Painful Days

September has always been a good month in our household. We celebrate the births of the two guys I love most on this earth. Justin's birthday is early in the month, and Paul's at the very end.... but sandwiched in between are other birthdays for loved ones who are currently not a part of my life. And these days are proving to be quite painful for me this year.

Thoughts and memories of these individuals have flooded my mind lately, and with them brings much sorrow and pain. Relationships have been ended or put on hold for Godly reasons, but that doesn't stop the hurt I must process whether I want to or not. Even though I did what I had to do, there is still loss to greive. My heart aches, and I am not sure what to do with it.

I wanted to run from my pain, and while in Virginia the circumstances allowed me to do that for awhile. But I knew all along that once settled in New Mexico, it would catch up with me again. And as it turned out, God has used the timing of this month to insure I'd be found. I can't hide from it anymore. I can't put it off until some other time because that time has come.

I don't have quite the same support system I had before. I can't just pick up and run off to so and so's house for encouragement and prayer. Instead I have to lean exclusively on the two most important men in my life.... Jesus and my husband, Paul. I am sure this is part of God's timing as well.

Denial is such a harsh world to live in. And even as we come out of denial and begin to recognize the reality around us, there can still be such a numbing power over us that stops us from fully walking into that reality. I have stepped out of a dysfunctional world, choosing to walk away from it and seek healing, knowing that there would be pain to work through and process. But I was letting the power of denial work it's numbing magic on me to put off actually going through the steps of processing that pain. But sooner or later the novocaine must wear off and the effect will be felt. And then the healing can begin.

Lord, the pain is deep and it is raw. And I don't want to go through this process. But I know that You are here for me every step of the way. I thank You for Your faithfulness. You promise in Your word that You will never forsake us. Please give me the strength to take these last steps into reality, and help me receive Your healing. I love you. Amen.