My Confession of Judgement

I had a very interesting conversation with a new friend today.

I walked by her house to thank her for her compassion that she had shown me during a meeting last week. I was upset but didn't want to talk about it there, and she apologized if she said anything to bring something up, and assured me with her words and actions that it was ok to not talk about it. Then she said something funny to make me laugh and put me at ease before the rest of the ladies joined us at the table where we were sitting. I felt the love and compassion in her gesture, and it touched my heart.

So I stopped by to thank her, and she invited me in for a chat. I then spent the next two and a half hours opening my heart to this new friend, this woman of God. She listened. She restated what she heard me saying. She encouraged me and opened my mind. I hadn't realized how much I was missing this sort of interaction.

As she sat there giving me hard truths to swallow.... accurate assessments of some of the things I was saying where I needed to change my thought patterns and attitudes, I looked at her with a very grumpy face. I really wasn't liking some of the things she was bold enough to tell me. I wasn't liking them because she was speaking truth that until now I wasn't wanting to hear.

I could feel the grumpy demeanor on my face and announced that I was not giving her that face because I was objecting to or not hearing or agreeing with what she was saying. I was giving the grumpy face because I was having to admit the truth behind her words.... truth that would cause me to reevaluate myself and make changes for the better. (She then told me she recognized the face for what it was... cause she, too, gets that same grumpy face).

As I listened to her tell me what she was hearing me say... (I was basically conveying the same message over and over in many different ways), I began to hear myself in ways I haven't before. I have had other friends, one in particular, who is quite good at this. I am just rambling on trying to figure out what is going on in me, but she could hear what lies beneath.... the message that comes out time and again that I was unaware of. She could connect the dots I couldn't see. But as I listened to her say "What I hear you saying is......", I was beginning to see those dots. And I have to admit that I did not like what I was seeing.

I have a judgment problem. I grew up in a very critical and judgmental home, and this way of thinking is so ingrained in me that it is second nature. But the Bible tells us to judge not lest we ourselves be judged. I try so hard not to judge people, but particularly in situations where I have been hurt or offended, this has been almost impossible for me to do. I may not necessarily act upon said judgments, or speak them.... but it is a sin in my life that I not only have little control over, but one I have not truly acknowleged, repented of, or turned over to God.

Case in point, the mother that came stomping over to my house when my son lost his temper and hit her child. I judged her harshly and want to keep my distance at all costs.... and there is no love for her whom I have set a grudge against in my heart. This is definitely NOT Jesus in me... this lack of love for what one might consider an "enemy".

I also know that I have harshly judged my family. I have not loved and accepted them for who they are. Instead I cling to our dysfunction that I so desparately want to be freed of.... and I use that judgement and the excuse of abandoning all dysfunction to stay as far away as I can. But if I am really honest with myself. This is not loving them or accepting them for who they are. And it is not showing them the love of Jesus either.

But dealing with my past is painful. The dysfunction is painful. Loving them is painful. So I have clung to my sinful judgment instead of working through my pain. And as I see it.... where judgment begins pride soon follows.

And I am now realizing that I have to take the same steps to conquer these sins as I have taken in my sin of overeating. I have to acknowledge the problem. I struggle with being prideful and judgmental of others. I have to repent. Lord, please forgive me for these sins. And I have to SURRENDER them to the Lord. Lord Jesus, please help me let go to love other people without judgment and criticism. Heal my heart, Lord God.

I walked away from my encounter this morning with wonderful encouragement.... and words of wisdom. My new friend told me today that I am way healthier than I am giving myself credit for, and I am holding on to a lot of garbage that I need to get rid of so that I can step completely out and be me. She also told me that when I can completely love myself, exactly who I am, faults and all.... that freedom will help me to love others the way Jesus desires me to.

So I guess it's time to take out the trash!

Lord God, thank you for placing someone here in my life in New Mexico that I was able to be real and honest with.... someone who was able to be real and honest with me. Please help me let go of this judgmentalness that has plagued me my whole life. I surrender it all to you Lord God. Fill my heart with your spirit and for your love towards all people. Give me guidance and direction to help me sort through my pain and emotions, and help me let go once and for all of all this junk that is bogging me down. I love you. Amen.