunction... I cannot break free. I couldn't see before now that my inability and unwillingness to forgive her is what is binding me to her. The bitterness has been eating me alive, and I could not see that I have to let it go, or else I am letting it grow.
And the absolute worse thing about bitterness is that it can build a wall between you and God... it can prevent you from feeling God's love. It can drive God's grace from your heart. It is the "soul cancer" that can kill our souls just as cancer kills our physical bodies. The article talked about how God's grace and our bitterness cannot live in the same heart. Either God's grace will push out the bitterness, or our bitterness will push out God's grace.
I think I prefer God's grace!
Lord God, thank you for the painful truths you have brought into my life this week. I will rest in your courage and strength as I ask you to search my heart and show me what you want me to change... what you want me to let go of. Lord, take this bitterness from me, I give it to you. Help me walk through this process... to let go of it all and release it to you... to give forgiveness so that I may find my freedom in you! Soften my heart and fill me with your peace and comfort, Lord God. I love you. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment