Venturing Forward

I'm in a bit of a rut these days. I'm comfortable while being not-so-comfortable... if that makes any sense. I have been hiding out a bit. I have been listening to some of the things God is calling out to me, but I haven't been ready to go there yet.

It also seems like there is a lot of chaos going on around me, and I am trying to figure out how to balance being helpful and supportive of others around me without absorbing their emotional chaos. I am one who has been blessed to sense and feel what is going on in others. . The enemy has done a great job over the years taking something God gave me as a gifting, and turning it around to be used against me. And if I am not careful, that will totally affect me and change and darken my own moods.

So I have just been hanging out... and baking a lot of cake. Getting my portfolio up to date, and making more cake. I have absorbed myself in physical matters around me while hiding a bit from the spiritual ones.

I have spent the last (almost) two years going through a "healing process".... my journey. Over a year ago, I saw a glimpse of how God wants to use this journey- and me to help others. But I have comfortably clung to my "healing status". I know that God's plan is to eventually use me to help others, but of course that is down the road. I'm not ready yet. I'm not capable. I'll just mess it up. Right?

But God is telling me that I have been playing the healing card for too long, and now it is time to move forward into more of a ministry role. Can I say........ SCARY!

And I realized this past month that part of the reason I have been hiding out is because I am afraid that God will not accept me or approve of the job I do. I have always leaned on the side of "discouraged perfectionist"-if you think you can't do it perfectly, then don't do it at all.

So stepping out and doing something that to me feels so huge, it is scary to think that I will fail and somehow only receive disapproval from God. My earthly family pretty much does not approve of my life and beliefs, and I have transferred that onto God as well. But He showed me that I do not need to worry about screwing up and not receiving His approval, because I already have His approval. Now I just have to accept it and believe in it. I need to have faith.

So I have been sitting in my little rut, slowly getting more uncomfortable while trying to gather up my nerve and take this bold step forward. I have been taking some baby steps, though. I did lead worship at my lifegroup two Sundays in a row. That was pretty big for me.

Paul and I have been reading some healing books by Neil Anderson. And I finally bit the bullet and ordered his book on Discipleship Counseling. I'm a research gal. If God is going to call me into a more active role in ministry, then I gotta know what I am getting into. I want to be prepared.

So I guess I've got some reading to do!

Lord God, thank you that you have a plan and a purpose for my life. I ask that you would fill me with your strength, wisdom, and courage. Give me a boldness to go out and follow you no matter what. Help me to focus on you and not all the obstacles around me that whisper that I can't do it. Let everything I do be for your glory, and not my own. I love you. Amen.