Because I Want To, Not Cause I Have To

So there are all of these great things going on around me that I have wanted to be a part of... joining in my church's "Year of the Bible" where I committed to reading a chapter a day and journaling once a week, the "40 Day Love Dare" based on the Fireproof movie, along with working on the Thin Within/Thin Again and other healing processes. These are all things I wanted to commit to. However, I am realizing that once I commit, I shut down. I don't do it. I am behind. I am overwhelmed.

So why is this happening? I am reminded of Romans 8 when Paul refers to doing things I don't want to do and not doing the things I do want to. This is where I am at. I want to read my Bible each day, but I don't. I want to journal each week, but I don't. I want to pray with my husband each day, but I don't. I want to do family worship and devotionals, but we don't. The list goes on and on.

But today I realized that each time I decided to take one of these things on, especially if I have officially "committed to it" (our church uses commitment cards to encourage participation)... I change my "want to" into a "have to", and this is powerful ammunition for my flesh. My flesh rebels... HARD against "have to's". If I think I have to do something, I set myself up for failure time and time again. I think I cannot do it or follow through, so I don't. Then I begin to feel guilty because I committed but then don't do what I said I would. With the guilt comes condemnation, which in turn fuels the "I can't do it" thinking which feeds the feelings of being overwhelmed.

But here is the truth. I NEED to be fed by the spirit of God each day. I WANT to be fed by the spirit of God each day. I have the FREEDOM to choose to be fed or go hungry, there is NO "have to"..... no guilt, no condemnation.

Lord God, fill my heart with you this day. I want to be consumed by your spirit to the point that I want to seek you out each morning because I know I cannot truly live without you. Turn all of my "have to's" back to "want to's" and my "all or nothing" thinking into balanced thinking. Thank you for your unconditional love and grace. I love you. Amen.