So What Is a Codependent Anyway?

Pick up two different books on codependency, and you may find two different answers.... but the bottom line is that someone who is codependent is a person that is dependent on someone who is dependent. Confused yet?

The term was coined a few decades ago in relation to spouses of alcoholics. Psychologists were finding that these spouses were just as addicted to the dysfunction of their alcoholic spouses as the spouse was addicted to the alcohol. Even when the addict received treatment and became healthy, the spouse was still all messed up, not knowing how to handle the change in or absense of the dysfunction. (This is what birthed Al-Anon.)

Over the years, people began to realize that these characteristics were being found in other situations, not just in families of alcoholics. Any kind of addiction or dependency can trigger it. (Alcoholics, food-aholics, workaholics, drug addicts, gambling addicts, extremely irresponsible people, and the list goes on).

But what they have found is that all codependents have certain characteristics stemming from dysfunctional relationships (either in childhood or adulthood). In Codependency, Pat Springle discusses six characteristics that prevail as a basis for all others. The first three are primary characteristics of codependency.

1.... a lack of objectivity
2.... a warped sense of responsibility
3.... being easily controlled and controlling others

The next three chacteristics are more side effects of codependency.

4.... hurt and anger
5.... guilt
6.... loneliness

You can find so many other descriptions of "symptoms and characteristics", but at the core, a codependent is someone who has no objectivity about their life, meaning they are living in a world of denial about what is really going on. They feel responsible for everyone and everything.... they are either trying to be a Savior (trying to save or rescue everyone) or feel like a Judas (feeling like they are betraying others and everything is their fault). As a result, they are often controlled and manipulated by the same people they are trying to control. Sounds kinda silly, doesn't it?

The codependent is trying to find the love and self worth they so desparately need (but are not receiving) by taking care of others. Unfortunately, they most often leach on to needy people who do not want to take care of themselves, and these "dependents" think it is the job and responsibility of the codepended to take care of them. So in this twisted process, the codependent is trying to control and rescue the dependent (to find love and self worth), and the dependent is mainpulating and controlling the codependent so they can stay in their irresponsible lifestyle.

Since the dependent is not truly capable of giving the love and self worth that the codependent is seeking, the codependent then becomes hurt and angry. They feel resentful that they are not being appreciated. But then they feel guilty for thinking that way. Afterall, if all the responsibilty is theirs (in their nonobjective thinking), then everything wrong is their fault. And because the codependent is afraid to lose what little love they are receiving, they won't leave for fear of being alone. But the reality is they are already lonely because of the dysfunction of the relationship.

This all sounds pretty messed up, right? But the really scary thing is that most people in this situation think it's normal! It is such a sad realization to see how dysfunction in families and relationships are so prevelent, that most people never see what a problem this is in our society. And unfortunately, it can be an even bigger problem in our churches.

The very characteristics of a codependent..... responsible, selfless, always giving of themselves.... these are all virtues in our churches. Of course these are admirable traits that are well needed in the work of God's kingdom, but the problem lies in the fact that we are supposed to have these qualities in love, service and gratitude to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Too often, codependents are trapped in "servitude", not because they are giving from their heart, but instead because they are trying to find self worth, love, and meaning in their lives. The Bible calls this idolotry. They are doing it for THE WRONG REASONS!!! And if they say no to something or someone in the church, they are looked down upon as selfish, greedy, uncaring, unloving, or irresponsible.... or they are afraid they will be seen that way. And they cannot handle that. The very actions that they are being praised for are the same ones that are ultimately destroying them!

But there is Good News. Jesus came to set us free from everything that binds us..... and this includes codependency. We do not have to live our lives trapped in this distructive existence. So what do we as a church do about it? How do we educate ourselves and each other, and reach out to those who are hurting? It is so easy for us to get all wrapped up in ourselves, for we do live in a "me" culture. Our culture also preaches tolerance and acceptance to the point where even Christians are afraid to confront other Christians "in love" as the Bible commands us to. So what is the answer?

I think the answer is simple. God is in control! I only wish more people could realize that. God is in control, and He is patient. He plucks us up, one at a time, and heals us. Then He sets us free to help someone else. This was the case for me. He sent someone into my life who has already "been there, done that". And He used that person to help me recognize I had a problem. She could understand what I was going through because she has been through it herself. That was the only reason I could hear her. Because God is in control, and He knew exactly who to use to pull be up into healing.

And I know that He will use me the same way. I know it is easy to think that "once I am all healed and everything is figured out, THEN He will use me..." But I am fully aware that He can use me at any time that suits Him. Are you? Do you know that God wants to use you to help someone go through something you have already faced?

It may not be easy, but the answer IS simple..... God is in control. And if we are willing to step out when He calls us, and not shrink back in fear and uncertainty, then God can change the world for His glory!

Lord Jesus, use me as You will! Give me the strength and courage to stand up and follow through on what you are asking of me, even when it scares me. Place the people in my life that you desire to help through me. Thank you for loving me so much that you want to rescue me and heal me from the dysfunction of this world. And thank you for putting those important people in my life for my benefit. You are a wonderful, amazing, Almighty God! Amen.