I am an independent, bossy, strong-minded and stubborn woman (and recovering control freak). In my 13 1/2 years of marraige, I spent the first decade "wearing the pants in the family", so to speak. I made all the decisions. I made all the plans. I tried to do everything myself and rarely asked for help. When my best friend lived with us, we had a bad habit of making plans and forgetting to tell my husband what we had decided to do, even when it directly involved him. (Sorry, Hon!)
At the time, neither my husband nor I were leading a Godly life. I was an unbeliever, and although Paul grew up in a Christian, church attending home.... he really had never developed a real relationship with the Lord.
As a teen, his mother often had to remind him (constantly) what he needed to do, and as an adult the Navy told him what to do. So he was quite comfortable (at least on the surface) having a wife who told him what to do. It's not that I bossed him around, or that he wanted to be bossed around, but he was comfortable in not having to make any major decisions. He was content for me to take care of everything and just fill him in on what the plan was.
Before coming to the Lord, my world fell apart, and I had to admit that I was not superwoman. I had to begin to ask my husband to help me..... I needed to LET him take on some of the responsibilies. When I became a believer, this process became even more important as I realized that God had designed my husband (NOT ME) to be the head of our family. Paul, however, felt very uncomfortable in this new role. He didn't feel like a leader, and I think the thought of the responsibility scared him a little.
My focus began to change. Even though I had let go of a lot of the big things, I began to realize all the little ways that I was still trying to stay in control. I was not allowing my husband to be the head of our family the way I should. I attended a Ladies' Marriage Seminar that focused on marraige and submission, and it really opened my eyes.
In Ephesians 5, Paul addressed spirit-guided relationships between husband and wife. He says the following:
Ephesians 5:21-24 (New Living Translation)
And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
Submission...... in my previous world this was a dirty word. Both my mother and step mother are feminists. I'm sure they cringe at this word. I was always taught (mostly indirectly) that women are just as good as men, and to submit to them is degrading and demeaning. To submit means to allow someone else to control you.... like you have no choice in your life and must always be at the will of someone else.
And there are some definitions of this word that include words like "control", "give in to", "subjected to".... basically the idea of allowing someone to dominate us. Control and domination, even when agreed to, is not seen as a positive thing. But I do not believe that is what God had in mind when he developed his plan for marriage or in His choice of the word submit.
There are other definitions that I like much better..... they seem more fitting:
* To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another
* to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision
* refer to another person for decision or judgment
* yield to another's wish or opinion
In reality, we submit to people ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY..... we submit to our bosses and leadership, we submit to the police and other members of government authority, we submit to laws and regulations. We choose to follow these examples of leadership because we know these systems are set up for our own good and well being. They are sometimes necessary to live in an orderly world. We usually do not stop to consider if allowing ourselves to follow others in these circumstances would be seen as degrading or demeaning.
And if we are believers, we also submit to our Lord and Savior because we know He will take care of us and protect us. We know He will guide us in the right decisions we should make and keep us on the right path. I do not see anything demeaning about allowing someone who knows better than I do what is right for me, to lead the way to keep me safe. Sometimes it is better for us to stop, and turn to another for their input and wisdom.
God created men and women so differently it is amazing! He had a purpose in assigning certain attributes to each of the sexes. A friend of mine likes to say that he "doesn 't have a feminine side..... God removed it in the Garden" (his feminine side is his wife). God designed each of us for a seperate purpose, and although I do not always understand why He created me so differently from my husband, I recognize that His plan works. I also have learned in the last couple years that there are so many benefits to me in following God's plan of submission.
As women, it is so easy to allow our emotions to overrule our commen sense sometimes. It can be difficult to keep our emotions in check and make rational decisions. Men have an ability to compartmentalize things in a way that will often allow them to make decisions in circumstances where women cannot. Does that make men better? No, just different.
I also believe that if God wants the husband to be the head of the household, then God will give wisdom and understanding to that man that his wife may not be directly privy to. When we are willing to submit, or yield to our husbands, they are able to make God ordained decisions that may not otherwise be possible if we are trying to run the show.
I have learned that whenever we are walking down a path God has not directed us to, or we try to accomplish something in our own strength.... it often just does not work out right. Have you had this problem? It creates stress and anxiety. It creates self doubt and discouragement. When I was trying to "run the show", I was not happy. I was buried in responsibilities and burdens that were not fully mine to take on. But when I released it to God and turned to my husband's leadership in submission to him, the weight lifted off of me. I felt a level of freedom that was surprising. But isn't that the same with God? When we surrender to Him, we feel real freedom.
The other important thing I realized was the more I turned to my husband and his leadership, the happier he seemed.... not because he had a wife he could control and dominate, not because he was power hungry and wanted to be in control. No, I think he became happier because he was able to begin to find a sense of purpose in his life that was missing before. He was able to function in the role God created him for. Our relationship was so much better because I was begining to respect him in ways I hadn't realized I was lacking in before. His confidence grew, and he really began to grow in the Lord. Makes sense if you think about it. Leading a family is a huge responsibility...... and when you take on this task wholeheartedly you need the Lord to help you. When I was taking over, he did not have that same need to turn to the Lord because I was allowing him to be "comfortable and complacent".
The Message Bible has an interesting take on this passage in Ephesians 5. It says:
Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by dominating but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
I like the sound of that.... a husband who provides leadership by cherishing me! I have been blessed with a husband who does in fact cherish me. I think he always has, but I can definately recognize the difference in him since I made the choice to actively submit and follow his leadership for our family. As I have strived to understand and support him, we have reached a new level of trust and intimacy in our marriage. We complete each other more deeply than we ever did before.
So to answer my question? Submission can be a dirty word.... when it is defined by the world and used to control, dominate and oppress. Unfortunately, I have seen/heard of situations where husbands have used this verse as reasoning to control or abuse their wives. They use submission as a way of gaining power through domination in selfish (not selfless) treatment of their wives.. And I think that is part of what gives it such a bad name to the world.
But in my life and my marriage, submission is a beautiful plan created by God himself. My husband cherishes me. He wants my input and counsel in making decisions for our family. He doesn't see me as a subordinate or as inferior, but as a partner in this life we have created together. How could I NOT want to turn to him to lead our beautiful family?
Lord Jesus, I thank you that you have shown us in your word your plan for a spirit-guided relationship. I thank you every day for the wonderful man of God that you gave to me long before either of us knew you. Please help us continue to follow you in our lives and our decisions, and I praise you for the work you have done in my marriage. I love you! Amen.
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