Tomorrow Never Comes

Tomorrow is a fantasy world that we addicts cling to when we are aware of our problems and our need for change.... BUT... we are not really willing to give up that which holds us hostage.

Each night I think of all the changes I will make.... tomorrow.

I will start exercising..... tomorrow.

I will eat proper portions..... tomorrow.

I will give up that yummy soda I love so much but I know is a real problem.... tomorrow.

I will start my serious bible study.... tomorrow.

I will concentrate on developing a consistent and productive prayer life.... tomorrow.

I WILL PUT GOD FIRST IN MY LIFE............... TOMORROW.


But the very sad truth is, TOMORROW NEVER COMES!!! Each night I go to bed with the very best intentions, but upon waking, I simply decide that I am just not quite ready.... I need ONE MORE DAY...... so TOMORROW is the lie I listen to once again.

Here is the truth in my life. I love to eat. And although the amount of food I now consume is much, much less than say, three or four years ago.... I am still eating more than I need, and often for the wrong reasons. I love sugary sweet drinks. I simply have about zero self control. I know I shouldn't drink them, especially not several times a day. But I like them, so I do what I want to, ignoring the check in my spirit that tells me that having no self control is the real problem. Pop and iced coffee drinks are not and should not be idols in my life. I am afraid to feel.... really feel- so whenever things get hard and I subconsciously think I will have to deal with some unpleasant feelings.... I slip into numbing mode, which usually involves food, drink (though nothing alcoholic) and some sort of mindless, time passing entertainment.

And the sad thing is, because I know exactly what I am doing, instead of feeling any true relief (like I did when living completely in a world of denial).... instead I feel guilty. I feel shame. I watch the weight creep on a pound or two at a time, and I hate myself for being so weak and uncontrolled. I have to wear my husband's clothes cause mine are mostly too tight, and I condemn myself some more.

At first I seeped into denial for a little bit.... not recognizing what I was doing, but I couldn't stay there for long, not really. But living in reality doesn't really help either, unless I am willing to stand up and courageously face my issues. I have to get real with myself, and with God. I need to totally realign my thinking with God's word.... because without Him, I can do nothing.

Our family agreed to host an Alpha group, to step out into a ministry program.... but ever since this began, I have been under an immense amount of internal attack. And I have to say that I am loosing this battle horribly. I have let negativity creep into my daily thinking because I have not been taking my thoughts captive. I have been running from God, because deep down I have let fear over run me- and I am afraid of the things that He will ask me to do. I have allowed myself to creep back into a rut, to forget all the things the Lord has done for me, to forget just how far I have come these last couple of years.

The Bible tells us not to worry about tomorrow, for today has enough troubles of it's own. But I think there is more to it than simply not worrying about the future. I think it is a reminder to live completely in today, to make decisions today instead of putting them off till tomorrow. We have to take responsibility TODAY.

My flesh does not like this. It wants to remain disobedient. It wants to cling to tomorrow. But my spirit knows the truth-- tomorrow never comes.

Dear Lord, without you I am lost, though still I run away. Lord, help me stop running. Help me be still and know that YOU are God. I want to surrender it all to you, but it is SO difficult. I need Your love and Your strength. I am nothing on my own. Thank You that You died for me, You have paid the price for my sins, and You have set me free. Help me walk in this freedom! Help me take my thoughts captive and focus on what Your word says of me- not what Satan says. My focus has been on the wrong thing for two long now, and I need You to help me back onto the right path-TODAY! I love you. Amen.