Something So Obvious!

Have you ever known something about yourself for a long time, at least on the surface... yet find yourself so suddenly amazed at the truth behind it?

I have always known that I fear rejection. To be honest, I think almost everyone does on some level.

But I am talking about a fear so ingrained that it literally controls you and changes who you are and how you respond to God and the world. I did not realize how deep it is, how much of a root it is to the strongholds of my life. I didn't realize that it is this fear of rejection, stemming from my very early childhood-even before I was born, that has completely shaped my self esteem, my relationships, my attitudes, my anger and bitterness, my judgmentalness, and my social anxieties and people pleasing problems. In a nut-shell.... all of the codependent behaviors, anxieties, addictions, and depression in my life is based a great deal on my fear of rejection.

It makes sense to me now, all those years of hiding.... wanting to blend in or be invisible. I didn't talk to people unless they talked to me. I was filled with so much anxiety in social situations that I kept people at a distance, rarely letting anyone in to see the real me. I didn't even want to know for most of my life who I even was, maybe afraid that I'd even reject myself. My whole life I would say, do, or be what other people wanted so they would not reject me outright, all the while almost never receiving the love and acceptance I so disparately wanted.

It also makes sense why I spent so many years numbing myself with television and food. They were my friends. They would NEVER reject me. They brought me comfort and companionship when I thought I was unworthy to deserve that from legitimate sources. They dulled my pain so I wouldn't have to live in reality for face the fact that I had difficult things to deal with.

And then here is the truly ironic part of it all, and I know all of you fellow food abusers will understand me here..... the exact thing I was using for comfort was also driving me further into my world of rejection, a sort of self-sabotage. Heavy people are not popular or looked at by the world with respect and love. They are condemned for being fat and out of control. "We don't have will power or we must be ignorant for living in our unhealthy lifestyles." I think very few people stop to realize that someone who is obese (and I was there at 243 pounds) is a person who is really hurting deep down inside. And I think way too often they are in many ways only surviving and not really living.... at least that was where I was.

Even after I became a believer in Jesus, it still took me a very long time to start living and stop "surviving". Looking back, I can see that it took me a very long time to believe that God would not reject me. God loved me no matter what, even at 243 pounds. Of course He wants to heal me and help me move towards a healthy weight and a healthy life... but along that journey (and even if we never end up setting foot on that journey), He will ALWAYS love us. No Matter What!!!

Lord God, thank you for saving me. Thank you for opening my eyes to the roots so that I can be free from them. Thank you for all the work you have already done in me, freeing me from addictions, codependent relationships, social anxieties and depression. Lord, you have broken my heart for the heavy.... the heavy in weight and in spirit. My heart cries out for those who are stuffing their pain with food, like I once did.... and I cry out for them that you would bring them release and healing, strength to face their pain and release it to you, Lord God. I love you. Amen.