I have an unhealthy relationship.... with my bathroom scale. A day doesn't go by without my stepping on the thing several times, usually two or three times in a row. Each morning I wake up. Each time I take a shower after working out. Each evening before I go to bed.
Thin Within (a grace oriented approach to weight loss) will tell you to abandon your scale, only checking your weight occasionally. We know when weight is dropping by the feel and fit of our clothes. The author talks about how easy it is to use what number we see on the screen to affect our process of turning to God to heal us and allowing Him to bring us to our God given size. If our weight goes down, we may be tempted to "celebrate" by eating something. If it goes up, we may get frustrated and angry with ourselves, and eat something to make ourselves feel better.
Now I assert that these have not been problems for me. I have not celebrated decreasing numbers with food, nor have I eaten just because the numbers went up or stayed the same for long periods of time.
But I do admit that my scale has a pull on me so strong that I am now acknowledging that it borders on obsession. I have used it as an excuse to make sure that I am not getting off track and gaining too much. If the numbers go up, then knowing that will help me know to refocus. But if I am honest with myself, my clothes tell me without even seeing the numbers when I am heading in the wrong direction.
And now I am beginning to realize that maybe this is that one final step to complete surrender that has been holding me back. Because if I am always checking to see what my "progress" is.... than in those moments I am choosing to focus on my performance rather than my Lord's provision. I am thinking about ways "I can do better" rather than focusing on surrendering to the Lord.
My ultimate goal in this journey should be seeking God and His healing and growing in relationship with Him. Becoming my God-given size should be the joyous side effect of this.... not the destination of the journey. But each time I obsessively step on my scale, I am making my weight the destination, not God.
So this morning I got up, and while in my bathroom I ignored my scale. Let me tell you, that was not easy. I also did not weigh myself at all yesterday. I am realizing that it has been something I have "needed", and not in a healthy way but an idolatrous one. So the scale obsession must go. I know it will probably take me awhile before I don't hunger for those numbers.... staring at the scale like I used to at chocolate.... when choosing to walk away leaves you craving for the very thing you are denying yourself.
Ideally, I would like to reach my mind's idea of my weight goal.... about another 20 to 30 pounds. This places me right in the middle of my healthy weight range where I will no longer be characterized as overweight (I am only about 11 pounds away from no longer being considered overweight for my height).
However, more importantly I want to grow in my relationship with the Lord, allowing Him to heal me and make me healthy so that I can do His Kingdom's work that He calls me to do. I have tried to keep my focus on that goal.... not on how much weight I have or will lose. But it is difficult to NOT focus on weight, especially when I am worshipping my scale instead of my God.
Lord God, thank you so much for your grace and provision. Thank you for revelation You give to Your children when they are following the wrong paths. Lord, I surrender my scale to You. Forgive me for turning to my scale before You, and I now surrender it to You. Fill me with Your peace and comfort that I will never be able to find in the number I have allowed to define my identity. Let me find my identity in You instead. I love you. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment