I recently found myself in a conversation where I was talking about my problems with codependency. The women I was talking to told me that I needed to stop referring to it as "my codependency", that I needed to stop claiming it because the Lord has set me free from it. But the problem here is that I do not feel free from it. I am still struggling with these thoughts and behaviors that are so deeply ingrained in my being that I continue to slip into it without even noticing.
I know they are right..... I understand the point they are trying to make to me. When we continue to talk about problems, illnesses, dysfunctions, addictions, whatever.... we can use our words to continue to take ownership of these things instead of releasing them from our lives. These are not things we should own, but things to be released to God.
I know God has set me free. Just as I know He heals, often before we see the effects of that healing. At kinship one night several months ago, we discussed how God heals us when we ask (whether in this world or the next, either way He has already healed us).... but sometimes we are still waiting for that healing to manifest itself in our lives. Instead of continually praying that the Lord would heal us, we should trust that he has already healed us and instead ask him to manifest that healing. Interesting concept.
Could that be where I am right now? Am I still walking out this process to freedom, waiting for the healing to be manifested in my life? Just because I cannot see the end result yet, doesn't mean God hasn't already freed me from it, right?
In Codependency by Pat Springle, he talks about how deeply ingrained codependent behavior can be. He gives the example of a home project he did once where he didn't want to pay $9 for a trowel (not sure when this event took place, but it was probably well before 1990 when the book was written.... so I'm guessing $9 was a lot more back then than it is now in 2008). Anyway, he did not want to pay for the trowel, so he did his home do-it-yourself cement job without it. After just a couple of hours of working with the cement, he looked down and realized that he had cement poisening (the flesh was eaten away from his fingertips). He had found himself in a dangerous situation very quickly without ever realizing the danger he was in. This is how he describes codependent thinking and behavior. We slip into it so fast and get so deep that we do not realize the danger we are in until it is too late.
Right now I have reached a point in my healing and reality to be very well aware of the codependent patterns and thinking, and on several occassions the Lord has pointed them out to me very quickly. This has helped me continue to break away from these patterns towards my healing and freedom. I was getting to the point where I thought I had a leg up on the situation, and I was doing great. But then I recently found myself in exactly the type of situation that the book was referring to.... I had slipped deep and fast without realizing it, not realizing that I was responding to the situation from an unhealthy place because I had not let go like I had thought I had (thus still reacting from a codependent viewpoint).
I have to admit that this is extremely frustrating. It felt like a setback. It felt like the exact opposite of freedom. But it also made me think again about what my friend said to me. Am I claiming a problem I shouldn't because the Lord has already freed me from it? Or is this truly a problem that I am dealing with that hasn't yet worked it's way out of my life? Or is it possible to be a little of both?
Lord Jesus, I thank you that you are a patient and loving God who does what he says he will do. I thank you for the healing and freedom you have worked in me. Lord God, I ask you to help me walk in that freedom. Help me continue towards your healing manifested in my life. Give me wisdom to see the danger signs before I am in too deep. Give me clarity to break free from codependent thoughts and bevavior patterns deeply ingrained in me. Lord, loosen them and remove them from me by the power of the blood of Jesus. I love you, Lord. Amen.
April 2005
Justin, Kim, Nikki, & Tricia
October 2011
1 comment:
Healing rarely ever takes more than an instant. Sure, God can choose to heal us instantaneously, but I've seen very few cases where He has done that. Sometimes there are things He wants us to learn or discover, or even ways He wants to use our faults to glorify Him in a way we wouldn't expect. Patrick never realized, for example, how much his disability makes such a great connecting tool and can help inspire others for God's glory. That's why, while we want him to have total healing on earth, we don't let ourselves feel disappointed when he isn't fully healed.
In your situation, it's also very difficult to be healed overnight unless God miraculously steps in and does it in an instant. I didn't recover from childhood depression overnight; it took years. The fact that God warns you when you're becoming too codependent is a very huge blessing. But here are some questions for thought. Is it possible that you're so focused on removing codependency that you're "overdoing it?" Sometimes we get a little too focused on one area or aspect in our lives that we neglect others. For example, maybe some of your feelings stem from other feelings and emotions that you are ascribing to codependency when, in fact, they aren't? And do you feel spiritually fulfilled with your relationship with the Lord in this avenue right now? If not, it might be a sign to say, "Okay, I'm going to hand over my codependency issues entirely to Him for a little while and seek what He wants me to do instead because I know He's going to heal me." Maybe there's another area or some other project He needs you to do for the time being instead (hahaha, packing and moving?). Seriously, from a Christian whose younger but has been a believer a little longer, it seriously is food for thought. When we're truly doing His Will, we feel tremendous joy automatically. Maybe God is trying to tell you to put aside codependency for a season or give it to Him so He can heal it and work on something else. Just a few thoughts. I'm so proud of you for continuing to share so many intimate thoughts and feelings online. Like you, I also tend to do my best thinking when I'm writing. Anyway, looking forward to seeing more of your posts. :)
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