My Confession of Pride

As 2008 draws to an end, I cannot help but reflect on this year, the successes as well as the struggles. 2008 has been a very challenging and difficult year for me, with many changes and trials.

In 2007, I lost a great deal of weight... physically, mentally and emotionally. I began to really trust the Lord and let him move in my life. I not only survived, but flourished in the absence of my husband during his deployment. In many ways, I was a very changed woman when he returned last December.

This year began both a year of trials as well as a year of learning how to wait on the Lord. We waited for orders. We waited for a new vehicle. We waited to move, and to see where we would live when we got here. Waiting has never been easy for me, so I guess I needed to learn some patience in that area.

The trials began in January when I went off my medication and began feeling things really for the first time in my life. At the same time, I had some things in my life that were very important to me come to an end. It felt in some ways as if my world was falling apart all around me. But I journeyed on.

Over the next several months, I continued to face obstacles and learn more about myself and what lay beneath... and it was a difficult time of growing. But I was enjoying the freedom that came with conquering some of my hidden pain. But as far as my weight loss journey, it had pretty much come to a screeching halt after Paul came home.

Once we left Virginia for New Mexico, I began to feel very isolated and separated from the family I had built in Virginia. I didn't feel like I belonged there anymore... like I had lost everyone that mattered to me. Even though I knew they were only a phone call away, I could not bring myself to call anyone. It was painful to be without them.... and calling felt more like the pain would get worse, not better from the short interaction. This spurred on my self imposed isolation.

I wanted to hide. I began to run.... from my problems, from my journey, and even from God. I slipped back into many of those behaviors I had worked so hard to conquer. I wanted to numb myself to the pain I did not want to deal with. I was afraid to face my pain here in my desert.... because unlike Virginia, most of my support system was gone.

I have a wonderful husband who loves me to pieces.... and he will always give me his shoulder to cry on. He will always listen to me cry and wail and talk, but he usually doesn't know what to say after. He tries the best he can to give me the support I need, but often that is done by suggesting I call a particular person who has more knowledge and experience in what I am dealing with.

It has been scary to even think of delving in deep and facing things here like I had done in Virginia, because to be blatantly honest.... I have not had to rely on God alone. He had placed people in my life to help me through things because He knew at that time I needed them there. But now I am on to a new part of my journey.... a place where I need to completely trust and surrender to God without that extra security blanket, and I was not willing to go there.

So instead I tried numbing myself again. But unfortunately, it no longer works. I am no longer living in my former world of complete denial.... so those old patterns did not really bring me any relief whatsoever. But this time when I tried to break back out of them.... my plan of attack really wasn't such a good one at all.

In the process of running from God, I have pretty much forgotten the right heart attitude that helped me last year. Last year I surrendered to God. I wanted Him to change me, change my eating, heal my deep wounds inside. And He did miraculous things in me. But somehow I was beginning to forget that it was HIM, not me.... so I started off on my journey again, only this time trying to do things my way in my own strength.

I'm sure that I don't need to tell you that it has not worked out very well. I was blinded to the fact that it was my own pride that was really driving me... not a deep desire to move closer to Christ. I didn't want to regain the weight "I" worked so hard to lose. I didn't want to regress into behaviors "I" worked so hard to alleviate from my life. I began to condemn myself for how "I" was eating, what "I" was and was not doing right. I tried to take matters, and my health, into my own hands.

I heard God ask me to give up my pop (soda), so I did all the while acknowledging that my heart attitude was not quite where it needed to be. I started to exercise everyday. I was making commitments to improve my health, all with the basic goal of finishing the weight portion of my journey. I want to lose that last 30 pounds. I want to feel good about myself again. I want to stop creeping up to the point where my clothes are tight and uncomfortable... and the yoyoing that takes place after when I continually go up and down those same 5 pounds.

I determinedly worked hard to build healthy habits that would get me back on track. But it wasn't working. I wasn't losing weight. I wasn't feeling better about myself. I was feeling discouraged, and I wanted to quit. And I kept hearing the Lord tell me exactly why I was where I was. He said to surrender, and I could not. He reminded me that the reason I could eat only when I was hungry, why I could say no to food, why I dropped 40 pounds so easily, why I could face the hard painful things I needed to heal from.... was because my heart was surrendered to Him. But it hasn't been now. And I have known it. And still I hear "surrender" and I say no.

But I think I have come to a point where I do not want to keep saying no to God. I know his way is right. I know that He is not able to work in my life and use me like He wants to right now because I have been resisting him. I have been too wrapped up in my own pride to truly give myself to Him.

I have begun to read my Thin Within books again. This is the grace oriented approach to weight loss that really focuses on such simple principles. First, God loves me just how I am. Nothing I do will change that. Second, He wants to heal me while I grow closer and closer in relationship to him. And third, it is hurt in my heart, not the food that I eat that drives my addiction. If I do not face what is inside of me, I will not conquer my eating addiction, no matter how hard I try. And I cannot heal from my pain inside until I have surrendered it to God and allow Him to do all the work.

I know these are truths, because I lived it for almost a year. I surrendered my heart to God, and through my faith in Jesus, He did miracles in me.

And now he is showing me new truths... I have realized something important about the last five weeks of my life. All of my behavior, my choices to "improve my health...aka lose weight".... have been performance based. If I exercise everyday I will burn calories and fat. If I focus on eating smaller amounts, I will lose weight. If I chose to eat one food over another maybe it will help me to lose weight. Thin Within would call this legalistic.

As a friend of mine once said, if you are doing something because you think your salvation is at stake, that makes it legalistic. But if you are making healthy choices that involve adhering to a program (rules based on performance)because you want to be healthy and lose weight all the while knowing that it has nothing to do with your salvation, then that is NOT legalism. I have to say in that sense of the definition of legalism, she is absolutely right.

So I do not necessarily agree with Thin Within that it is legalism.... but the Lord showed me this morning that everything that I have been doing.... the choices that have been performance based... they are not about legalism. They are about CONTROL. I want to be in control of the situation. I think that is why diets are so popular.... it lets you be in control.... In control of what you eat, and when you eat, and how much you eat. It is a way to keep a sense of control while following a set of rules based on your performance, your ability to do what is good and right.

And control is the exact opposite of surrender. The Lord showed me that when I am trying to control my situation, I am acting out of my pride. And this is why all of my efforts have not worked. It is not the choices I have made (to eat right or exercise) that is wrong, it is my heart attitude in the way I accomplish them that has hindered my success.

So it brings me right back to what I have been hearing for weeks now..... SURRENDER. The Lord wants me to surrender everything to Him. Because when I do, He is free to work through me.

Lord God, I confess my sins of pride to you and anyone else who hears my plea. Forgive me for where I have gone wrong, and help me back onto the right path. Thank you for your patience and your faithfulness. Thank you for not giving up on me. I want to surrender everything to you, Lord God.... but I am afraid. Please comfort me in my fear and give me your strength to move forward. And thank you for reminding me that even though my support system is 2000 miles away, they are still there for me... just as you have been with me this whole time. I love you! Amen.