Depression or Moving Blues?

Did you know that Harvard researchers have found that one out of every six adults will suffer from depression at some point in their adult lives? And do you know how this culture treats depression? You guessed it, drugs.

I am one of those adults included in this statistic, and I took antidepressants for almost five years (first Zoloft for almost two years, then switching to Welbutrin after experiencing menopause type symptoms... hot flashes, night sweats, loss of libido, etc.). Even though it is recommended by professionals to seek therapy, that medication alone will not eliminate depression, how many people really do? It took me two years after being diagnosed before I sought therapy. Unfortunately, I think our culture just tells us to pop a pill and everything will be just fine.

But here's the problem.... pills don't really work. Would it surprise you in our drug obsessed culture to find out that research has shown that antidepressants don't really work except in cases of extreme depression? So if this is true, then why are MILLIONS of people taking these drugs?

I think the reason why so many people have missed the mark is because there is a spiritual element to depression that many if not most people do not even see. We allow the drugs to numb us.... yes, that is what the medication really does, it NUMBS us so that we won't feel the pain. But it does not just numb the pain, it numbs our joy, too. We often avoid seeking help or discovering the root of our problem because we are afraid of finding the pain inside. And we buy into the lies the enemy tells us.... that there is NOTHING we can do about it. We just have to wait it out, or take more drugs.

Last year, I woke up from that particular lie. I really did believe that once one of my "depressed spells" kicked in, there was nothing or no one who could change it. Often I would feel bad for a day, maybe two. My symptoms were always similar to PMS..... moodiness, irritability, feeling "blah", not wanting to do anything. But I had a friend who said she was not going to let me fall into that "hole". So the first depressed episode I had after my husband deployed, she marched right over to cheer me up. They didn't really try to say anything to cheer me up, they just sat with me. To my surprise, my mood lifted.

Over the next few months of the deployment, I learned that anytime a mood would kick in, I did not have to take it! I began to see that there was something spiritual going on. I began to skip my meds, but never more than a few in a row.... testing to see if there would be any noticable changes. To my surprise there were not. Then one day after I was battling a mood for two days, I commanded that spirits of depression leave me, in the name of Jesus, because they had no authority here. (I had seen a friend of mine do this for other people.) Immediately, I could feel this heavy weight lift off of my chest and I felt so much better. I had taken control of my depression, no longer letting it control me.

In January, I stopped taking my medication all together, a few weeks after Paul returned from his deployment. It took a couple of weeks for the medication to get out of my system, and around that same time there were several trials that came at me all at once. I began to feel a little overwhelmed, but the Lord was showing me that was both normal and ok. I began to see that I am supposed to be sad, angry, overwhelmed, or whatever other emotion hits me. The real challenge is to process and deal with the emotions instead of shoving them down. By March, I could see that I had spent five years physically and emotionally numbing myself medically, not just with food and television.

I am beginning to get in touch with my anger from life's experiences. I have been told this is good because depression is really anger turned inwards. So if I deal with my anger as it comes up, I should not have the same struggles I did in the past with depression. If I stop trying to surpress my feelings, I shouldn't get depressed. Sounds simple enough, right?

But now I am getting ready to face the hardest move I have ever had (I've been a military wife for 14 years and this is my fourth time relocating), and I find myself for the first time since January struggling with feeling depressed. I'm moody. I'm grumpy and irritable. I snap at my kids. I could be sweeter with my husband. I am apathetic and unmotivated. I don't want to attend social functions or be around these wonderful people I don't want to leave.

I've recently received advice that I should not think about goodbyes and leaving until the last minute so that I can just enjoy everyone and the time I have left. But how do I reconcile pushing back my sad feelings that is causing depression with processing my feelings to avoid depression? If depression is anger turned inwards, am I really depressed? I don't feel angry about leaving. Or am I just experiencing moving blues? The bottom line is that I feel the hurt of leaving these loved ones as the reality of leaving gets clearer and closer, and quite honestly I haven't been wanting to deal with the reality of leaving.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited about going. I know God has a plan and a purpose. I know that He has some kind of ministry for us there. He told me in January that we would not stay here, even though we didn't know until May where we were going. I have had a long time now to get used to the idea of moving. I think people have confused my sadness with not seeing God's plan and purpose. They are trying to cheer me up by reminding me of things that God has already shown me. But I do love them all for trying to make me feel better!

But maybe the answer is NOT to push it away until the last possible minute... because quite frankly, this is not working. Maybe the answer is to FEEL..... to turn to the Lord and just cry my heart out. And then I can feel better and enjoy my last month here in Virginia. I think back to Paul's deployment just a year ago. I knew that God had a wonderful plan for that time, and I was so excited to see how He would move in my life while Paul was away. I had hope and joy in His promises. But as the time began to approach for Paul to leave, I was having trouble getting over my sadness. It was overtaking me. Finally, three of my sisters in Christ prayed with me while I bawled... for at least half an hour if not an hour. I cried and cried. I felt the pain I had inside that my husband was leaving and I would be without him. But you know what? After I released all of that, I enjoyed him for every moment I had left with him. I didn't let repressed sadness ruin those precious few weeks.

Lord Jesus, as I learn daily to surrender my life to you, I ask that you help me release this sadness of being physically separated from my loved ones. Help me give it to all to you so that I can enjoy these precious weeks I have left.