Remembering the Good Things

Have you ever had to break up with someone? A boyfriend or girlfriend? A friend? Maybe even a husband or wife?

In my younger years, I was almost always the dumper in my relationships with boys. But as far as friendships went, they often either faded away or exploded. Not really one person ending it.... the friendships just ceased to exist. Fade aways just seem to happen, and sometimes it is awhile before you realize it. No drama. No chaos. No hurt feelings. Just circumstances of life, like moving away or switching schools. Living a military lifestyle, I have seen many friendships come and go for the simple reason that one of us moved, and we never stayed in touch.

But I have also had some tumultuous relationships that ended very poorly. Feelings are hurt. There is a lot of anger on either side. There is nothing attractive left about the other person. Often we are happy to see these friendships go... never to look back again.

But what happens when the person you have to break up with is someone you love?

I remember as a teen hearing of my cousin, who was five years older than me, breaking up with her boyfriend of five years because he didn't want to get married, and she thought five years was long enough to wait. She loved him, in fact her whole family loved him. But she wanted a family, and she wasn't willing to sit around and wait another five or ten years for that commitment.

Sometimes there are circumstances in life that create the necessity to end a relationship with someone you really care about. I think this can be so much harder than just ending a bad relationship.

As someone who has had problems with codependency, I was the fix it person. I was the caretaker. I wanted to do everything for everyone else. And it got to the point where I realized this was creating problems in one of my relationships. I couldn't stop trying to "help" my friend, and I had allowed her to depend on me in ways that were not healthy for either of us. The Lord asked me to surrender this friendship.

I loved my friend very much, and I didn't want to hurt her... but I knew I needed to do what the Lord was asking me to. Unfortunately, afterwards I didn't know how to be around her. I couldn't talk to her. To be honest, I couldn't even look at her. And I know this hurt her very deeply.

Now I am in New Mexico, and the extreme stress of physical interaction is no longer present. And now I am left with my memories. I am left to acknowlege the importance that this person played in my life. I am left to greive the absense of a friendship that meant a whole lot to me.

It is common for codependents to look back and romanticise the circumstances of their relationship, wanting to go back and just be a part of it again because they have forgotten the reasons why it was unhealthy. This is not what I am trying to do. I know what aspects of the friendship were unhealthy, and I recognize that we can never go back to the way it was.

But I also think to not look back and remember the good things about my friend (and our friendship) would be a disservice to both of us. And to be honest, I need closure. I need healing. And I want to remember the good things.

My friend is a beautiful woman of God.

She has a heart so big that she wants to help everyone around her. (She may not always be able to help, but she wants to.)

She has a way with people that is truly a gifting from God.

She can talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime with her sweet smile and enchanting southern drawl.

She knows how to draw someone out of their shell and really listen to them.

She always tries to look for the good in a person, and then she'll tell you what that is.

She has a love for the Lord that she is not afraid to let anyone else see.

She is deeply devoted to anyone she considers family.

She is one of the most loving people I have ever met.

She is gentle and patient (even with babies running around her).

She will always tell you how much she appreciates something you have done for her.

If there is something wrong, she wants to talk it out and fix the problem.

She has a silly sense of humor that makes everyone around her laugh.

She is constantly singing silly made up songs to make her loved ones laugh. (And leaving voice mail singing telegrams.)

She gives people endearing nicknames.

She makes awesome chicken enchilladas.

She is devoted to her husband, and passionate about her children.

She loves her friend's children as if they were her own.

She will befriend almost anyone.

She is kind and gentle in spirit.

She is a prayer warrior.

She is a survivor.

She has more strength than she knows.


I will miss my friend dearly, and I pray for the day when Jesus brings us back together again. I hope that she can forgive me for where I have fallen short and know deep inside I never meant to hurt her. I hope she will remember the good things in her memories as well.

Lord Jesus, I ask for healing and closure not only for myself, but for my friend as well. Please bring her comfort as she greives, just as I know you will comfort me. Help us both see what your plan is in our lives. Help us heal and grow in you, Lord, so that one day we may be able to meet again and begin anew, building a healthy foundation for a new friendship. Let her know how much I have loved her, and how much I love her still. I love you, Lord. Amen.