A New Commitment

In 2007, I made a huge commitment to take control of my life and especially my eating. I began to focus on growing in the Lord and facing the things in me that needed healing. Along the way, my eating habits changed. Eating appropriate portions was now second nature. I didn't graze all day, and I knew when to stop and more importantly when to not start at all.... and I lost almost 45 pounds.

The first 8 months of this year, I began to yoyo a bit. I was still facing very hard things, and my eating would swing a little. I'd gain a couple of pounds when I wasn't dealing with things, then I'd come to my senses and readjust... my eating and my progress towards healing, then I'd loose those couple of pounds. But I never began moving forward towards that ultimate goal of reaching my healthy weight range. It was frustrating to come so close to it and just stop making progress.

After leaving Virginia, things have been really tough, and I've been running from reality. I haven't wanted to face the fact that I've known this whole year.... sooner or later I have to face my anger. I have to work through it and release this pain that is causing it. I have not wanted to do this. So instead I've been hiding out a bit.... in food, in television, and even in housework. It is funny to me now that I have used something positive (keeping my house clean, something I have always struggled with before when I was escaping) to escape.

And although I thank the Lord each day that I have not gained more than two or three pounds, I am recognizing that I am eating when I'm not hungry. I'm eating more than I need because it tastes good and makes me feel better. I am reaching for that chocolate, or Mountain Dew, or homemade tortilla chips for reasons other than hunger. I am not exercising at all, which is a goal I wanted to work on once arriving here. The body that once seemed so much slimmer to me (178 is tiny compared to 243 three years ago), is now becoming more uncomfortable because I know it isn't where I need to be. After 10 months at this size, I have lost much of that sense of accomplishment.

I am again struggling with getting my mindset right. I need to be eating right for my health. I need to be exercising for my health. I need to be turning to God and not food for my health..... not just because I have 20 more pounds to lose to feel better about myself.

I have been trying to numb myself again, but it isn't really working like it used to. That is good news really, because it shows how far into reality I have really come. Once you begin to leave that world of denial, once your eyes have been opened to its deceptions and destruction... it is hard to go back.

So I am at a crossroads. I am at that point where I can clearly see the two roads before me. If I continue down the path I have been walking these past 6 or so weeks, I know that the path to denial will become longer and wider. It will become so much easier to travel. And with enough time, I will reach that destination. I will become engulfed back into that world of denial to the point where I may forget reality and once again be trapped in my own self-made hell. Although I said it is hard to go back, it is not impossible with enough time running away from reality. And I know deep in my heart that I do not want to return to this world.

So instead I must choose the second path. Although very narrow and sometimes filled with tribulation, this walk down the road of reality is where I will find joy, peace, and healing through my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. This is the road that leads to fulfillment and satisfaction. This is the road that leads to contentment and self purpose. This is the road that leads to salvation and everlasting life.

I have heard it preached that as a true believer, you are never really standing still. You are either moving forward toward growth and toward God, or you are slipping backwards away from Him. So as I take this very brief moment to stand and choose my path, I realize it is not two paths in front of me, but instead one before me and one behind. I know I must turn that 180 degrees away from the road behind me...this ever growing path that leads to everything the world cannot give me. That is the slippery road down and away from God.

Instead, I am choosing to make a new commitment... a re-commitment to walking forward. I am choosing to take that small scary path that will lead me in the exact opposite direction of where I have been. I want to move closer to God, not farther away from Him. I want to go where He wants to take me.

Something else I have realized about that slippery path down... every step you take brings you a step closer to forgetting what is really important. Spend enough time slipping away from God, and you will forget what He has done in your life. You will forget how He has changed your life. You will start to wonder where God is.... why can't you find Him? Where did He go? Why isn't He helping me? You will forget that He's not there because YOU walked away from Him.

Father God, please forgive me for slipping and sliding down this road of the world. I have been hiding and running by turning to things of this world instead of turning to You. I have allowed food and television to re-enter my heart in places that they don't belong.... places that belong to You. Please give me strength and courage to turn once again away from them and towards You. You are the source of everything I need. Thank you for Your everlasting love and patience. I love you. Amen.