Emotional Adolescence

Last fall, a friend of mine spoke to me about codependency. She talked about how it had affected her life and relationships and encouraged several of us to look it up to find out more information if we were interested. Of course she saw these tendencies in me, but she was wise enough to know I wasn't ready to hear it then, so she only spoke about it in relation to her life.

I remember going home that evening and looking it up. Of course I don't have a problem with this, I had thought to myself, but I looked it up anyway. I found lists of "symptoms and characteristics", and as I read, I recognized several applied to me. But I didn't want to see it, so I told myself again, "No, I don't have a problem with this!". And I shut it off.

In January, I went off my emotion numbing medication, and I began to feel for probably the first time in my life. As I stated previously, several trials came at me all at once, including the very abrupt ending of both my support group meetings and who was hosting my kinship. These had been my support and stability throughout the deployment, and this was the outlet my healing journey had been traveling through. Within one week, both were gone and I felt overwhelmed. But the Lord reassured me that it would all be ok if I turned to Him.

At this time I was also involved in a codependent relationship that I couldn't see was unhealthy, and this relationship was on vacation so to speak during this period of trial. But at the end of this time apart, when I was fully feeling everything around me, I realized that I had a problem with boundaries. Really, this was not a new realization for me..... I already knew I had boundary issues. I had done a "Changes That Heal" class at church, and this author had a book called "Boundaries".... that I had even bought and had on my bookshelf, only I had never read it. I didn't want to deal with it. I had this book for almost two years before I realized the necessity of actually reading it. I finished it in two days.

In the course of reading this book last February, I began to see that maybe I did have a problem with codependency, but I still wasn't really ready to deal with it. I sought out advice on good books to read and even bought and borrowed some. But I could never seem to get through any of them. They were painful to read! But I finally found one that really spoke to me. "Codependency" by Pat Springle. Reading this book was like reading my biography.... this author was writing the story of my life! I could finally start to see where many of my patterns of behavior had come from and why I was the way I was. Things started to make sense, and I whole heartedly admitted my problem.... I am a codependent.

In his book, Pat talks about how children who take care of and nurture their parents (taking on adult responsibilities as children) become trapped in a childlike emotional state. We never really learn how to emotionally become adults. But once we come out of our denial and begin to face and work through our problems, we can enter into an emotional adolescence. Well, I don't know about you, but going through adolescence as a teenager was hard enough. Doing it at 34 kinda sucks!

So here I am, feeling all these crazy emotions swinging from left to right.... trying to process it all without numbing or surpressing anything... and I can't help but think this would have been so much easier to have just done it right the first time! I am now rereading a passage in the book, and it says this:

"Adolescence is confusing, It's awkward. It often seems like we aren't making any progress. In fact, it seems like we are going backward, not forward! As changes occur, we find ourselves feeling emotions we have seldom felt, saying things we have never said before, and doing things we have always considered wrong. We don't recognize ourselves anymore! What if other people think we're weird?!?"

Well, I don't have to worry about that last part.... I know plenty of people who already think I'm weird!

But I look at my beautiful daughter (who's 14) and I realize that once again we get to go through something together. The last time was when she was a baby, and I was practically a baby myself at 20 years old, and we both got to teeth together. She got her first 4 teeth (in a three day period) at 6 months, and the next four teeth (again in only 3 days) at 8-9 months. Soon after she was teething her first molars. During this time, I had two impacted wisdom teeth that could get sore for awhile while they were trying to push their way up. Then they would calm down for a month or two before causing me more discomfort. But I remember thinking how fitting it was that we were both experiencing the same pain. It was like I was able to appreciate what she was going through because I was facing a similar thing.

Adolescence isn't easy, or fun. And even though we swear to ourselves that we will always remember what it's like so that we will relate to our kids better than we thought our parents related to us, the fact is that we do forget. We forget how difficult it is to be a teen, and we forget what they go through. But now, even though I don't have to deal with the physical changes our teen years bring, I find myself having renewed empathy for the emotional trials adolescence is bringing into the life of my teen. And I pray that she will only have to go through this ONCE!

Lord Jesus, I thank you for your patience with us as we grow emotionally and spiritually. I ask that you give me your strength to continue on this path of healing, even when it feels like I am going backwards instead of forward. And I ask that you show me how to help my daughter through this difficult season of her life so she needs to do it only once. I love you, Lord! Amen.